KOBE FOR MARBURY, FRYE, AND ROBINSON

C'mon, say it with me...

NFL Draft Recap

In addition to Chris Berman, the NFL Draft coverage gave many "experts" the chance to offer their opinions and analysis. For those who may have missed some of the wall-to-wall draft coverage, and even those who didn't, here's some comments that Yelling Louder caught from the best of the best who brought you NFL Draft 2007:

Mel Kiper (at 11:45 AM): "This is incredible. I've once again predicted the first three picks of the draft. JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson, and Brady Quinn. Those are the top three on my board, and you'll see that the teams agree."

Keyshawn Johnson: "Calvin Johnson has the size of Keyshawn Johnson, the hands of Keyshawn Johnson, and the speed of Randy Moss. That's the best combination ever!"

Mel Kiper (2:30 PM): "How the Dolphins can be there, with Brady Quinn still on the board, and not take him is ridiculous. I don't know how you do that. That hurts the league. Roger Goodell should suspend Cam Cameron for half the season for this."

Steve Young: "Brady Quinn... leadership... Dan Marino.... San Francisco 49ers.... leadership... Steve Young... West Coast offense... championships."

Ron Jaworski: "The Dolphins have a statue of Dan Marino outside their stadium. You need to have a quarterback who can stand next to that statue and live up to that tradition. Ted Ginn is not that player. Brady Quinn is."

Sal Paolantonio: "I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I'm not reporting on draft day from New York Jets headquarters. What am I doing here? Is this because we now assume that the Jets will no longer do something stupid? Fine. Well, since I'm here in Tampa, I'll tell you that Jon Gruden likes Brady Quinn but just signed Phil Simms to a new contract. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow."

Mel Kiper (3:30 PM): Why is no one trading up for Brady Quinn?! He's in the top five on my board. If someone doesn't take him soon, I'm going to start calling every GM in the league!"

Dennis Green: "The Cardinals are who I thought they were. That's why they showed up to the draft. That's why they took a damn offensive lineman! You think they should've taken someone else? Bullshit!"

Michael Irvin: Hey..... hey! Put me on TV! I got somethin' to say. The Bears took someone from The U!"

Peyton Manning: "I'm glad we took a receiver. That will help me play better. I'll have one more person to throw the ball to. That's great for me. We can win another championship, mostly because I'm still playing quarterback."

Tom Jackson: "Brady Quinn is falling in the draft..... he's getting JACKED UP!"

Michael Strahan: "Aaron Ross is cool. He'll help us shut down offenses. He'll make the big play, man. Next year, we'll all be BALLIN'!"

Charlie Casserly: "If you gave me a draft with Reggie Bush, Calvin Johnson, and a defensive lineman, I'll take the lineman every time."

Mel Kiper (7:00 PM): "The Cleveland Browns are one of the smartest teams in the NFL. They traded up to take Brady Quinn. Phil Savage did the same thing in Baltimore, when he traded up for Kyle Boller, and we all know that was a smart move. Savage did it again. Great move. The Dolphins will regret this. They have NO IDEA wha the draft is about."

Chris Berman, Martyr

For the 2007 NFL draft, Chris Berman had a new outlook to go with his new bottle of chestnut hair dye. We were treated to the first draft in recent memory where we heard the picks as they were announced, instead of being told 6 seconds earlier in quip form. It's uncertain exactly why Berman toned down his act, but it seems more likely that it was orders from above, NFL or the four letter, rather than a rare instance of self restraint from Fatty McCombover.

Deep down, I think everyone is a little bit more conflicted about the whole thing than they care to admit. Sure, it's awesome to be able to watch the draft without some self-important asshole fucking things up every 15 minutes, but what good is the draft if you can't hear unfunny jokes, and clearly dated cultural references, about each potential pick? Luckily, due to Yelling Louder's unparalleled media access, we were able to acquire the list of jokes Chris Berman would have made had he been allowed. I'll break it down into two parts, first 16 right now, second 16 sometime later.

1) Oakland Raiders-JaMarcus Russell. "Well Steve, I think we might get a curve ball here. Something from the Brady Bunch? Its all JaMarsha JaMarsha, JaMarsha."

2) Detroit Lions-Calvin Johnson. "OK Mort, the commissioner is coming out to the podium. And it might be cold in Detroit but that's ok because I think the Lions might be getting a new Yellow Jacket."

3) Cleveland Browns-Joe Thomas. "I have a feeling this is going to be a very big pick. You know, big, like the size of an offensive tackle."

4) Tampa Bay Bucs-Gaines Adams. "Thanks Steve, the pick is in and its going to be a huge Gain for the Bucs down at the new Sombrero."

5) Arizona Cardinals-Levi Brown. "I don't know much about this pick, but I do know I wish Levi's jeans made leather pants."

6) Washington Redskins-LaRon Landry. "Turns out Berman was just planning on making his "profound" comment that Landry shares his name with a Cowboys coach before the pick actually happened."

7) Minnesota Vikings-Adrian Peterson. "Well guys, I think this pick is going to be "Sooner" than that pick a few years ago. Get it guys? Get it?"

8) Atlanta Falcons-Jamaal Anderson. "The Falcons are about to draft Jamaal Anderson. You would have known this if you were as important as me."

9) Miami Dolphins-Ted Ginn Jr. "Oops, the Dolphins Ted it aGinn."

10) Houston Texans-Amobi Okoye. "The Texans are a young franchise. Very young. They went to highschool at 12. I think they'll get a pick to match."

11) San Francisco 49ers-Patrick Willis. "Whatchoo Talkin Bout San Francisco?"

12) Buffalo Bills-Marshawn Lynch. (Ed note. This joke was redacted for tastelessness).

13) St. Louis Rams-Adam Carriker. "The Rams are looking for someone to carry the load on Defense, will they pick someone who can be that Carriker?"

14) New York Jets-Darrelle Revis. "Guys, I think Eric Mangini might be growing a moustache to keep this guy comfortabale."

15) Pittsburgh Steelers-Lawrence Timmons. "I'm thinking Linebacker, to replace the semi-old one they just let go." aside to self man that one was really good.

16) Green Bay Packers-Justin Harell. "The Packers, who play on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field, are getting one Harell of a pick."

I hope you appreciated that. Typing all of those out actually made me dumber and less funny.

Three Man Fantasy: Week 4

Sorry for the lack of content this week, I'm in the middle of my finals period. Good news: last finals period ever. Bad news: next two months I study for the bar. What this means for you: This will be a brief Fantasy post, but bar study is more of a marathon than a sprint, so you'll get stuff over the next two months.

I'm still only one point from perfection, stupid wins, but a lot of the gaps I described last week are getting narrower. I think Pete is cooking up some strategy where he picks up every available 5th starter. I'm curious to see where that is headed.

First Pick Update:
It is my sad duty to report that being picked first in Three Man Fantasy is not yet at Madden Curse level. Pujols has turned his season around to the tune of .247 BA; 5 HR; 14 RBI. Soriano and Carpenter are still injured though, so, as far as jinxes go, Three Man Fantasy is having a good rookie season.

Bobby Thigpen Update:
Aside from ruining the careers of Soriano and Carpenter, Three Man Fantasy is mounting an all out assault on Bobby Thigpen. Through three games, Saloman Torres was on track for 162 saves, which would obliterate Thigpen's record of 57. While Torres has slowed, and is now only on pace for 48 saves on the year. However, with 8 saves in his team's first 21 games, Francisco Cordero, of the equally NL-Central Milwaukee Brewers, is now on pace for 61 saves. We'll get you yet Thigpen.

Alma Mater Update:
Congratulations to our favorite Land Grant University. A full 25% of your starting secondary is not being charged with felonies. WE ARE...

As always, if you want more in depth info, click the Three Man Fantasy link in the sidebar to get to our league pages. See you next week.

Fun with Spring Football

This must be why Nick Saban left the NFL for Alabama.

Uhhhh...What the Hell?

And the award for the weirdest link we've ever gotten goes to...

This site about the King James Bible. Good luck Biblical scholars, Sean Salisbury is a valuable resource.

Three Man Fantasy: Week 3

Friday at Yelling Louder means one thing, and one thing only. It's time for the Three Man Fantasy update. Before we get into the serious analysis (ha), I'd like to take a moment to point out my hegemony over all things NL-Central-Only. As noted in the intro post, our league is doing a roto scoring system with 14 categories (all the normal ones plus OBP, SLG, K/9 and OBP against). As of the end of Thursday night's games, the mighty squad of Orange Lazarus, led by me of course, is in first place in 13 of those categories. The only laggard for me is Wins where I am second.

The dominance is amazing. My ERA is a full run better than Pete's second place score (3.35-4.37) and I have almost as many strike outs (108) as the other two guys combined (112). I also have a significant lead in RBI (68 to Pat's 51) and HR (19 to Pat's 12) and am sitting on an 85 point SLG cushion. Is all of this true simply because I care more than the other guys and pay far more attention to the league than anyone else? Maybe. But I prefer to think it's because of my innate skill as a leader of men, motivating the names on my roster in ways that transfer over to the real players they represent.

Not all of baseball can be chalked up to motivation though. Even Matt Foley couldn't get much out of this year's Royals. Roster construction and team management are both key aspects of any team. With that, I bring you each team's best and worst roster move of the week. We'll go in the order of the standings, which means I get to go first.

Orange Lazarus-Adam
Best move: Picking up Rich Hill. I can't believe no one in our pitching thin league picked this guy up until now. Dropping Dave Bush to create the roster space necessary for the pick up leaves my team with only 7 Milwaukee Brewers.
Worst move: Letting Aramis Ramierez start when he is injured and not playing isn't a good way to rack up points. Especially when DeRosa is still hitting like a psychopath while sitting on my bench.

Zach Duke for Cy Young-Pete
Best move: Pete wisely sat his title character for Thursday's game against the Brewers in which Duke allowed 7 earned runs through 4 innings.
Worst move: On the other hand, Pete continuing to sit Freddy Sanchez in favor of Cesar Izturis seems to be a poor long term strategy.

Blitzburgh Buccos-Pat
Best move: Pat's patience regarding Carlos Lee's and Jason Bay's early struggles is now paying off. Each is producing very well and helping Pat to close the gap in the hitting categories.
Worst move: Pat's patience regarding his possession of only four healthy pitchers has been somewhat less fruitful.

1st Round Pick Update:
Alfonso Soriano: .245 BA; 0 HR; 1 RBI; injured and likely out through the weekend.
Albert Pujols: .190 BA; 4 HR; 9 RBI; Batting Average still stinks but he's starting to come around.
Chris Carpenter: Same as last week. Still injured!

The Quest for Thigpen:
Saloman Torres has cooled down from his hot start but Thigpen isn't safe yet. Through 14 Pirate games, Torres has 5 saves. This leaves Torres on pace to get 58 saves, just enough to make his way into the record books. Torres has saved 5 out of the Pirates' 6 wins. At that pace, the Pirates would have to win 70 games to ensure Saloman gets his 58th Save. Again, this Pirate team may be the limiting factor on Saloman's quest for glory. Keep up the good work Torres.

Sorry for the somewhat sparse posting this week. I had to deal with some computer repairs. I am now a very happy Apple customer, though. Apple fixed my warrantied iBook in 6 days from first phone call to pick up. This is 347 days (and counting) faster than Dell fixed my warrantied Inspiron. Buy Apples.

Must Be Proficient in Microsoft Office

Awful Announcing dug up this apology letter from Pacman Jones, in a newspaper called the Tennesseen. AA, exhibiting all the cynicism one would expect from a pajama-wearing, Mom's-basement-living blogger, speculates that the letter may not be entirely sincere. I am shocked and disappointed. How can you question Pacman's honesty? Many drunks who get thrown out of bars or clubs say, "I'm going to get you," or, "you better watch out," and nothing comes of it. Pacman, true to his word, followed through on his threat. Or at least got one of his buddies to do it for him.

I think Pacman deserves a second chance. Therefore, I am extending an open invitation to Pacman Jones to become the fourth member of this blog. Think about it Pac, you're going to have a lot of time off, and you and I both know you get kind of antsy when you don't have anything to do. I think writing for this blog would benefit you in a lot of ways. It would give you a chance to get your side of the story out unfiltered. It would keep you connected to sports in your time off. It would improve your writing skills in anticipation of that inevitable pro se legal brief. You would still get to perform in front of an audience. I know its not the tens of thousands you're used to from football games, but the difference is negligible. The downside is that we can't really pay you anything. But hey, that'll just be like when you were playing football in college, *wink*.

It's not only you that would benefit, Pacman. Hiring you would promote Yelling Louder's own interests. Obviously, the publicity of signing you on would increase our readership, but there are other benefits. The biggest of those is the new perspective you would bring. My exploits at Madden 2007 notwithstanding, none of our current authors are professional athletes. None of us even played NCAA sports. None of us have ever carried a garbage bag full of 81,000 $1 bills. You can enlighten our readership in ways none of us can. According to The Office, we can get paid for hiring ex-convicts, so hopefully we'd see some of that scratch at some point. Finally, while we don't really fancy ourselves as a journalistic blog, having a guaranteed scoop on the next Pacman Jones incident is still very appealing.

I think you'll enjoy working for us Pacman. We're players' coaches, more Marvin Lewis than Bill Parcells, if you know what I mean. Unlike the NFL, this blog has no image problem. We will not be implementing draconian punishments for petty offenses like gun ownership in violation of probation. You're free to do pretty much whatever you want, Pacman, and still come back to your position here. We only have one rule: Don't shoot us.

Think on it Pacman. I really think this is one of those deals that helps both sides. If you, or your agent, want to get together to talk about this, just e-mail me at the "contact us" link in the sidebar. We don't make this offer to just anyone. Theismann's been fluttering in the wind for months now, but there's no chance we're letting him on board. We think you're special Pacman. Just think about it. Help us help you.