Yelling Louder

KOBE FOR MARBURY, FRYE, AND ROBINSON

2007-05-30T12:56:00.001-04:00

C'mon, say it with me...

NFL Draft Recap

2007-05-01T00:07:00.000-04:00

In addition to Chris Berman, the NFL Draft coverage gave many "experts" the chance to offer their opinions and analysis. For those who may have missed some of the wall-to-wall draft coverage, and even those who didn't, here's some comments that Yelling Louder caught from the best of the best who brought you NFL Draft 2007:

Mel Kiper (at 11:45 AM): "This is incredible. I've once again predicted the first three picks of the draft. JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson, and Brady Quinn. Those are the top three on my board, and you'll see that the teams agree."

Keyshawn Johnson: "Calvin Johnson has the size of Keyshawn Johnson, the hands of Keyshawn Johnson, and the speed of Randy Moss. That's the best combination ever!"

Mel Kiper (2:30 PM): "How the Dolphins can be there, with Brady Quinn still on the board, and not take him is ridiculous. I don't know how you do that. That hurts the league. Roger Goodell should suspend Cam Cameron for half the season for this."

Steve Young: "Brady Quinn... leadership... Dan Marino.... San Francisco 49ers.... leadership... Steve Young... West Coast offense... championships."

Ron Jaworski: "The Dolphins have a statue of Dan Marino outside their stadium. You need to have a quarterback who can stand next to that statue and live up to that tradition. Ted Ginn is not that player. Brady Quinn is."

Sal Paolantonio: "I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I'm not reporting on draft day from New York Jets headquarters. What am I doing here? Is this because we now assume that the Jets will no longer do something stupid? Fine. Well, since I'm here in Tampa, I'll tell you that Jon Gruden likes Brady Quinn but just signed Phil Simms to a new contract. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow."

Mel Kiper (3:30 PM): Why is no one trading up for Brady Quinn?! He's in the top five on my board. If someone doesn't take him soon, I'm going to start calling every GM in the league!"

Dennis Green: "The Cardinals are who I thought they were. That's why they showed up to the draft. That's why they took a damn offensive lineman! You think they should've taken someone else? Bullshit!"

Michael Irvin: Hey..... hey! Put me on TV! I got somethin' to say. The Bears took someone from The U!"

Peyton Manning: "I'm glad we took a receiver. That will help me play better. I'll have one more person to throw the ball to. That's great for me. We can win another championship, mostly because I'm still playing quarterback."

Tom Jackson: "Brady Quinn is falling in the draft..... he's getting JACKED UP!"

Michael Strahan: "Aaron Ross is cool. He'll help us shut down offenses. He'll make the big play, man. Next year, we'll all be BALLIN'!"

Charlie Casserly: "If you gave me a draft with Reggie Bush, Calvin Johnson, and a defensive lineman, I'll take the lineman every time."

Mel Kiper (7:00 PM): "The Cleveland Browns are one of the smartest teams in the NFL. They traded up to take Brady Quinn. Phil Savage did the same thing in Baltimore, when he traded up for Kyle Boller, and we all know that was a smart move. Savage did it again. Great move. The Dolphins will regret this. They have NO IDEA wha the draft is about."

Chris Berman, Martyr

2007-04-30T11:59:00.000-04:00

For the 2007 NFL draft, Chris Berman had a new outlook to go with his new bottle of chestnut hair dye. We were treated to the first draft in recent memory where we heard the picks as they were announced, instead of being told 6 seconds earlier in quip form. It's uncertain exactly why Berman toned down his act, but it seems more likely that it was orders from above, NFL or the four letter, rather than a rare instance of self restraint from Fatty McCombover.

Deep down, I think everyone is a little bit more conflicted about the whole thing than they care to admit. Sure, it's awesome to be able to watch the draft without some self-important asshole fucking things up every 15 minutes, but what good is the draft if you can't hear unfunny jokes, and clearly dated cultural references, about each potential pick? Luckily, due to Yelling Louder's unparalleled media access, we were able to acquire the list of jokes Chris Berman would have made had he been allowed. I'll break it down into two parts, first 16 right now, second 16 sometime later.

1) Oakland Raiders-JaMarcus Russell. "Well Steve, I think we might get a curve ball here. Something from the Brady Bunch? Its all JaMarsha JaMarsha, JaMarsha."

2) Detroit Lions-Calvin Johnson. "OK Mort, the commissioner is coming out to the podium. And it might be cold in Detroit but that's ok because I think the Lions might be getting a new Yellow Jacket."

3) Cleveland Browns-Joe Thomas. "I have a feeling this is going to be a very big pick. You know, big, like the size of an offensive tackle."

4) Tampa Bay Bucs-Gaines Adams. "Thanks Steve, the pick is in and its going to be a huge Gain for the Bucs down at the new Sombrero."

5) Arizona Cardinals-Levi Brown. "I don't know much about this pick, but I do know I wish Levi's jeans made leather pants."

6) Washington Redskins-LaRon Landry. "Turns out Berman was just planning on making his "profound" comment that Landry shares his name with a Cowboys coach before the pick actually happened."

7) Minnesota Vikings-Adrian Peterson. "Well guys, I think this pick is going to be "Sooner" than that pick a few years ago. Get it guys? Get it?"

8) Atlanta Falcons-Jamaal Anderson. "The Falcons are about to draft Jamaal Anderson. You would have known this if you were as important as me."

9) Miami Dolphins-Ted Ginn Jr. "Oops, the Dolphins Ted it aGinn."

10) Houston Texans-Amobi Okoye. "The Texans are a young franchise. Very young. They went to highschool at 12. I think they'll get a pick to match."

11) San Francisco 49ers-Patrick Willis. "Whatchoo Talkin Bout San Francisco?"

12) Buffalo Bills-Marshawn Lynch. (Ed note. This joke was redacted for tastelessness).

13) St. Louis Rams-Adam Carriker. "The Rams are looking for someone to carry the load on Defense, will they pick someone who can be that Carriker?"

14) New York Jets-Darrelle Revis. "Guys, I think Eric Mangini might be growing a moustache to keep this guy comfortabale."

15) Pittsburgh Steelers-Lawrence Timmons. "I'm thinking Linebacker, to replace the semi-old one they just let go." aside to self man that one was really good.

16) Green Bay Packers-Justin Harell. "The Packers, who play on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field, are getting one Harell of a pick."

I hope you appreciated that. Typing all of those out actually made me dumber and less funny.

Three Man Fantasy: Week 4

2007-04-27T14:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of content this week, I'm in the middle of my finals period. Good news: last finals period ever. Bad news: next two months I study for the bar. What this means for you: This will be a brief Fantasy post, but bar study is more of a marathon than a sprint, so you'll get stuff over the next two months.

I'm still only one point from perfection, stupid wins, but a lot of the gaps I described last week are getting narrower. I think Pete is cooking up some strategy where he picks up every available 5th starter. I'm curious to see where that is headed.

First Pick Update:
It is my sad duty to report that being picked first in Three Man Fantasy is not yet at Madden Curse level. Pujols has turned his season around to the tune of .247 BA; 5 HR; 14 RBI. Soriano and Carpenter are still injured though, so, as far as jinxes go, Three Man Fantasy is having a good rookie season.

Bobby Thigpen Update:
Aside from ruining the careers of Soriano and Carpenter, Three Man Fantasy is mounting an all out assault on Bobby Thigpen. Through three games, Saloman Torres was on track for 162 saves, which would obliterate Thigpen's record of 57. While Torres has slowed, and is now only on pace for 48 saves on the year. However, with 8 saves in his team's first 21 games, Francisco Cordero, of the equally NL-Central Milwaukee Brewers, is now on pace for 61 saves. We'll get you yet Thigpen.

Alma Mater Update:
Congratulations to our favorite Land Grant University. A full 25% of your starting secondary is not being charged with felonies. WE ARE...

As always, if you want more in depth info, click the Three Man Fantasy link in the sidebar to get to our league pages. See you next week.

Fun with Spring Football

2007-04-22T23:47:00.001-04:00

This must be why Nick Saban left the NFL for Alabama.

Uhhhh...What the Hell?

2007-04-22T02:04:00.000-04:00

And the award for the weirdest link we've ever gotten goes to...

This site about the King James Bible. Good luck Biblical scholars, Sean Salisbury is a valuable resource.

Three Man Fantasy: Week 3

2007-04-20T14:46:00.000-04:00

Friday at Yelling Louder means one thing, and one thing only. It's time for the Three Man Fantasy update. Before we get into the serious analysis (ha), I'd like to take a moment to point out my hegemony over all things NL-Central-Only. As noted in the intro post, our league is doing a roto scoring system with 14 categories (all the normal ones plus OBP, SLG, K/9 and OBP against). As of the end of Thursday night's games, the mighty squad of Orange Lazarus, led by me of course, is in first place in 13 of those categories. The only laggard for me is Wins where I am second.

The dominance is amazing. My ERA is a full run better than Pete's second place score (3.35-4.37) and I have almost as many strike outs (108) as the other two guys combined (112). I also have a significant lead in RBI (68 to Pat's 51) and HR (19 to Pat's 12) and am sitting on an 85 point SLG cushion. Is all of this true simply because I care more than the other guys and pay far more attention to the league than anyone else? Maybe. But I prefer to think it's because of my innate skill as a leader of men, motivating the names on my roster in ways that transfer over to the real players they represent.

Not all of baseball can be chalked up to motivation though. Even Matt Foley couldn't get much out of this year's Royals. Roster construction and team management are both key aspects of any team. With that, I bring you each team's best and worst roster move of the week. We'll go in the order of the standings, which means I get to go first.

Orange Lazarus-Adam
Best move: Picking up Rich Hill. I can't believe no one in our pitching thin league picked this guy up until now. Dropping Dave Bush to create the roster space necessary for the pick up leaves my team with only 7 Milwaukee Brewers.
Worst move: Letting Aramis Ramierez start when he is injured and not playing isn't a good way to rack up points. Especially when DeRosa is still hitting like a psychopath while sitting on my bench.

Zach Duke for Cy Young-Pete
Best move: Pete wisely sat his title character for Thursday's game against the Brewers in which Duke allowed 7 earned runs through 4 innings.
Worst move: On the other hand, Pete continuing to sit Freddy Sanchez in favor of Cesar Izturis seems to be a poor long term strategy.

Blitzburgh Buccos-Pat
Best move: Pat's patience regarding Carlos Lee's and Jason Bay's early struggles is now paying off. Each is producing very well and helping Pat to close the gap in the hitting categories.
Worst move: Pat's patience regarding his possession of only four healthy pitchers has been somewhat less fruitful.

1st Round Pick Update:
Alfonso Soriano: .245 BA; 0 HR; 1 RBI; injured and likely out through the weekend.
Albert Pujols: .190 BA; 4 HR; 9 RBI; Batting Average still stinks but he's starting to come around.
Chris Carpenter: Same as last week. Still injured!

The Quest for Thigpen:
Saloman Torres has cooled down from his hot start but Thigpen isn't safe yet. Through 14 Pirate games, Torres has 5 saves. This leaves Torres on pace to get 58 saves, just enough to make his way into the record books. Torres has saved 5 out of the Pirates' 6 wins. At that pace, the Pirates would have to win 70 games to ensure Saloman gets his 58th Save. Again, this Pirate team may be the limiting factor on Saloman's quest for glory. Keep up the good work Torres.

Sorry for the somewhat sparse posting this week. I had to deal with some computer repairs. I am now a very happy Apple customer, though. Apple fixed my warrantied iBook in 6 days from first phone call to pick up. This is 347 days (and counting) faster than Dell fixed my warrantied Inspiron. Buy Apples.

Must Be Proficient in Microsoft Office

2007-04-20T00:04:00.000-04:00

Awful Announcing dug up this apology letter from Pacman Jones, in a newspaper called the Tennesseen. AA, exhibiting all the cynicism one would expect from a pajama-wearing, Mom's-basement-living blogger, speculates that the letter may not be entirely sincere. I am shocked and disappointed. How can you question Pacman's honesty? Many drunks who get thrown out of bars or clubs say, "I'm going to get you," or, "you better watch out," and nothing comes of it. Pacman, true to his word, followed through on his threat. Or at least got one of his buddies to do it for him.

I think Pacman deserves a second chance. Therefore, I am extending an open invitation to Pacman Jones to become the fourth member of this blog. Think about it Pac, you're going to have a lot of time off, and you and I both know you get kind of antsy when you don't have anything to do. I think writing for this blog would benefit you in a lot of ways. It would give you a chance to get your side of the story out unfiltered. It would keep you connected to sports in your time off. It would improve your writing skills in anticipation of that inevitable pro se legal brief. You would still get to perform in front of an audience. I know its not the tens of thousands you're used to from football games, but the difference is negligible. The downside is that we can't really pay you anything. But hey, that'll just be like when you were playing football in college, *wink*.

It's not only you that would benefit, Pacman. Hiring you would promote Yelling Louder's own interests. Obviously, the publicity of signing you on would increase our readership, but there are other benefits. The biggest of those is the new perspective you would bring. My exploits at Madden 2007 notwithstanding, none of our current authors are professional athletes. None of us even played NCAA sports. None of us have ever carried a garbage bag full of 81,000 $1 bills. You can enlighten our readership in ways none of us can. According to The Office, we can get paid for hiring ex-convicts, so hopefully we'd see some of that scratch at some point. Finally, while we don't really fancy ourselves as a journalistic blog, having a guaranteed scoop on the next Pacman Jones incident is still very appealing.

I think you'll enjoy working for us Pacman. We're players' coaches, more Marvin Lewis than Bill Parcells, if you know what I mean. Unlike the NFL, this blog has no image problem. We will not be implementing draconian punishments for petty offenses like gun ownership in violation of probation. You're free to do pretty much whatever you want, Pacman, and still come back to your position here. We only have one rule: Don't shoot us.

Think on it Pacman. I really think this is one of those deals that helps both sides. If you, or your agent, want to get together to talk about this, just e-mail me at the "contact us" link in the sidebar. We don't make this offer to just anyone. Theismann's been fluttering in the wind for months now, but there's no chance we're letting him on board. We think you're special Pacman. Just think about it. Help us help you.

Virginia Tech

2007-04-19T22:03:00.001-04:00

Since this is a sports blog, here's a sports-related video that shows the spirit of V-Tech.

Now Batting, I Licky Boom Boom Down

2007-04-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

I made the 300 mile drive from my parents' house on Long Island to Penn State upwards of 20 times, I suspect, during my undergraduate career. By the time I got through the traffic of New York City, I had already passed my third favorite part of the ride. Along the Cross Bronx Expressway there was, and may still be for all I know, a giant mural advertisement for Fat Joe that took up the entire side of a building. I don't know if it was for any specific album or anything, but seeing a sixty foot Fat Joe head is the kind of thing that can change a person's life.

My two favorite parts, though, came in the vast, boring wasteland of Interstate Route 80. The pinnacle of the trip, since my sense of humor has changed little since my 11th birthday, was passing an easily misread sign announcing the exit for Scotrun, Pennsylvania. The other moment came somewhere around exit 42 in New Jersey. That was when Hot 97, New York's home for Blazin' Hip Hop and R & B, faded away into crackly static, taking with it the last bit of radio from the New York market. The rest of the trip gave me stations which claimed to be bringing me the hits of the 90's and today. But they seemed more focused on the former.

I got plenty of laughs hearing songs like Bittersweet Symphony, Save Tonight, and Closing Time in succession years after it made any sense. I felt very high-and-mighty, what with my ultra-hip suburban upbringing. I mean, come on, I was in college; I was already listening to weird emo stuff and, like, punk covers of 80's songs. Ahh, the days of Napster.

That feeling stopped today. I made a portion of that drive again today to check out a possible venue for my upcoming wedding (sorry ladies, taken). My notions of cultural superiority, even further honed by living in downtown Manhattan, were longing to hear some Super Drag, or some Fastball. I got what I wanted but it all seemed strangely familiar. As Funky Cold Medina rolled over into Ironic, I realized what had happened.

Earlier this week, I went to Yankee Stadium and witnessed the beginning of Chase Wright's career. I also was Rocked Like a Hurricane by The Scorpions. I, along with everyone else, was commanded to dance, now. Gloria Estefan also made an appearance. It's not localized to Yankee Stadium. While at Citizens Bank Park last year, I heard Dio's iconic Holy Diver four times.

I want to know who is responsible for this, who is clamoring for it. It's not me, my small amount of ironic enjoyment aside. I know it's not Murray Chass and the rest of the old guard. I think he'd rather have tobacco ads and Eisenhower campaign slogans piped in. But who's in between? My dad is older than me and younger than Murray. He doesn't want to hear Cotton Eye Joe. I don't think Peter Gammons does either.

Then I remembered. This Guy is in charge of baseball. The guy who was foiled by an exhibition game. The owner of the least successful franchise for a decade, which, as if by magic began to turn around as soon as he left. He seems so cuddly now, its almost hard to remember that he spent much of the 1990's telling anyone who would listen that baseball sucked because your favorite team has no chance to win in the playoffs. I'm not sure how he did it, but I know it's his fault. Fuck you Bud Selig. Fuck you like a hurricane.

Mock Draft

2007-04-16T14:44:00.000-04:00

As mentioned earlier, we participated in a mock draft over the weekend. The continually updating results can be found here. We had the Giants pick at number 20. Without spoiling anything, I'll say that I was pretty content with the pick, since the Giants can only fix one problem at a time. You of course are free to disagree. It was all a good time. Defintely go check it out and then come back here and harrass me for my amatuer drafting mistakes.

I'm the next Peyton Brady

2007-04-14T21:14:00.000-04:00

The NFL Draft is coming soon, and what better way to prepare for it than to get to know the key prospects on a personal level. That's just what young hotshot Graham Bensinger did, as he interviewed Brady Quinn. However, the interview was actually much longer than what was published on ESPN.com. Here's the full transcript:

Graham Bensinger: How's the NFL Draft process been for you?

Brady Quinn: It's tough because you have to prepare and figure out where to train, who to hire as an agent, and whether you should dump your girlfriend before the draft.

Bensinger: Dumping your girlfriend is a draft strategy?

Quinn: Yeah, that's what Matt Leinart did. He dumped his college girlfriend and was hooking up with Paris Hilton. That's what you need to do if you're a quarterback and want to be a top pick. Thankfully, Coach Weis got me in touch with Tom Brady, so Tom's gonna get me some connections. He's pretty good at that.

Bensinger: What else have you done to prepare for the draft?

Quinn: I've gone out to Arizona to train. I had to get in shape. I did a lot of eating and drinking during Bowl season, so had to get back to my old playing weight. Plus, it's a lot warmer in Arizona in February than in South Bend.

Bensinger: What about the Pro Days?

Quinn: Those were tough. There's all these team executives and coaches there, and you have to make good throws and hit the receivers. Thankfully, Coach Weis set it all up. He made sure I didn't make any difficult throws. And if I made a bad pass, he'd tell all the scouts that it's because the receiver sucked. Coach Weis is great. At draft time, it's all about making yourself look good.

Bensinger: What teams have you met with so far?

Quinn: Washington, Cleveland, Oakland, Tampa Bay, and Miami. These are all great teams. They're all great teams to play for. In Oakland I could play with Randy Moss. In Miami, I can be teammates with Joey Porter. These are classy guys. Team players.

Bensinger: How did those meetings go?

Quinn: The meetings went well. The toughest part is actually making it to the meetings. It's not like rolling out of bed at 7:55 for an 8:00 AM class, or showing up at 11:45 for a noon kickoff. One time, I was supposed to fly from South Bend to Chicago, but the flight got cancelled. So, I was booked on another flight, to Detroit. Man, that city is awful. I had to run to make my connecting flight. I had 10 minutes to make the flight. I was running through the airport, pushing people out of my way. If someone got in my way, I just yelled at them and told them who I was. Some people recognized me and yelled out things like "Go Irish!", "Run Like a Champion Today!", and "F--k Notre Dame! I hate you!" I think there were some Michigan and Michigan State fans in the house.

Bensinger: Detroit's a big airport....

Quinn: Damn straight. I barely made my flight. When I got on the plane, I sat down right next to Mel Kiper. He explained that the whole thing was a speed test. He arranged for the flights to be exactly 10 minutes apart, and clocked me. He explained that running through an airport is like making a 20 yard run while trying to dodge defenders. Kiper also had the airport security cameras tape the entire run, so he could send the tape to Ron Jaworski for a complete analysis. I was pissed because I knew I didn't handle the man getting pushed in the wheelchair well. I juked right, then made a move to the left, but ran into someone with a huge suitcase. I should've jumped it.

Bensinger: .......?

Quinn: Kiper told me that last year Vince Young made that move, in O'Hare. That's a tough place to play. But, my agent told me about Kiper. He told me to stay away from him. But Kiper told me that I should go by the 7th pick. I told him I thought he's full of it. I told him I'm going #1. He's like trying to keep me down, or something.

Bensinger: So how did the team interviews go?

Quinn: They were good. It was the offensive coordinator and quarterback coach for each team. We'd watch film for a couple hours, order pizza, throw back a few beers, then talk about the film we watched. Miami made me watch film of Dan Marino, then explain what he did right in reading the coverages. The Raiders made me watch film of Kerry Collins, Aaron Brooks, and Andrew Walters and tell them what they did wrong. That was like a 10 hour interview. Then they popped in film of Jeff George.... I knew right there if this guy could have a career in this league, I'm gonna be alright.

Bensinger: What about the Cleveland Browns?

Quinn: Well, I've always been a Browns fan. I grew up in Dub-town, Ohio. I dressed up as a Browns player for Halloween every year, even in college. People gave me strange looks, but then I told them I was Bernie Kosar and they thought I was awesome.

Bensinger: What was it like playing for Charlie Weis?

Quinn: Coach Weis is very blunt. He'll tell you exactly what he thinks, and he'll tell you if you screwed up. Sometimes when I make a bad pass on 3rd down, he'll tell me to go stick the ball up my ass. I know what he means by that is that I need to stay patient with the progression and look for the fourth receiver. And if he calls me an asshole, he just means that I've should've audibled to a run play.

Bensinger: Coach Weis told SIRIUS Satellite Radio that the team that gets you is going to get a combination of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. What do you think of that?

Quinn: I think he's totally right. I'm going to be the #1 pick and become the best quarterback in the NFL. Peyton Manning is good, don't get me wrong, but I'm better. All he's done is win one Super Bowl. And Tom Brady... he went to Michigan, so he'll never be that good.

Bensinger: What aspect of your game are you most proud of?

Quinn: My leadership ability. I'm a leader on and off the field. Like when I'm at parties, I'm always the one to tap the keg first and get everyone doing keg stands.

Bensinger: What's your biggest weakness?

Quinn: Receivers that suck. I always make good passes, so when my receivers don't run their routes well or drop the ball, that hurts our chances of winning. It puts me in a position to carry the team on my back and lead us to a comeback win.

Bensinger: What are you most looking forward to about Draft Day?

Quinn: I'm looking forward to being flown in a private jet to the headquarters of the team that drafts me. I step out of the plane, and everyone is there to see me. It makes me feel important. Yeah.

Three Man Fantasy-Week 2 Update

2007-04-12T20:37:00.000-04:00

Some may have wondered why we chose to use espn.com for Three Man Fantasy despite our well documented displeasure with most things involving the four letter. The reasoning was pretty simple. Since we were doing this on a blog, we really wanted to be able to link to the league page. We originally set up a league on Yahoo, my usual go to site for non-sexual fantasy purposes.* Unfortunately, Yahoo does not allow non-league members to view any of the league pages. Either that or I'm too dumb to figure out how to make them allow it. In any event, the decision was made to go over to espn.com so we could share our babies with you. Besides, its not like espn's fantasy engine was going to be so crappy and so full of bugs that they would be forced to void all of our roster changes through April 11th and then rerun all the games up to that point using our opening day rosters and hope that nothing else would go wrong right? Right? Oh well. The four letter's ineptitude will not deter us. The good news is that my status as wire-to-wire leader is not compromised.

Player of the Week:
Brad Lidge's demotion sends Pete into an emotional tailspin. Dan Wheeler tries to cheer him up by sporting a 9.00 ERA. That kind of compassion makes Dan Wheeler our Three Man Fantasy Player Of The Week.

1st Round Pick Update:
Alfonso Soriano: .200 BA; 0 HR; 0 RBI
Albert Pujols: .176 BA; 1 HR; 2 RBI
Chris Carpenter: Same as last week, because he's on the DL indefinitely!

The Quest for Thigpen:
All season long we will be charting Salomon Torres's valiant quest to set the single season save record and vanquish Bobby Thigpen's name from the record books. Currently, Torres has 4 saves through 9 games leaving him on pace for a record breaking 72 saves. Torres has recorded the save 100% Pirates' victories this season. Unfortunately, he may have to do better than that to reach Thigpen's mark of 57.

Final update that has nothing to do with fantasy baseball:
We're participating in an NFL mock draft that Awful Announcing put together. If anyone has any advice for what we should do with the Giants at 20, let us know.

*For sexual fantasy purposes, it's anything with furries.

Bitch, I'm a Cut You

2007-04-11T13:33:00.000-04:00

Written as Joey Porter:

You punk ass bitches. You keep trying to cut Joey down but you can't. You can't. Roger Goodell has spoken, and he's disrespecting me. You know me. I always rise to the challenge. If Goodell is going to come in here talking smack he's giong to get more Joey than he know what to do with.

I don't know why Goodell is trying to rile me up but he sure did. Pacman Jones got suspended the whole season? That fool can't even do his work himself. Boy running around making it rain and whatnot. When Joey makes it rain it rain blood sucka. If some stripper really wants to see what's up she should try to take $81,000 from me. I wouldn't hide behind my crew I'd shoot that ho myself.

Chris Henry? Chris Henry? Chris Henry can't do nothing. He got arrested wearing his own jersey. Did Chris Henry ever eat his neighbor's horse? I did. Yeah, I did. Everyone thought it was my dogs but it was me. Chris Henry should be more like his teammate Levi Jones. At least Levi took his beating like a man. Rest assured, I whooped his ass, but I respected him the whole time. Better than he did. Can't believe Levi disrespected Joey by splitting a pair of tens. That man needed to get his ass beat.

Obviously Goodell is challenging me. I need to be a more imposing presence. I have a plan. First, I need to change the Dolphins uniforms. No one is scared of a brother wearing teal. Second, no more cooking my food. All of Joey's meat is gonna be raw; the blood will make me stronger. Third. I'm going to start wearing cleats on my hands for extra stopping power-on and off the field.

Goodell's going to suspend people without giving Joey his due. Joey's going to give Goodell his due. Beee-yah.

A Day in the Life of Brad Lidge

2007-04-10T13:00:00.000-04:00

(Ed. Note: This post is in no way a swipe at Pete who drafted Brad Lidge for Three Man Fantasy. I swear.)

Yelling Louder Blackbox Student Theatre Presents: Lidge

Mrs Lidge is in the kitchen holding a cold cup of tea. She stares at it. The kitchen is very modern, made entirely of stainless steel and marble. Brad Lidge enters from a doorway leading off stage. Mrs. Lidge does not look up.

Brad Lidge: Quietly, to self. It's ok Brad. Everything is going to be ok. Lots of great closers give up 5 runs in two thirds of an inning. Besides, you're 31, your career is just getting started, I mean look what Barry Bonds did after he turned 31. To Mrs. Lidge. Good morning honey.

Mrs. Lidge: Brad I want to talk to you about something.

Brad: Not now, I have to get to the park and study some film. If I want to get my job back I have to work at it. Dan Wheeler may seem like just another run of the mill reliever, but Houston is only 550 miles away from Wheeler, Texas. That kind of Hernandez theory will be tough to overcome, but I know I can do it if I just work hard enough. Just like my alma mater, Notre Dame, has overcome its oppressive admissions standards to become the nations greatest college football program and lose nine consecutive bowl games like champions.

Mrs. L: Look, we need to talk now. I want to get a divorce.

Brad: What why? I thought things were going well.

Mrs. L: Well they were, at first. Back when we were dating, it was a great time. You were always on. I had my choice of guys, and I chose you. I thought you were perfect.

Brad: There were other men?

Mrs. L: No calm down. Once I decided on you that was it. Besides it was just this one short guy and this guy from the Dominican Republic who totally flaked once I let him go. I'm not sure what happened, you were still fine that first year after we got married. Not now. You're not the same anymore. It seems like you don't even know what you're doing.

Brad: Look I know things aren't going well right now, but I'm trying. I still feel the same as I did before, but the results are all different. I'm just in a slump, I'll get out of it. It's a game of inches.

Mrs. L: Brad, the inch between my vagina and my asshole is a very important inch. But this isn't just about the bedroom. I just don't have confidence in you anymore. I never know what you're going to do. Remember when you dropped the baby? I just need someone more predictable, and middle of the road, and boring.

Brad: Fine. Fuck you. We're through. I never liked you anyway.

Mrs. L: Don't be like that. We're stuck with each other for a while. That agreement I signed earlier this year, and I have no idea why I signed it, says we have to stay together until the end of the year. But I think we should just keep to ourselves and see other people.

Brad: You've already moved on haven't you? Who is he, I'll kill him!

Mrs L: Well, actually I think you two are already acquainted. Enter man from stage right. Brad this is my new boyfriend, Dan Wheeler.

Dan: Hey buddy.

Brad Lidge loudly weeps while Mrs. Lidge and Dan Wheeler have quiet passionless sex.

Exeunt.

New Faces

2007-04-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

In the wake of all the Cowherd nonsense, I spent a lot of time reading angry screeds. I spent even more time reading the blogs on which those screeds appeared. I realized that our blogroll was severely lacking. There is a lot of quality out there and, if only to remind myself to read all this stuff, I want to beef up our link list. I've added a few already but I'm not done. If you want a link, just use that contact us button over there to drop us a line.

With all that said, I'd like to give special recognition to new addition Run Up The Score! Why? Because he's a fellow Penn State sympathizer. What's that, I never mentioned that all three authors of this blog went to Penn State? My bad, better add that to our list of declared biases. So that puts us at Pro Penn State, Pro Big Ten, largely Pro Yankee, a waning East Coast Bias thanks to Three Man Fantasy, Anti Second Person, Anti Sean Salisbury, Anti Schrutebag, and Pro Gratuitous Porno Reference (Tory Lane). There's probably more, but I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Three-Man-Fantasy - Week 1 Update

2007-04-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

After collectively spending hours of valuable time researching our draft strategies for our first ever three-man NL Central only draft, the star power at the top of our respective draft boards has been relatively unimpressive. Here’s a quick snapshot at the production of our first round picks:

Alfonso Soriano - #1 Overall (Pete)
.231 avg. 0HR 0RBI 0SB

Albert Pujols - #2 Overall (Adam)
.100 avg. 0HR 0RBI 0R

Chris Carpenter - #3 Overall (Pat)
0-1 7.50 ERA 3K .346 BAA

Take the above statistics for what they’re worth, these players will come around in due time. Where the true genius of our baseball minds becomes evident is in the performance of our late round gems. Here are a few shrewd picks that could only be results of days upon days of in depth statistical analysis and observation:

Johnny Estrada (MIL) – 13th Round (Pete) – If Estrada keeps up this pace, the question will have to be answered: Is Johnny Estrada the best hitter ever produced by the College of the Sequoias? Such elite names such as Brad Mills, Steve Stroughter, and Jim Wohlford have passed through this collegiate powerhouse, so this will be no open and shut case if this question should be raised.

Mark DeRosa (CHC) – 20th Round (Adam) – The early leader in the NL Central batting average race, DeRosa is the clear NLCMVP frontrunner at this stage of the season.

Salomon Torres (PIT) – 16th Round (Pat) – slipped under everyone’s radar, and is now on pace for 162 saves (MLB Record). Currently 2nd on the Pirates in the Cy Young voting behind Zach Duke, Torres has a hell of a year ahead of him.

Now that we’ve packed some concrete information into this update, here are 5 good reasons that my team is the class of this league:

5) Zach Duke is the next dominant arm in the majors. After the completion of this season, he will be the youngest to win the NL Cy Young since Dr. K in 1984.

4) Zach Duke is destined for success. Named after a basketball powerhouse with a culture of winning, it is in his makeup. (See Keith Hernandez's Theory on Name/Success Correlation)

3) Zach Duke will have approximately 6 starts against the lowly Cardinals, who currently sit near the MLB basement with a .200 team batting average.

2) Zach Duke has the comfort of knowing that Xavier Nady, the current MLB home run leader, will be protecting him all season long. This will lead to many victories.

1) Two words – Matt Capps

The Hernandez Theory of Name/Performance Correlation

2007-04-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

While watching the Mets-Cardinals game on Wednesday night, my primary source for everything baseball – Keith Hernandez – made an earth shattering inference that could alter future performance predictions by respected analysts.

Hernandez enlightens us by sharing that the Mets’ starting pitcher shares his last name with one of our country’s northernmost states – Maine – and continues to imply that his success in the cold St. Louis air could be related to the cold weather associated to the state he was named after.

Needless to say, this blew my mind, and I call him out on this. I shot him an e-mail and demanded some concrete information to support his claim that a player’s performance can be attributed to the geographic region after which he is named. What followed was simply genius, I’d expect nothing less from my hero in life, Keith Hernandez.

Dear valued SNY viewer,

Thank you for your interest in the New York Mets, but more importantly, thanks for recognizing my valuable commentary and overall contribution to baseball and my impact on American culture as we know it. I’ve done extensive research on my theory of name/performance correlation, and I’m glad to share some of the fruits of my labor. Here are some more examples to support my claim:

Orlando Hudson – recorded his highest stolen base total last year with the under the hot Arizona sun after spending years north of the border in Canada. He also batted a career-best .287 last year.

Mark “Tex” Teixeira – has a .299 batting average at home in Texas while only managing .278 on the road over the past 3 seasons. In addition, he has averaged .318 against the Astros in interleague play.

Fernando Valenzuela – had more than 75% of his career wins in the heat of Southern California, almost as hot as equatorial Valenzuela.

Again, thanks for giving me this opportunity to show that I’m worth more to television than Just for Men commercials. (How does the ‘stache look on the air????)

Sincerely,
Keith Hernandez

Thank God for Keith Hernandez. Joe Buck can only cower in his shadow.

I am the Champions

2007-04-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

I don't want to step on Pete's toes, he should be checking in later with a more complete Fantasy League update, but I do like bragging about stupid shit. Therefore, it is my privilege to announce that I am the current grand champion of Three Man Fantasy. The fact that I was able to attain this stature despite ESPN.com refusing to acknowledge Ian Snell's masterful 11 K performance while at the same time insisting that 5.9 K/9 is less than 3.51 K/9 makes me all the more impressive. At this point, I find it appropriate to guarantee victory. I know that in doing so I risk being called a distraction by Sean Salisbury and other old white people, but that's a chance I will take.

To make it easier to bask in my glory, I have added a permanent link in the sidebar to our fantasy league. Read it and be merry.

Colin Cowherd is a Sad Little Boy

2007-04-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I speculated that Colin Cowherd had done something stupid. I was wrong. As of yesterday, Colin Cowherd was only planning on doing something stupid. In response to my question, some helpful commenter told me that Cowherd had some big announcement planned for today. I hoped that it was that he was getting fired, or quitting to pursue his musical career. I expected it to be something about strippers and how everything in life can be equated to them.

Turns out I was wrong. His announcement was something dumb about a web-cam. Also of interest, Colin Cowherd decided to shut down the website The Big Lead with a DNS attack. It's not entirely clear to me why, although Deadspin says Cowherd was mad because The Big Lead was saying stuff about him. Given his history, I'm surprised Cowherd didn't just repeat the information while claiming he came up with it.

Colin put a lot of planning into this. I noted yesterday that the wikipedia pages for Cowherd and his show were on lock down. This usually happens following a rush of fake vandalism (see anytime Colbert has his minions do something) but I'm pretty sure the wikilords will let allow a preemptive shut down of an article about a living person if that particular person requests it. I think Cowherd probably did this. If he put half this much effort into planning an entertaining radio show instead of spending 3 hours arguing strawmen everyone would be better off.

My question to Colin Cowherd, or any of his supporters, is: Why do you think this was the right thing to do? I read The Big Lead every day and I don't remember them saying anything that bad about you. But even if they did, you are a public figure. You are paid by DisneyCorp to talk about sports and, more importantly, be a personality. People are going to have opinions about you. Some of these opinions are going to be negative, especially since, at least as far as your on-air persona goes, you pride yourself on being contrary. Sorry, it's part of the job. If you can't handle that then find something else to do with your time. Or go into a hermitage on Eastern Long Island and record thousands of radio shows with explicit instructions that they are not to be played until the copyrights expire seventy years after your death.

Mr. Cowherd, have you ever said anything negative about an athlete, or coach, or group of fans, or city, or celebrity? If so, why is that acceptable while what The Big Lead did unacceptable? What if one of those athletes or coaches called in a bomb-threat to the ESPNradio studios, preventing you from recording your show? Why do you have the right to disseminate news and opinions? Why does The Big Lead not share that right?

I started off angry, but I'm ending up purely curious. I'm curious what thought process culminated in you thinking this was a good idea. I'm curious what you would say if someone deliberately jammed your radio signal coming out of Bristol because they didn't like something you said. I'm curious how someone who has been as successful as you have been in climbing through your profession could become so incensed over what I'm sure you see as a pathetic little website full of 30 year olds who live in their parents' basements. I'm curious. I'm very very curious, Cowherd.

***UPDATE***
I added a few more sites below. According to KSK, Cowherd just decided to do this for no reason, not because of some sort of animosity towards The Big Lead. I'm not sure if that bothers me more or less.

***UPDATE 2***
As of noon on Friday, The Big Lead is still down. Unless my computer is just having a caching problem or something. I added a few more sites to the list down there. The Big Picture article itself links to many other articles so you can find some more that way. This whole thing sucks. Hopefully, Pete will be by here soon to update you on the first week of Three Man Fantasy.

In addition to the Deadspin article linked in the text, Pacifist Viking has written on Cowherd's actions. I'll keep updating this post with new articles when I can find them.

Pacifist Viking
Deadspin
Kissing Suzy Kolber
Super Dee Duper
EDSBS
With Leather The Feed
Sports Hernia
The Big Picture

What Did Colin Cowherd Do This Time?

2007-04-04T13:10:00.000-04:00

I have a feeling that Colin Cowherd did something stupid. My referral log is full of people searching for him, and both his personal wikipedia page and that of his show are on lock down. My cursory google searching turns up nothing interesting and I refuse to waste two hours of my life listening to his podcast on the four letter. Someone, please fill me in so I can make fun of this dong wrangler. Any information you have can be left in the comments.

How To Get Out of a College Coaching Job

2007-04-04T12:15:00.000-04:00

Former and now current Creighton basketball coach Dana Altman pulled a fast one on the University of Arkansas by quitting after one day on the job. Apparently it took Altman actually being in the job to make him think about things he should've thought about during the decision process. The universities' booster jets took to the sky on Tuesday, as a Creighton jet came to save Altman from any further agonizing hours in the Razorback state, and Arkansas athletic director Frank Broyles flew home from Augusta, Georgia, where he was preparing to watch the Masters. Unfortunately for Broyles, he now has to keep working, instead of running out his remaining time as athletic director watching golf.

Altman's about-face brings back memories of some other college coaches who have ended their coaching tenures at a school in unique ways. In particular, I'm reminded of Rick Majerus. After a stellar career at Utah, he left, then attempted a comeback at USC. This marriage ended quickly, as Majerus departed USC, citing "fitness problems." Majerus' revelation that he wasn't in the best physical shape shocked the basketball world. Luckily, ESPN was there to provide Majerus with a source of income. Now, he provides insightful commentary during college basketball games about how players "transcend the game," all while looking uncomfortably warm in a turtleneck and sportcoat.

Dana Altman chose the Rick Majerus route of simply admitting he made the wrong decision and apologized. Another option would be to go out in style, Mike Price style. Mike Price left the University of Alabama before ever coaching a football game there. A night of drinking, strippers, sex, and lies led to Price being forced out. He had a nice, big Sports Illustrated article written about it, too. This is an effective way to make a name for oneself. Now, instead of merely being known as Ryan Leaf's college coach, Price will be remembered for something much more.

Similar to the Price Method, another option would be to take the Larry Eustachy route and have a good, fun night out to finish off a coaching tenure. While Price opted for strippers, Lovable Larry went for the college girls. I guess Larry just relates better to college students. Eustachy gave us some photographic moments that will last a lifetime, pictures of him kissing and hugging Mizzou girls. Mike Price didn't have such pictures to remind him of his night out. While it was one too many Natty Lites that led to Eustachy's undoing, I bet Mike Krzyzewski or Thad Matta couldn't get the college girls like Larry. That's something no one can take away from him.

A New Year's Resolution

2007-04-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I forgot to wish you all a happy Assyrian New Year on Sunday. I am sorry and will try to make it up to you now. I have a New Year's resolution.

I'm no grammarian, but I try to keep my sentences clean. I do my best to cut out unnecessary adverbs and think about where I'm putting commas. I try to avoid long meandering sentences and only use semicolons sparingly. Most importantly, I don't switch from third person to second person for absolutely no reason when I'm talking about things. If you're a sports announcer you do this all the time and you sound like an idiot.

I was reminded how much I hated this while watching yesterday's capstone to the boring NCAA tournament. Noted non sports fan Billy Packer did it about a hundred times and Greg Gumbel and company did it during the half time show. Maybe my problem is assuming basic thinking skills are a requirement for being on television. Maybe if Gumbel says, "Clark, what is Thad Matta telling his team to gear them up for the second half?" Kellogg will say, "How would I know? I'm not Thad Matta." So maybe Gumbel has to say "Clark, if you were Thad Matta, what would you be telling your team at halftime?" That's the only explanation. Ok, maybe Kellogg really likes Choose Your Own Adventure books, but that's it.

The majority of sports announcers do this, a lot. I can't understand why. It makes their sentences much more awkward. "The Knicks need to cut down on their turnovers," becomes "If you're Isiah Thomas you need to tell your players that they need to cut down on their turnovers." It doesn't add any credibility, as far as I can tell. It's not like they're doing the Theismannesque "Isiah Thomas told me that he wants to take better care of the ball." It just makes them sound like idiot-kings issuing orders to a group of subjects they don't recognize. "Whichever one of you is the jester must make me laugh. If you're the cook, you need to make me dinner." They're not even addressing anyone most of the time. I'm willing to accept an occasional, "You are able to see on the replay that the receiver was clearly out of bounds," with its implied viewer-at-home reference. But I don't need Joe Buck to tell me what I would tell Eli Manning if I was Tom Coughlin. Because I'm pretty sure Joe Buck has no idea.

Here's my resolution. Anyone who looks through my past posts will find instances where I slip into the second person. Sometimes it makes writing easier, and I get lazy. Wait could that be why announcers use it all the time? Nah, impossible. But from now on, unless explicitly addressing the readers, (i.e. "you can find more people ripping on Sean Salibury at these other blogs,") or mocking someone for doing it in one of our satire articles, I will no longer use the second person. That's it. Over. If you're one of my readers, you can count on it. Happy Assyrian New Year.

MLB News & Notes

2007-04-02T13:33:00.000-04:00

Today's Opening Day games have just kicked off, so I wanted to pass along some last minute news & notes (Peter Gammons-style 'Diamond Notes') that'll be helpful to keep in mind as the games play out today.

The Tribune Co. announced that it will sell the Chicago Cubs after this season. The company itself has just been sold to real estate superstar Sam Zell. Some potential buyers include:

Jerry Colangelo - the former Arizona D-backs and Phoenix Suns owner might want to get back into the sports game. No word yet on whether Colangelo will ask his son, Bryan, to leave the Toronto Raptors to help rebuild the Cubs. Some talent is already in place, such as top draft pick Jeff Samardja. For that matter, Andrea Bargnani would be an improvement for the Cubs.

Mark Cuban - The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so any time a team is up for sale, his name is linked to it. Having been rebuffed in his efforts to buy his hometown Pirates, Cuban might settle for a slightly more talented team. Watch out, George Steinbrenner, you may soon have only the second-highest payroll in baseball.

Bill Murray - Yes, that Bill Murray. Waking up every morning as the owner of the Cubs just might give Murray the feeling that it actually is Groundhog Day every day.

In other news, the Yankess and Mets may soon petition the league to use aluminum bats. This would come as a result of NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg saying he would veto a bill to ban metal bats from high school baseball in the city's school system. This might entice Roger Clemens to play for the Yankees, so the next time he faced Mike Piazza and threw a bat at him, the message would be delivered even more clearly. Also, no word yet on whether this change would help A-Rod's playoff batting average.

Happy Opening Day

2007-04-02T12:13:00.000-04:00

What is my favorite day of the year for watching sports? Some common answers are wrong for me. The Super Bowl is out. The game itself is often pretty boring, and then there's the surrounding nonsense and inevitable involvement of Chris Berman. January 1st, and its cavalcade of well sponsored College Football games, is tempting. But the BCS has taken the best games away from New Year's Day and a lot of the excitement with them. None of the all-star games or draft days really do it for me. And both of those really stretch the idea of "watching sports". Plus, there's the Chris Berman problem again.

I find myself coming down to three choices: First Sunday of football season, first weekend of the NCAA tournament, and Baseball's Opening Day. Maybe this year's tournament has left me forgetting how exciting those first few days can be, but I'm going to eliminate the NCAA for two reasons. First, it isn't really one day; it's four (or two, at least, if you are only counting the first round). Any one of those days, while interesting, just isn't enough. Secondly, there is no way to avoid hearing "dude, my bracket is totally screwed," at least one hundred times. I don't care that your 5-seed national champion got ousted in the first round by some team from America East, and I don't want to hear about it while I'm trying to buy my next pitcher of lager.

This leaves me with two very similar days. No matter what analysis I do, I know I'm going to end up picking Opening Day. Maybe it's because I just like baseball better than football, or because I have far more memories connected with it, but I'd like to think it's something more. The beginning of baseball is the beginning of summer. It's the beginning of a long leisurely journey towards a goal far in the future. Almost every day for almost seven months will have at least one baseball game for me to watch. Baseball is a lot more like the average person's life, I think, than football. There's an occasional high moment and there's a lot of stuff going on all the time that seems kind of mundane but matters a lot when all is said and done.

Happy Opening Day. If you aren't a Royals, Nationals, or Devil Rays fan you have hope today that might not be there tomorrow. Good luck.

Who's Your Favorite Player?

2007-04-02T10:25:00.000-04:00

There is a very entertaining post over at Rumors and Rants today. The fine people in charge of that site e-mailed a bunch of bloggers (including us) and asked who their favorite baseball players are. The results were very interesting. There are a lot of different players from a lot of different teams and eras. I picked Paul O'Neill. It's just a really fun read. Go check it out and take a look at some of the blogs that are represented there. I hope you watch many baseball games today and I hope that all of your teams win (except the Devil Rays).

Three Man Fantasy: The Beginning

2007-03-30T18:09:00.000-04:00

Fantasy Drafts are stressful. Fantasy Drafts where have to take Ryan Dempster with your 8th pick to avoid being stuck with Mike Stanton are surreal.

Beginning this Sunday (but only because its a Cardinals game) and continuing all through the summer, the three authors here at Yelling Louder will be engaged in the purest of all pursuits: three team NL-Central-Only fantasy baseball, otherwise known as Three Man Fantasy. We've thrown off our east coast bias and embraced the true heartland of our nation. What can we say, all that Mellencamp rubbed off on us. We'll post updates here periodically, but if that's not enough for you the front page of our league is here. Anyone can look at that, but you need an espn fantasy account (which you can get for free if you don't already have one) to poke around in our roster pages and whatnot. Remember where you are right now. One day you'll be telling your grandchildren about the first time you saw NL-Central-Only roto.

Our league is pretty standard as far as the structure goes. I'll list our drafts in a second, but here's what you need to know to fill in the gaps.

1. We're doing a 7x7 rotisserie (BA, R, HR, RBI, SB, OPB, SLG x ERA, W, K, WHIP, SV, K/9, OPB against). I know some of those categories is weird but so is needing Jacque Jones or Chris Burke to round out your outfield.

2. If you click on the link to our league page you'll actually see 4 teams. One is named dummy team. ESPN requires all leagues to have at least 4 teams. Dummy team has no players and will remain empty for the entire year. This will not affect scoring since it will just give everyone one extra point in each category.

3. NL Central ONLY! If someone gets traded out of division, you have to waive them immediately.

4. Collusion between teams is encouraged, especially if one team starts pulling away. There are no trade vetoes and no trading deadline.

5. When I kick the other guys' asses in this, I'm going to make them buy me a lot of beer at our end of season party.

Here are our rosters in draft order. Pete picked first, then me, than Pat.

Pete: Zach Duke For Cy Young
Alfonso Soriano-CHI
Roy Oswalt-HOU
Carlos Zambrano-CHI
Prince Fielder-MIL
Brad Lidge-HOU
Jacque Jones-CHI
Chris Duncan-STL
Freddy Sanchez-PIT
Zach Duke-PIT
Brandon Phillips-CIN
Ryan Freel-CIN
Morgan Ensberg-HOU
Johnny Estrada-MIL
Adam Wainwright-STL
Dustin Hermanson-CIN
Chad Qualls-HOU
Adam LaRoche-PIT
Jason Marquis-CHI
Jeff Suppan-MIL
Juan Encarnacion-STL
Matt Capps-PIT
--How early did Chad Qualls go in your draft? What about Matt Capps?

YL_Adam: Orange Lazarus
Albert Pujols-STL
Aramis Ramierez-CHC
Ben Sheets-MIL
Adam Dunn-CIN
Bill Hall-MIL
Aaron Harang-CIN
Francisco Cordero-MIL
Ryan Dempster-CHI
Derrek Lee-CHI
Michael Barrett-CHI
Rickey Weeks-MIL
Matt Murton-CHI
Chris Capuano-MIL
Ted Lilly-CHI
Chris Burke-HOU
Chris Duffy-PIT
Dave Bush-MIL
Adam Everett-HOU
Geoff jenkins-MIL
Mark DeRosa-CHI
Anthony reyes-STL
--That's a lot of Brewers

Pat: Blitzburgh Buccos
Chris Carpenter, STL
Lance Berkman, HOU
Carlos Lee-HOU
Jason Bay-PIT
Scott Rolen-STL
Isringhausen-STL
David Eckstein-STL
Roger Clemens
Jim Edmonds-STL
Yadier molina-STL
Craig Biggio-HOU
Woody Williams-HOU
Jack Wilson-PIT
Bronson Arroyon-CIN
Ken Griffey Jr.-CIN
Saloman Torres-PIT
Cliff Floyd-CHI
Edwin Encarnacion-CIN
Brad Eldred-PIT
Mark Mulder-STL
Jeff Samardzija(we were getting tired)
--You might notice a funny name up near the top. Roger Clemens belongs to Pat if he returns to the Houston Astros. A bold and inspired gamble

The updates we post won't come any more often than once a week or so. Unless some giant trade (real life or fantasy) or something else weird happens. I'll probably put up a permanent side-bar link to the league page at some point once the season starts going and we have some results. Then you can check it as often as you like. Enjoy the weekend.

Don't Worry, Some of Bill Simmons's Best Friends Are Black

2007-03-30T16:30:00.000-04:00

I was hanging out with my buddy L-Dog talking about how I totally pretended to like soccer 6 months ago when I stumbled across this blog post at Signal To Noise. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!

That's right, I'm going to talk about Simmons again. I know mere days ago I had said I ignore espn.com. Still true. This Simmons article is about OJ Mayo (a black guy) and Kevin Love (a white guy). It's also about listing every lame racial cliche you can think of in the smallest possible space. Simmons gets all the classic ones. He compares white guys to white guys (Love is like Bill Walton) and black guys to black guys (Mayo is like Marbury, Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Gilbert Arenas and specifically mentioned as not being like Steve Nash). He actually uses the phrase "Mayo's style of play appeals to a certain demographic." Plus, that demographic is a bunch of basketball hating idiots because, "there's a natural inclination to embrace Love's game and disparage Mayo's game -- you know, assuming you give a crap about basketball and care about where it's headed as a sport".

Simmons goes on to armchair psychoanalyze players like Mayo (read "black"). It's his typical brand of logorrhea. He does kind of realize what's happening and tries to make a bunch of hedges about how race has nothing to do with it. Then he says, "to be fair, some guys [Ed note: i.e. guys like Mayo *wink, wink*] break out of that mind-set [Ed note: you know that dangerous Marbury/Kobe/Not Steve Nash mindset] or never get corrupted in the first place. At the same time, it's definitely a mind-set. And it's depressing."

I'm done with this. If you want a more coherent check out Signal To Noise, or what I'm sure will be 90 other blog articles about this in the next couple of days. Stay tuned to Yelling Louder if you want to read about a 3 person NL Central only fantasy league entitled "Three Man Fantasy". Double entendres are way cooler than puns.

Summer Project Revealed.

2007-03-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I alluded to a special Project that would be gracing these pages all summer long. Today that Project became a reality. You see, we here at Yelling Louder are nothing if not hungry. Hungry for knowledge. We're all big baseball fans, but we also all live in or around New York City. This, according to the rest of the country, means we are veiled in an East Coast Bias so thick we don't realize teams other than the Mets and Yankees (and occasionally Red Sox) exist. I disagree. We know these other teams exist, we just don't really know anything about them. This needs to change. And it needs to change by the most absurd means possible.

This brings us to the Summer Project. Your authors just finished drafting what we believe is the world's first Three-Man-NL-Central-Only fantasy baseball league. There will be many more details to follow tomorrow, including our complete rosters, but for now some highlights of the draft which will prove just how terrible these teams may end up being.

1. Pitching is so thin that one team drafted Roger Clemens on the off-chance that he signs with the Astros.

2. Jacque Jones was drafted before Derrek Lee, and it kind of made sense.

3. I drafted seven Milwaukee Brewers.

By the way, don't think we're turning into Bill Simmons here. We know that news of other people's fantasy leagues is best in small doses and we will act accordingly. See you tomorrow.

Clean Up

2007-03-28T20:30:00.000-04:00

1. The truly observant may have noticed a slight name change. Adam is now YL Adam. No big deal. I just wanted to be less generic when I left comments on other people's blogs.

2. There are many sites, as usual, who make points much more clearly than I could hope to. These include:

Pacifist Viking was able to discuss bigotry without making weird, quasi-racist jokes like I would have.

Signal To Nose Ratio produced an awesome NCAA post. I hate the NCAA, and if this weren't a site based around satire you would definitely know that by now.

I'm not the only one who thinks Jemele Hill sucks (Sports Hernia).

3. Be sure to check out the site tomorrow night. We will be releasing our hilarious Summer Project.

Peace out,

YL (remember, it's new) Adam.

He Even Has Lenin's Haircut

2007-03-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

Jeff Van Gundy has to answer for his actions:
(If you want this to make any sense at all check out this short article)

Joe McCarthy: Please state your name for the record.

Jeff Van Gundy: My name is Jeffery Van Gundy and I am the coach of the Houston Rockets.

JM: Mr. Van Gundy, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

JVG: Of course not.

JM: Did you not say, on or about the 27th of March 2007, that all NBA teams should receive an equal chance at winning the NBA draft lottery?

JVG: I did. I think its a good idea because...

JM: Sir, are you not aware that America is a country based on merit? Teams earn their chance to win the draft lottery. That chance is not doled out like wheat loaves in a Soviet bread-line.

JVG: Actually, the best lottery chances currently go to the worst teams. Those with the least merit. I just think it is fairer if everyone has an equal chance.

JM: Fair? Do not impose your definition of fairness upon me, comrade. To each, according to his ability. I will not let you Godless Communists take away the rights and freedoms that true heroes like me fight to protect.

JVG: You know we're talking about basketball right?

JM: Silence. How did you come up with this idea to assault the identity of America?

JVG: What?

JM: The lottery thing.

JVG: Oh. Well, I just think it would help competition. The way the lottery in now, there is an incentive to lose. I'm not saying that teams are losing on purpose, but the temptation is there. In the interest of promoting the best competition, we should remove that incentive.

JM: And when did you conceive of this sinister plot? Was it before or after you convinced your owner to switch the Rockets over to red uniforms?

JVG: I had nothing to do with the uniforms.

JM: BETTER DEAD THAN RED!!!

JVG: Anyway, it was something I thought about for a long time. But what finally pushed me over the edge was some literature that one of my players left me.

JM: Which player was this?

JVG: Yao Ming.

JM: Sir, you have now admitted to conspiring with a known Communist. You should be ashamed of yourself.

JVG: No I haven't. Yao isn't a Communist, he's just Chinese. Besides, the literature had nothing to do with Communism. It was about altering the status quo by reallocating the means of production. You know, like the draft lottery.

JM: I've heard enough but I will outline the case against you before I make my recommendation. You have tried to inject Communist ideals into the sacred American institution of draft lotteries. You read manifestos provided by communists. You drove a car of the people long after you could afford something better. Most importantly, you lead a group of twelve warriors, clad in red, in nightly contests against groups of real Americans. Do you have any response?

JVG: Nyet.

JM: Very well. My proposed punishment is simple. Your team, the Rockets, will be held as a five seed in the NBA western conference playoffs. There you will meet your doom as a team of true patriots, the Utah Jazz, will defeat you soundly. Your humiliation the hands of super-American Andrei Kirilenko should knock some sense into you. Now, begone. I am late for a meeting with a certain Cincinnati baseball team.

Joe Theismann Has Found His Calling

2007-03-27T23:02:00.000-04:00

ESPN must've felt sorry for Joe Theismann. Upon kicking him out of the Monday Night Football booth, they left him with nowhere to go, nothing to do. Ah, but wait! He could write something on ESPN.com. Anyone with even the slightest affiliation with ESPN, ABC, or Disney can write something on ESPN.com. That's just what Joe did.

This is truly a great piece. It must've taken Joe hours to not only come up with this list of his top 5 best organizations in the NFL, but also the extensive explanations why he selected the teams he did. Without stating so directly, it appears that if you're an owner that Joe likes, then you have a great organization. Regardless of championships won, or recent performance. Dallas at #3 may surprise some, but according to Theismann, "Jerry Jones does a great job." Period. End of story. Jones also does what he thinks it takes to be great every year. That's what separates him from others; not whether his team is actually great each year. That doesn't matter. Along those lines, I think that Al Davis does what he truly feels will make the Raiders great. That makes him a great owner and the Raiders a great organization.

Denver coming in at #2 on Joe's list needs only a simple explanation. It simply has everything to do with the owner. Whether the quarterback is John Elway, Jake Plummer, or Jay Cutler, the team wins championships.....

Perhaps Joe's boldest statement is the Ravens rounding out the top 5. Since they are a "pretty consistent playoff contender," that means they're great. When you think about greatness, who doesn't think about contending for the playoffs every year? Making the playoffs is a true sign of greatness. Each year, there are 12 great teams in the NFL.

What any team that didn't make the list needs to do is simple: act professionally, do what they think it takes to win (regardless of what that is), stick with their coach, and contend for the playoffs. That's what it takes to be great. Maybe Joe should next advise businesses on what it takes to be great, like author Jim Collins. Joe's tips would probably go something like this: keep your CEO (regardless of performance), rank in the top half of companies in your industry, and do whatever the CEO thinks it takes to be profitable.

Jemele Hill, By Popular Demand

2007-03-27T20:46:00.000-04:00

I'll be honest with you, I don't read any columns on ESPN.com anymore. I don't really enjoy any of their authors. I used to read Bill Simmons and enjoy it, then I read Bill Simmons to see how he would bother me, now I just think he's boring. So you'll forgive me for missing the latest Jemele Hill article. The fifty people who found our website (and this post) by searching some iteration of "Jemele Hill sucks/idiot/stupid" convinced me to check it out. Hill's article is something to behold. Too bad it's serious. If it were a satire, I believe its sheer brilliance would be enough to resurrect Jonathan Swift.

To the article. Her premise is that Kobe Bryant is a better player than Michael Jordan. That's also her first sentence. Here are her next four: "Not more successful. Hasn't had a bigger economic impact. Hasn't won more MVPs. Hasn't won more titles." Hmm, interesting strategy. I'm not sure pointing out four ways (four big ways) that Kobe is not better is the strongest way to build your case. But don't worry, it becomes apparent throughout the article that Hill isn't really interested in proving that Kobe is better than Jordan. She's merely interested in saying it.

Before we go any further, there are several places where Hill blindly asserts that Kobe is better than Jordan at some skill or ability. I'm not going to address those because I would just be blindly asserting back and there are funnier things to talk about.

For example, did you know that Vince Carter is clearly a better defender than Joe Dumars? It's true, look, "Jordan was guarded by the likes of John Starks and Joe Dumars, who were fine players but weren't nearly as skilled or physically imposing as LeBron, D-Wade, Tracy McGrady or even Vince Carter." I can write a sentence equally true and equally meaningful. Here it is. A lot of people think Ozzie Smith was a good defensive shortstop, but Omar Vizquel is better because Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Nomar Garciaparra hit way more home runs than Rafael Santana and Alfredo Griffin. Wait I found an even better example. Unfortunately for Hill, it's in her article. "Seven-footers weren't launching 3s [when Jordan was playing]." You heard it here first, Dirk Nowitzki's three-ball is why Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan. Also mentioned by Hill as reasons that Bryant is better than Jordan: Steve Nash's MVP awards and Tim Duncan's MVP awards. I wish I was kidding.

Hill points out that Bryant gets hit with a lot of off the court stuff that people let slide with Jordan. They mention Jordan forcing out Doug Collins, him beating up Steve Kerr in practice, his gambling, and his less than stellar marriage. Hill must be making the point that there are just as many off the field reasons to dislike Jordan as there are to dislike Bryant, and that maybe Jordan's are even a little bit worse than just one problem with Phil Jackson and a bogus rape charge. Surely this character judgment should impact our evaluation of them as players. Wait, what's that Jemele? "The best-player argument shouldn't be determined by personal dislike." Oh.

I guess we have to rely solely on their playing careers then. It's been a few paragraphs, could you tell me again how Bryant compared to Jordan in that regard? "Not more successful. Hasn't won more MVPs. Hasn't won more titles." Oh yeah.

Great article. You proved your point with adroit logic and eloquent language. Now, stop writing crazy things so I can go back to ignoring ESPN.com.

Would You Like Fries With That?

2007-03-26T16:46:00.000-04:00

Well, the word around town is that Joe Theeeeeesman is no longer going to be on Monday Night Football, telling you what coaches he had dinner with that week. I'm of two minds. I think Joe Theismann is a terrible announcer and he actually made me enjoy the games less so I'm happy he got fired. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a little bad for the guy. He has basically only one demonstrable skill: playing football. After Lawrence Taylor made that skill bend in unnatural directions Theismann parlayed his fame into a job doing something he stinks at. I can't really begrudge him that; people do it all the time in other walks of life. Decent actors become shitty singers. Decent Mayors become shitty Governors. Now he's fired from that job. I feel like I should help the guy out. I was able to obtain Joe's resume (don't ask me how) and, out of the goodness of my heart, I will post it here in order to aid his search for a new job.

(Click to enlarge)

If anyone out there can help Joe in anyway, even if its just a temp filing job, I'm sure he would appreciate it. Good luck Mr. Theismann, and Godspeed. I'm sure you'll land on your feet.

This Article Always Hits to the Right Side With a Runner In Scoring Position and Less Than Two Outs

2007-03-26T00:30:00.000-04:00

With apologies to the great FireJoeMorgan, Joe Morgan previews the AL West:

1st Place: Los Angeles Angels
I don't know much about the Angels but I know they're managed by Mike Soscia. Because he was a former catcher, Soscia knows how to do the little things to win ball games. Things like hitting and running, and moving the guy over. This is why the Angels won a World Series pretty recently. They've always had guys like David Eckstein, Darren Erstad and now Chone Figgins who are able to bunt and steal bases and be aggressive. Losing Erstad will hurt but the team first attitude will cause them to win games. They also signed Gary Matthews Jr. which I think will help them because I'm going to continue sticking my head in the sand and pretending that steroids have nothing to do with baseball.

2nd Place: Seattle Mariners
I don't know much about the Mariners but I do know that Ken Griffey Junior used to be on the team. I used to play with his father, Ken Griffey Sr. on the Reds. Also on that team was Davey Concepcion. There is no good explanation for why Davey is still waiting outside the Hall of Fame. He was the best fielding shortstop I ever saw and people forget that shortstop is supposed to be about fielding and was until Cal Ripken started changing the way the game was played and players like Nomar Garciaparra, Derek Jeter, and Alex Rodriguez followed in his footsteps. It's not fair to judge an old era shortstop by those offensive standards. Now ball parks are smaller and expansion has diluted the quality of pitchers.

3rd Place: Texas Rangers
I haven't gotten a chance to watch a Rangers game in a few years, but people tell me that they don't have very much pitching. Pitching wins championships. You can never have too much pitching. A pitcher's job is to win games, so if you don't have good pitchers you can't win games. The pitcher has the ball in his hand the whole game so he has a huge effect on the outcome. Pitching wins championships.

4th Place: Oakland A's
I never watch the A's play because I think that general managers should spend their time thinking about baseball and not writing books about themselves. Billy Bean will never have success until he stops looking at computers and starts not writing books about himself. The A's suffer because they never bunt. Bunting is important because it allows you to play small ball and manufacture runs. Once you have one run, you can rely on your pitchers to shut down the opposing team because pitching wins championships. When you don't bunt, you usually score more than one run, which makes your pitchers lazy and less likely to win championships. Davey Concepcion for the Hall.

Maybe, Like, Peyton Manning's Show, Maybe

2007-03-25T01:04:00.000-04:00

Well, Peyton Manning has been on SNL. He actually did a pretty good job even though it was pretty obvious that the writers were trying to protect him. But there was one sketch where they referred to "a Peyton Manning" as a situation where someone comes in with a bunch of high expectations and then fails miserably. They definitely had to clear that with Manning so it's pretty cool that he let that happen, although I'm sure his recent Super Bowl victory made it an easier pill to swallow.

There was no "I'll be in my room masturbating" moment, but the United Way sketch was very funny. As soon as I find some video of that I'll put it up. Good luck on your brackets.

**Update**
Found some video. I'm not sure how long this will last before it gets taken down but enjoy it for now.

**Update 2**
Video broke and its old enough now that I'm not going to bother finding a new copy.

Hail to the Chiefs

2007-03-23T20:22:00.000-04:00

One thing we do not lack here at Yelling Louder is star power. I was able to cajole several of the 2008 presidential candidates to tell us about their thoughts on the American League East.

New York Yankees-Hillary Clinton:
I am a life long Yankee fan. My possession of this Yankee hat proves it. What I like best about the Yankees is how polarizing they are. Everyone has a strong opinion about them. Some people appreciate the way they play the game in a businesslike manner and some people think they're a cold calculating bitch who always tries to give the answer people want to hear instead of what they actually think. I can respect that about them. I think they exemplify everything good about America. In fact, if they were a human being born in the United States no fewer than 35 years ago I would encourage them to run for president and then vote for them.

Boston Red Sox-Mitt Romney:
I refuse to talk about the Boston Red Sox. Doing so will only remind people that I am from Massachusetts. I'm trying to win the presidential nomination for the Republican party, gosh darn-it. Do you know what they would do if they found out I was a Mormon from Massachusetts? I'd stand no chance. I mean, that would be like a twice divorced, pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control mayor from New York City getting the nomination. Impossible. Well, maybe possible if I had an ounce of charisma. Or if the Big Dig that I oversaw wasn't a monument of inefficiency and didn't already kill people due to its poor construction. No. I blame the Red Sox. The Red Sox are why I won't win. Flip you Fenway.

Toronto Blue Jays-Barak Obama:
Congratulations Toronto! When I was growing up, the son of a goat-herder, the idea of Toronto being part of the United States was nothing but a pipe dream. But here we are. This goat-herder's son is a senator running for president, and Toronto is now part of America. I am unfamiliar with this American League, is it anything like the League of Nations or OAS? Anyway, welcome to America, Toronto. I promise you, when I become president it will be the beginning of a new accepting and diverse America. I'd like to welcome you ex-Canadians as the first of my new breed of PanAmericans.

Baltimore Orioles-John McCain:
Six years ago, everyone said the Orioles were too old to succeed. They proved everyone wrong in 2004 when they finished in third place. The important thing is that Baltimore has never compromised its message. They also stick to their convictions. When Rafael Palmiero was caught cheating and using steroids he had the good sense to blame a black immigrant for his problems. This shows a strength of character that I tried to emulate by speaking at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays-Tom Vilsack:
You may not have heard of me, but I used to be Governor of Iowa and I was running for president for a while. I know there's still a whole year before anything is decided in this election, but I already lost.

A Change at the Top?

2007-03-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen of Yelling Louder, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! When I see my first post on the screen before me, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the infield to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he's so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain.

My name is Pete, and I'm new here.

NL EAST PREVIEW

A new season is upon us. With opening day just around the corner, expectations of change dominate the NL East, for better or for worse. While nobody (except for Jimmy Rollins) may know who the team to beat really is, two things are certain:

The Nationals are absolutely pitiful, and Julio Franco remains very very old.

New York Mets – 1st Place

This year, the Mets find themselves in unfamiliar territory. Their pitching rotation is in shambles, and more than half of their rotation is unsettled. Injuries have created more vacancies than the Mets know what to do with. I stress to everyone, this is new ground for the Mets. Last year’s rotation stayed intact for approximately 36 days before disintegrating due to injury. The Mets won’t be able to take that kind of stability for granted this season, and it is sure to throw a wrench into their plans to repeat.

Given the unstable pitching rotation as well as their inability to improve their offense in the offseason, combined with the Phillies inevitable rise to the top of the East, some may be writing off this year’s Mets already. Many die-hards are already looking toward the 2008 season, when A-rod opts out of his current contract to take over second base for the kings of Queens.

May Keith Hernandez be with you, always.

Philadelphia Phillies – 2nd Place

After finishing 12 games back of the Mets last season, the Phillies are the team to beat in 2007. Why? Because Jimmy Rollins say so, that’s why.

While the Phillies made an impressive off-season acquisition in Freddy Garcia, Cole Hamels will be the one turning heads come opening day. He expects to win 20 games this season and compete for the Cy Young award, and who are we to argue with him? After going 9-8 in his first big league season while battling a degenerative back condition, 20 wins sounds like a lock.

As for their lineup, Ryan Howard is a beast, but he seems to have more help on the way this year. The Phillies have found their successor to Bobby Abreu in Shane Victorino. The additions of Wes Helms and Rod Barajas further solidify their potent offense.

So there you have it, the Phillies will start their season with lofty expectations and delusions of grandeur. They’ll have the NL MVP and the Cy Young winner on their side, and with that being said, the Mets may have to wait until the last week in September to clinch the division crown this year.

Florida Marlins – 3rd Place

History dictates to us that Florida is still two years away from their next World Series victory. But with the average Marlin still young enough to pull a Danny Almonte in Williamsport this summer, they will undoubtedly be classified as a team with a ton of potential, which undoubtedly translates into future success. (see: Alex Escobar, Bruce Chen, Rick Ankiel, Sean Burroughs, Drew Henson, Jeff Francoeur)

Dontrelle Willis will be a potential Hall of Famer when all is said and done, and Dan Uggla, Hanley Ramirez, and Josh Johnson all have the potential to be all-stars within the next two years. More and more as I write this, I wonder if this team has the potential to contend for a wild-card berth this year.

Even with all this potential, the greatest sign of improvement in south Florida can be nothing other than the dismissal of that bum Joe Girardi. Nothing brings down a young team like the National League Manager of the Year. In the end, only a baseball genius like Jeffery Loria could possess the vision to realize that the leadership of Fredi Gonzalez is just what this team needs thrive in the coming years. He has the potential to be a great manager someday.

I just can’t get over how much potential they have, as if you didn’t know already.

Atlanta Braves – 4th Place

On the whole, they are the most uninteresting team ever composed, in any sport. They’re the San Antonio Spurs of baseball, absolutely no excitement to their game, except the Spurs haven’t stopped winning yet, and the Spurs keep talented players. The Spurs constantly bring new talent into their organization, just like the Braves brought in Edgar Renteria and Kelly Johnson to get rid of that useless middle infield combo of Marcus Giles and Rafael Furcal. Good Riddance.

There you have it, the Braves are just like the Spurs. And Mike Hampton is coming back. Who smells another string of pennants?

Washington Nationals – 5th Place

If a team sucks in the middle of the beltway with no one around to see it, does anyone really give a damn?

State of the Union

2007-03-15T20:35:00.000-04:00

Sorry we've been slow lately. A series of illnesses and vacations have left us a little short on content. Fear not. The rest of the divisional previews will be posted soon, as well as some NCAA stuff and anything else that strikes our fancy.

We were considering flying in some of our friends from college, telling them to make every lame Borat joke they possibly think of and then live blogging the whole thing. Admittedly, we were worried that it wouldn't have enough to do with sports. But it ended up not mattering because, unfortunately, someone beat us to it. Boy, the four letter is cutting edge. Stand strong with us through this adversity and you will come out the other side a better man or woman.

Everyone Deserves a Second Chance

2007-03-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

For the next division preview, Steve Phillips takes a look at the NL West:

Baseball is all about the moves that you make in the offseason to make your team better. Part of this is giving veteran players who may have fallen on hard times a second chance. I am an example of how important it is to give people second chances.

1st Place: San Diego Padres

This season is all about Greg Maddux. Bringing him over from LA was a great move. While most felt that Maddux was too old and had lost his touch, the Padres knew he's still a great player. This is the chance that Maddux needs to prove he's still exactly the same pitcher who led the Atlanta Braves to so many wins years ago. It's important not to look at his performance with the Cubs and Dodgers. When evaluating a player, I always look at how they performed at their peak. Teaming Maddux with David Wells is potent combination. San Diego might want to think about making a trade during the season for Rheal Cormier of Cincinnati.

2nd Place: Los Angeles Dodgers

One of the best moves this offseason was the acquisition of Luis Gonzalez. While his batting average has dropped below .300 the past few seasons, he still possesses the great potential he demonstrated earlier in his career. He anchored the Diamondbacks for many years, and led them to a World Series championship. He will do the same in LA. When you have a player like this on your team, you will win. There's no substitute for veteran leadership when playoff time comes around.

3rd Place: San Francisco Giants

The Giants made two great moves to bring in veteran players who have struggled in recent years. First, by bringing back Barry Bonds, the Giants give a second chance to a player who has struggled through steroids. Regardless of whether he actually took steroids, it's clear to see how Bonds' production suffered. If he can bounce back to the form he showed during his years with the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Giants could surprise some people. Secondly, getting Barry Zito to move across the Bay was a surprising move that will payoff. When no one wanted the veteran pitcher, the Giants stepped up and gave him the hundreds of millions needed to motivate such a player. By giving Zito such a contract, the Giants send a message that they believe in him. That's all he needs. When I was GM of the Mets, I always tried to pay my players as much as possible, and the bigger the player, the more astronomical the salary.

4th Place: Arizona Diamondbacks

I hate to have to put the D'backs in fourth place, because they perhaps made the best move by bringing back Randy Johnson. It's clear that when he's in Arizona, Johnson is a truly great pitcher. Having led the Diamondbacks to a World Series, I have no doubt that he can perform at a championship level. I would totally pay him the nearly $16 million this season. If he wins 10 games, I'd up that to $25 million. You have to keep your best players. Arizona knows they made a mistake in letting Johnson go. Johnson will turn it around and regain the dominance he once showed. Great move. Great team.

5th Place: Colorado Rockies

With all the great talent that came to this division, the Rockies had to keep up. Javy Lopez was a great catcher for the Atlanta Braves in the 90's. While he hasn't been as great in recent years, coming back to the National League will certainly provide Lopez with the spark to bring his bat back to life. The catcher anchors the entire team. In New York, we had Mike Piazza. He was great. San Diego let him get away, in fact. That will hurt them.

Diamond Notes

2007-03-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

Now comes the second of our MLB previews. Peter Gammons does the NL Central

1st Place-St. Louis Cardinals:
The most important addition the Red Sox made this off-season was the signing of J.D. Drew. Drew brings a combination of power and speed that Tito Francona can use at any place in the line up. This will give him a presence he hasn't had in recent years. The closest the Red Sox have had since Dwight Evans is Clifford Floyd.

2nd Place-Houston Astros:
Despite moving closer John Papelbon into the rotation and the uncertainty of Daisuke Matsuzaka along with the aging of Curt Schilling, there might be a chance that pitching will be a strength for the Red Sox. But, it is also possible that pitching will be a weakness that the Red Sox will need to overcome with their bats. And Kason Gabbard.

3rd Place-Chicago Cubs:
I was on stage with Theo playing some Pearl Jam tunes and he told me that while he liked the roster he had now he was not going to stand pat all season and would try to see where the team was before deciding what changes to make later. Then we hit some power chords and went home.

4th Place-Milwaukee Brewers:
Curt Schilling called me on my home phone my office phone and my cell phone and and e-mailed me yesterday to see if I had any questions to ask him. I told him I didn't. But, Then he mumbled something incoherently. I foolishly said "What did you say?" and he spent the next three and a half hours creating rumors and then denying them.

5th Place-Cincinnati Reds:
The best 23 year old shortstop on the Red Sox is probably Dustin Pedroia. After impressive showings in Pawtucket and elsewhere it is now up to him to take the next step and provide the ability at shortstop that Edgar Renteria could not. George Kottaras, Matt Clement, David Ortiz, Wily Mo Pena, Erik Hinske Tim Wakefield.

6th Place-Pittsburgh Pirates:
Good God, the Pirates suck.

The Old Man and the C. C. Sabathia

2007-03-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

So begins our coverage of the 2007 MLB season. As an extra treat, our first preview will be from Special Guest Author Pacifist Viking. He is author of the aptly name Pacifist Viking blog, which provides interesting, cogent analysis of sports. And occasionally poetry. Somehow, we tricked him into slumming it up with us here at Yelling Louder and he responded by providing an interesting article without a single gratuitous porno reference, or weird, misplaced commentary on homosexuality. I promise I'll figure out how to do that some day. That's enough from me, I'll let Pacifist Viking's words speak for themselves:

Pacifist Viking:

Since I only casually follow baseball, I needed help with this AL Central preview. In order to write it, I drank strawberry daiquiris and channeled the spirit of Ernest Hemingway. I asked Hemingway to write a short story for each team in the AL Central. The disembodied spirit of Hemingway seems to have lost its muse, however, as most of these stories seem like rehashes of his more famous work. But this is the result.

The Minnesota Twins (2006: 1st in div., lost in AL Division Series 3-0)
Projected Finish: 1st in AL Central

The As circled the team. The Twins looked out at the A's. They grabbed onto the harpoons.

“They are our brothers, but we must kill them,” the Twins said. The A's attacked. The Twins smiled and stabbed. They kept stabbing and stabbing at the A's. The A's were relentless, and kept biting at the harpoon. The Twins grimaced.

For a moment they shut their eyes, and an A lunged at the harpoon. The Twins pulled back, but the A's broke the harpoon. The Twins sat helplessly in the boat as the A's began circling the fish. The Twins heads fell. They turned their eyes to the piercing sun in the white relentless sky. They looked down to see the A's devouring the fish they worked all day to subdue.

As the boat floated in toward shore, the boy came out to meet the Twins. The Twins smiled. “I must rest tonight, little boy,” the Twins said. The Twins went into the house and looked at the crucifix on the wall. “Nada,” they said, and collapsed onto the hard cot.

The Twins’ sleep was hard and dreamless. They awoke the next day and picked up the fishing tackle.

“A team can be destroyed but not defeated,” the team said.

Chicago White Sox (2006: 3rd in division)
Projected Finish: 2nd in AL Central, Wild Card

“Sometimes a man needs a clean, well-lighted place,” the reporter said.

“What are you, some sort of f-----?” Ozzie replied.

Cleveland Indians (2006: 4th in div.)
Projected Finish: 3rd in AL Central

A passage from Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms:

“Once in camp I put a log on top of the fire and it was full of ants. As it commenced to burn, the ants swarmed out and went first toward the center where thefire was; then turned back and ran toward the end. When there was enough on the end they fell off onto the fire. Some got out, their bodies burned and flattened, and went off not knowing where they were going. But most of them went toward the fire and then back toward the end and swarmed on the cool end and finally fell off into the fire. I remember thinking at the time that it was the end of the world and a splendid chance to be a messiah and lift the log off the fire and throw it out where the ants could get off onto the ground. But I did not do anything but throw a tin cup of water on the log, so that I would have the cup empty to put whiskey in before I added water to it. I think the cup of water on the burning log only steamed the ants.”

The same passage from the ants’ perspective:

We are Cleveland sports fans.

The Detroit Tigers (2006: 2nd in div., Wild Card, lost in World Series 4-1)
Projected Finish: 4th in AL Central

The Tigers held their bottles of wine. The wine was cold. They drank the wine hard and fast. Their friend watched them.

“Cheers,” said the Tigers. Their friend smiled.

“That woman is unspeakable,” said their friend.

“Yes,” said the Tigers. They looked down at their bottles.

“Perhaps if I still had—“ The Tigers looked between their legs at the place of their wounds. Their friend looked at them.

“You must never speak of that,” said the friend.

Kansas City Royals (2006: 5th in div.)
Projected Finish: 5th in AL Central

The Royals stood holding the gun, waiting. They watched the bush. Suddenly the lion burst out. The Royals dropped the gun and ran away. They ran toward the woman. The woman was holding a rifle. The woman yelled, “duck!” but the Royals did not duck. With the second shot, she hit the lion.

Play Ball

2007-03-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

Here at Yelling Louder, we love baseball. At least, Adam loves baseball. And Adam is a cruel patriarch, so everyone loves baseball. We'll have some MLB divisional previews coming up next week, including one from a special guest author, which is why it is extremely important that all 19 of you tune in every single day. If you don't, you'll never discover how satirically well your favorite baseball team will perform.

In the interest of full disclosure, the majority of people preparing your previews are Yankee fans. However, we are incredible jackasses (news to you, I'm sure) so we don't think this will impact us all too much.

That being said, here is an proto-preview of the AL

MVP--Jeter: .563 BA 82HR 100000000000RBI
Cy Young--Pavano: 32-1 0.08 ERA (all runs come on bullshit plays that should have been errors)
ROY-- Phil Hughes: Debuts on June 5th, 15-3 1.00 ERA 0.24 WHIP; begets the baby of Scarlett Johansson.
Manager of the Year--Jeter: Takes over on April 12 after Torre succumbs to the cancer that should have gotten his brother.

So anyway, we're totally impartial, don't worry.

What Happens in Vegas, Stays in the NBA

2007-02-28T14:16:00.000-05:00

The reports of crime and violence during the NBA All-Star weekend brought much attention to the league and its players. In particular, an incident at a strip club was the focus of the attention. The incidents from the weekend sparked reaction from across the league and around the country. Here's what some had to say:

Derek Fisher:
Our players acted fine. There were no murders. The NBA can't control what happens at strip clubs. A strip club is not an NBA venue, unlike, say, Mark Cuban's house. If Mark Cuban hosted a party at his house and had strippers, that would be an official NBA event.

Tim Hardaway:
I hate strippers. I don't like to be around strippers. I've been clinically diagnosed with a phobia for strippers. They shouldn't be in the world, and also not in the United States. I wouldn't want strippers on my team. They shouldn't be in the locker room while I'm in there, because I only allow other guys to see me naked. If there were a stripper on my team, I'd get make the GM trade them. Or, maybe I'd just retire; that might be easier.

Scottie Pippen:
If I were in the league, there wouldn't be any problems like this. Since everyone in the NBA respects and admires me, I'd just tell them all how to behave, and they'd listen to me. We never had any trouble like this when I played in Chicago. That's because the team viewed me as a leader and role model. Then I went to Portland, and things were different. Not sure why.

LeBron James:
It's all about trust. If I can't trust that when you throw thousands of dollars at a stripper and don't expect them to take it, then I can't trust you. If I can't trust you, you can't be on my team. I couldn't trust Pacman Jones. If I played for the Tennessee Titans, I'd ask to be traded. I have to play with teammates who throw money at strippers and don't ask for it back. That's a true teammate.

Pacman Jones:
Who honestly believes that when you throw $81,000 at someone that you expect them to take it?! How many times have you thrown thousands of dollars at someone and not asked for it back? I bet the answer is zero.

Marvin Lewis:
Are you sure no Bengals were involved? I don't believe you. The police out there must not have been doing their job.

Stephen A. Smith:
The NBA doesn't need to worry about the problems from the All-Star weekend. The biggest crime this year has been the Boston Celtics. Their fans should have their money refunded. They're terrible! Also, why can't every player in the NBA model themselves after the greatest player in the game, Allen Iverson. The league would be 10 times better if more players performed like A.I.

Sean Salisbury:
What Pacman Jones did is troubling, but it's not the worst thing he could've done. Just like what his teammate Albert Haynesworth did. It wasn't that bad. What's not forgivable is what Terrell Owens does. When you disrespect your teammates and coaches you've committed the worst crime. Not playing hard on every play is the worst thing an athlete could do. I would throw T.O. out of the NFL.

Nate Robinson:
The strangest thing happened when I was in this strip club - the strippers brought me on stage and started jumping over me. They must've gotten the idea from Gerald Green. It's definitely a crowd-pleaser to see someone jump over me. Since I'm totally awesome, people use me as a prop in their performances. But when you let me shoot the three, that's when you realize how good I am.

Peyton Manning:
I usually only take $100 to strip clubs. That ensures that I don't lose too much money. I give Eli $25 to do whatever he wants. He usually spends it all on one lap dance. I like to spread my money around; just like how I spread the football around on the field, getting it to all of my receivers.

Dennis Green:
The strippers are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook! That's why we went to the damn strip club. Who treats an NBA All-Star weekend like it's bullshit? Bullshit!

Don't Talk to Me About Relish, A Hot Dog's Job is to Win Games

2007-02-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

Long time readers of FireJoeMorgan are familiar with their quixotic attempt to make sense of Joe Morgan's ESPN.com chat sessions. The writers of FJM have found many reasons to be frustrated with Joe. The most common may be Joe's frequent pleas of ignorance when asked to evaluate a specific team, player, or series (see this post for a pretty good example). In an attempt to explain how a man paid to talk about baseball games could be so ignorant about baseball, they have formulated the theory that Joe only watches the games he broadcasts. While that theory remains unproven, I have some good news for FJM (if one of their writers ever accidentally makes his way over to this site). I have discovered some evidence of what Joe is doing when he's at a ball park and could be preparing for the game or otherwise thinking about or watching baseball.

See it's not Joe's fault. He has been forced by broadcast partner Jon Miller to go to the concession stand and get the concessions. If we could just get Miller to stop hazing Joe, I'm sure we would start getting all kinds impressive analysis and VORP mentions during the Joe Chats. Leave the man alone Jon.

Class Politics

2007-02-27T20:11:00.000-05:00

Written in the style of Scottie Pippen:

I just wanted to let all the teams out there know that I'm still available to be signed and I'm still looking to come back. I know I was hard to get in touch with over the weekend but there was a good reason for that. I was at my high school reunion. That's right, it's been twenty-four years since I graduated from Hamburg High School back in Arkansas.

I'd never gone to a reunion before but I thought it was the right time. Unfortunately, Hamburg High decided not to hold a twenty-four year reunion this year. It's cool though. That's not the one I wanted to go to anyway. I wanted to prove my mettle against some stronger competition and prove I could still hang with the young guys. I decided to attend this year's ten year reunion with the class of 1997.

I arrived at Morris's Tavern and made my way to the wood-paneled room with the life-size stuffed buffalo where the reunion was taking place. I'll be the first to admit that it was a little intimidating looking at all those young guys. They'd have an advantage over me due to having much less mileage on their bodies and I would have to make it up with my experience and guile. I tried not to think about that, wrote out a name tag, and stepped inside. People kept trying to come up and talk to me, but I kept my game face on. These kids were all still in their 20's so I needed to stay focused.

I was setting up some cones for an agility drill when an MC on stage called for all of our attention. Everyone else in the room seemed to know who he was but I didn't. Probably because I graduated fourteen years before he did. He said he had some awards to hand out to everyone who had made it back. I listened to the names as they were called and got my targets: class party animal was a scrawny looking guy named Frank Holmes, class heart-throb was a 6'10" Croatian named Alex Bogdovic, and class athlete was some chump named Brian Moore. This was my competition. I knew if I could best these guys at their games I would prove to the world that I deserved a ten day contract with the Lakers.

I set my sites on Holmes first. I had a huge weight advantage on him so I figured if I went shot for shot I could send him to the hospital with room to spare. Sure enough, after the 14th SoCo and Lime in 5 minutes he was done for. I moved on to Moore. This is where my wily veteraness came into play. I knew that my BAC was hovering around .30 and that there was no way I could feel pain. So I challenged Moore to a bare knuckle boxing match. I don't really remember what happened, but I know that I was still standing at the end. Now to get laid and defeat Bogdovic. I found the hottest chick in the room and started chatting her up and buying her drinks. I thought I sealed the deal but at the last second Blogdovic came in and stole my chance to score. Damn Croatians, they're always doing that to me.

In the end I was pretty happy with my performance and I think it speaks for myself. I didn't have 100% success but I showed I could hold my own against younger competition. I am the total package and I guarantee anyone that signs me at least six championships. Just as long as you already have the greatest player of the generation.

Mmmm...Chili-dogs

2007-02-27T00:15:00.000-05:00

Account of a typical New York Knicks game: an inner monologue of Jerome James:

Oh man, why does coach always start me. He should use that white guy. What's his name? Dan, Don, Darren, something like that. Coach should start him, I get paid either way. I just want to eat some cheese fries. I love cheese fries. I keep asking coach to have some at practice but he never brings them. I wonder why not. Oh no we already did the tip! Who am I supposed to guard. I'll just see who Eddie guards and then get on the next tallest guy. Oh man that sounded totally gay. I remember Danny Fortson always talked about gays back in Seattle. What did he say? Wait we have the ball. I wish everyone would slow down, I'm tired. Oh good a foul, I can rest. I'm going to look at coach to see if I can get him to take me out. I'll make a face that looks like I'm thinking about enjoying chili-dogs. Then coach will know I want a chili-dog. Man what happened, everyone started running again. How could the foul be over already? Oh please sit me soon please sit me soon please sit me soon please sit me soon. Whistle! Horn! I'm on the Bench! Man, no food on the bench. Gotta wait until half time. Chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries,chili-dog, cheese fries, chili-dog, cheese fries. Half Time. Oh yeah, I forgot, coach said no chili-dogs or cheese fries at half time. Now what. I have to wait a whole half?!

::Loony Toons Theme Song::

Awesome, game's over. Arby's here I come.

Public Service for Non Idiots

2007-02-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

A lot of times Real Journalists try to marginalize bloggers, or other people they don't agree with, for lacking inside information or connections. The idea is that these Real Journalists can write better, more informative articles due to this inside information. If you ever see a Real Journalist make such a claim, immediately send him this Chad Ford article entitled Five Trades that Should Be Made.

Since you can only get this article if you are an Insider (shit like this is worth paying for), I'm going to give a little taste of Chad's genius. He recommends (remember, these are trades that should happen) the following 3-team 15-player move:

Pau Gasol, Rasho Nesterovic, Brian Cardinal, Morris Peterson and Fred Jones to Magic

Grant Hill, Jose Calderon, Trevor Ariza, Keyon Dooling, and Rights to Fran Vasquez to Grizzlies

Darko Milicic, Hedo Turkoglu, Carlos Arroyo, Stromile Swift, and Lawrence Roberts to the Raptors

Leave aside whether or not you think such a trade could legitimately help either team. My guess is that the absence of a real game changer combined with so many bodies going each way would make any help minimal. But like I said, forget about that. Chad Ford is suggesting that two teams in a playoff hunt, the Magic and the Raptors, turnover half of their rosters. Peter Vescey wet-dreams to more reasonable trade rumors. Chad also bombs out a four teamer later on in the article, but I don't to ruin the surprise.

Oh well, at least the Four Letter didn't add in anything about NASCAR for no reason. Or plagiarize YaySports. Or plagiarize M-Zone. Or include a quote from a fake Allen Iverson. Boy, ESPN is awesome. We are so lucky to have them and all of their Real Journalists.

NBA Round Up

2007-02-21T21:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry we took a day off. But don't worry, NBA teams have begun play following the All Star Break and the trade deadline is looming. We thought it would be a good time to take a look around the league and see what some of the finest analysts in the country had to say about the NBA.

Bill Simmons:
I started getting daily calls from my buddy Slob-Knob (he works for someone really famous and I know him) sometime in November. We were making fun of basketball teams like the Knicks, just like me and Jimmy Kimmel always do. I know Jimmy Kimmel. So me and Slob-Knob were talking about how much the Knicks sucked last year and how bad a GM Isiah Thomas must be to put together a team that was so bad. There is no way it was Larry Brown's fault because no coach could make a team that bad. It has to be the GM.

Charles Barkley:
There is no way I'll lose an eating contest to a 115 pound dude, I accept Kobayashi's challenge.

John Hollinger:
The most underrated player this year is definitely Andre Miller of the Philadelphia 76ers. His Total Basketball Genius Metric per game is an astonishing 105.2947. Meanwhile, his media ratedness quotient is a mere 72.340814. Something needs to change.

Bill Simmons:
I was on the phone with my dad the other day, but my call waiting clicked and it was my buddy K-Rabs. I met K-Rabs back when I worked on the Jimmy Kimmel show with Jimmy Kimmel. That's where I met Jimmy Kimmel, who is a famous person. I'm friends with Jimmy Kimmel. Me and K-Rabs were talking about how awesome it is that the Celtics are terrible we're totally going to get a great pick. Also, its obviously Doc Rivers' fault that this team is so bad. When a team is this bad, it's always the coach's fault. I don't even see a need to mention Danny Ainge.

Michael Irvin:
Come on guys, let me in. Hey Scoop are they saying your ID isn't good either? Wait, why is someone in my parking spot?

Michael Jordan:
8.

Bill Simmons:
jimmykimmeldadthedoozesportsgaljimmykimmelbasketballjesusjimmy kimmelcelticsnomarpedrojimmykimmelbostonthesearemyreaderswnba celticslarrybirdjimmykimmelmybuddyjbugvegasiwillnowsetmyselfonfire iwllnotargueaboutthisjimmykimmelcelticsdavidortizjimmykimmel90210 jimmykimmeltombradypeytonmanningfacepantheonimadeadoodypartiots
karatekidbloggerssuckyouprobablyreadthisinthebathroomjimmykimmel.

Pacman Jones:
I wasn't even in Las Vegas. What's basketball? Stop asking me questions.

Chris Berman:
Hey look over here. Hey someone pay attention to me. Come on, let's talk about football. Football. I'm in charge of football. Hey, hey, look at me I'm important. I'm Chris Berman Damn it!

Stephen A:
The Knicks are terrible! Scott Layden is terrible! However, I gotta give love to my man Isaih for keeping it real for all the atheists out there.

It's Great To Be Rich

2007-02-19T12:48:00.001-05:00

With baseball season fast approaching, one of last year's hot topics is starting off the new season with fresh momentum. I came across this article, which outlines new insights into the A-Rod and Derek Jeter relationship.

Some quotes from A-Rod:

"We were like blood brothers." (Referring to his relationship with Jeter)

"You don't have to go to dinner with a guy four, five times a week to do what you're doing."

"You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."

"You don't ask me about Derek anymore, and I promise I'll stop lying to all you guys."

"I love being the highest-paid player in the game. It's pretty cool. I like making that money. Whatever you say is important. People listen to you. That's pretty cool. Nobody used to listen to me before."

So, there it is. A-Rod and Jeter go from being BFFs, to not going to dinner five nights a week and no longer having sleepovers. Maybe the fact that A-Rod got married brought an end to the dinners and sleepovers; or maybe one of the women Jeter was dating got tired of always having A-Rod around. No wonder the Yankees haven't won a championship in recent years; how can a team in which its captain and star player don't have regular sleepovers expect to win?

All that aside, it's good to know that A-Rod is still happy. Being the highest paid player in the game is a source of great joy for him. That should allow him to go out and have fun and play for the love of the game and win championships, right? But, maybe we're looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it's not about the championships. A-Rod has been given the chance to have a great influence on society through his wealth accumulation. As he notes, now "people listen to [him]". I know I'm certainly listening to him; when someone gets a contract that big, they must be important and have valuable knowledge to share. So now that A-Rod has everyone listening to him, what is he saying?

Well, he's apparently ready to "stop lying to [the media]." And he's talking about how Jeter's no longer his boy and how this won't affect their chance to win a World Series this year. It's comforting to know that despite all of this, the Yanks still have a great shot at winning it all this year. I'm sure Joe Torre, who almost lost his job at the end of last season, spent his entire offseason thinking about A-Rod's relationship with Jeter. Well, Joe, you can relax now, A-Rod is happy and rich.

Oh yeah, and A-Rod has an option to get out of his contract after this season and leave the team. Maybe then, Derek Jeter will take him out for one last dinner.

Now We Just Need Joe Buck to Retire

2007-02-16T14:02:00.000-05:00

Two pieces of good news floating around the internets this morning.

1. Jay Mariotti is taking some time off. When I saw this on Deadspin I felt happy for myself but I can only imagine how the fine people at a certain Jay Mariotti blog must feel.

2. Awful Announcing passes along the rumor that Michael Irvin is getting the ax. If any of you are still holding on to tie-knot futures, I'd cash them out immediately.

That's all happy listeners. I'll probably be back later with a post of more substance.

Ridin' Dirty

2007-02-15T22:39:00.001-05:00

This is probably the only time you'll see me write about NASCAR, but I have been moved to do so after hearing so much about it this week. I have a vague understanding of this 'sport', and won't claim to even be able to name five drivers. I'm not even sure the dude who drove the car sponsored by Viagra still drives, but regardless, someone should have a car sponsored by Viagra. Also, someone should get one sponsored by Flomax. Speaking of, does Dick Trickle still race?

Anyway, this week when I turned on ESPN, browsed the internet, and looked at the little TV screen in the elevator in my office building, I kept hearing about NASCAR. There was apparently some trickery going on at the Daytona 500. Crew chiefs were cheating or something. Jeff Gordon qualified, then they found he did something wrong. I guess some guys used some illegal parts or put vodka in the gas tanks or something. I understood it to be the equivalent of Kenny Rogers putting some "dirt" on his hand when pitching in the American League playoffs. That's all fine and well, but it sounds like this really pissed off a lot of people.

Toyota seemed to very angry that a crew using one of their cars got into trouble. I can understand, however I think Toyota is also guilty of deceiving people. I have heard people refer to the particular Toyota car being used in NASCAR as the "Camry." Now, my mom drives a Camry, and I can tell you that the cars that appear on the NASCAR tracks look absolutely nothing like a Camry. I'm not sure Toyota should be allowed to get away with that. If they want to use a Camry, then take one off the lot; it should be easy to find one, it's the best selling car in America. But, I'm not just calling out Toyota. Ford is supposedly using Tauruses as its cars. That's total bullshit. There's no way a Taurus can go over 95 mph without giving the driver the feeling that something is going to go wrong with the car very soon.

Also, I just saw an article stating that Boston Red Sox owner John Henry has entered into a NASCAR partnership to create 'Roush Fenway Racing.' If this racing team has the kind of success that Henry brought to the Red Sox, that means they'll spend a ton of money and maybe win one race. Henry probably just wanted to compete in a sport in which he wouldn't have to face the Yankees. Or, he just wanted to be able to say that he "races cahs."

Well, that's all I can say about NASCAR right now. I'm too busy getting ready to buy this piece of crap.

Linking Louder

2007-02-15T18:58:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling somewhat lazy today so I'm going to give you some links. The good news is that none of the links have anything to do with Tim Hardaway. The better news is that they're all awesome articles.

My favorite part about this upcoming weekend is the impending race between Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley. As a Knicks fan, Dick Bavetta holds a special place in my heart. Awful Announcing has info on that, as well as other happenings in the NBA All-Star weekend.

Chris' Sports Blog asks a legitimate question. Why on earth should anyone care what Bill Simmons has to say about college basketball?

The Big Picture interviews blogger and ex-Daily Quickie writer Dan Shanoff. Very interesting read.

That's all for now, I'll add some more if I come across anything.

Tim Hardaway Probably Doesn't Have Many Elton John Records

2007-02-15T00:05:00.000-05:00

This is incredible.

Something I decided to do when I heard about John Amaechi coming out was to pretend all the reaction quotes we got were referring to his skin color rather than his sexual orientation. Let's do that together here:

"You know, I hate [black] people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said. "I don't like [black] people and I don't like to be around [black] people. I am [virulently racist]. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

Wow Timmy, those are some bold words. What would happen if a black guy like Amaechi was on your team?

"First of all, I wouldn't want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him because, uh, I don't think that's right. And you know I don't think he should be in the locker room while we're in the locker room. I wouldn't even be a part of that."

Personally I think gay people should have their own water fountains, so I know where you're coming from Tim-bo. Good job on Pros vs. Joes by the way.

I'm not trying to be flippant about racism. As a white male from the East Coast, I don't have a whole lot of real world experience with systematic societal oppression. But Tim Hardaway is a black man born in 1966 in Chicago. Chicago wasn't the antebellum South, but it also wasn't without its own problems. I don't understand how someone could grow up amid such arbitrary intolerance and then make these kinds of statements. I wish suggesting there should be separate gay locker rooms would hit a little bit closer to home for him. Sometimes things change very slowly.

**Update**
If you have ESPN insider you can read Chris Broussard try to speak intelligently on the topic I don't agree with him entirely but I do applaud him for trying to keep an open mind.

Also, The Big Lead, who were kind enough to link to this post, have some video of the interview.

More Easy Traffic

2007-02-14T16:08:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I slapped together a post where I compared sports to pornography. This was done for a couple of reasons. Its easy to get a lot of fake traffic when you drop the names of 10 porn stars into one of your posts (in case you're wondering, Janine Lindemulder had the most fans who were fooled into thinking this blog contained naked pictures) and its easy to write a list-type article. You can make the same jokes three or four times without too many people noticing.

If there's one thing I love more than porn (questionable premise) it's cartoons. About 75% of my dvd collection is cartoons. Don't look at me like that, I actually only own like 30 DVD's or so; it's not that weird. Whatever, The Simpsons is awesome. Anyway, for cartoons you can't beat Adult Swim on cartoon network. Each show has its own feel and the creators take deft advantage of the fact that you can make anything you want happen in a cartoon. OK, screw the long set up, I'm going to compare NBA players to Adult Swim cartoons.

Space Ghost Coast to Coast--Dennis Rodman. Looking back its easy to see that this was the beginning. Sure it seemed crazy and weird at the time but it really was just some hair dye and funny interviews. Lots of people seem to forget how successful it all was. When it was gone, you figured, "oh well that a nice little patch of craziness, we'll never see anything that weird again," until...

Aqua Teen Hunger Force--Ron Artest. There's not a whole lot more to say about Artest. If there's any NBA player who makes the idea that a milkshake and hamburger solve mysteries seem normal, it's him. I also wouldn't be surprised if he managed to accidentally cause a terrorism scare in Boston.

Sealab 2021--Mark Cuban. I know this is kind of cheating, but sometimes he makes Artest seem linear and predictable. Also, Sealab explodes at the end of every episode. I expect Mark Cuban to explode when he dies. And he kind of looks like Stormy.

Robot Chicken--Gilbert Arenas. Hibachi.

Family Guy--Eddie Curry. Everything looks ok at first glance. Then one day you realize, "wait a minute, I'm paying my starting center more than $8M a year but he can only get 7 boards a game, he can't play defense, and he's too lazy to even make a cursory effort to have his jokes somehow related to the plot? Awesome."

American Dad--Mark Blount. Just a crappier version of Eddie Curry.

Cartoons are awesome and so is the NBA.

Colts 38-Patriots 34 Part XVIII

2007-02-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

In an effort to spare you some misery (I don't make fun of Dickens because I think he's awesome) we are jumping ahead in Charles Dickens's epic recap of the AFC championship game. We skipped over all the parts where the mysterious man in the sleeveless hoodie taught Tom Brady how to be a gentleman.

The last installment (Part III) can be found here.

It was not that I had something against Mr. Bledsoe, for in truth I found him to be quite charming. Instead, our friction derived from a surplus of desire and a deficit of opportunity. The man I had something against I had met some years earlier.

I had recently graduated from a University (Michigan) that provided quite an exhaustive education. Many graduates, though not I (for even a college education could do nothing to augment my natural lack of cleverness), were able to coin new phrases and taunts like "Buck the Fuckeyes". Creativity like that, and cleverness, was something that I have, for all of my life, found intimidating. Most intimidating of all at the university, however, was not those people who were able to come up with such tickling ideas as switching the first letter of the word fuck and the first letter of the team we wished to fuck (but think of the possibilities! Cuck the Folts, Yuck the Fankees, or, in hockey, Fuck the Flames) but, instead, a man of athletic build and gait.

Drew Henson was a man who could throw footballs far and throw them accurately. Mr. Henson made me think back to my my tire and my backyard. By my estimation, Mr. Henson could have thrown a ball through that tire from 70 yards away no fewer than 50 times consecutively. Mr. Henson scared me.

The only thing that gave me any sort of comfort at all was my relationship with Mr. Belichick. Mr. Belichick promised me success in the NFL. In fact, he told me that I should try to be merely average in my time at Michigan. I found no trouble doing this because I thought myself to be eminently average, no more. So average I tried to be and I hoped it would be enough to fend off Mr. Henson, and enough to maintain Mr. Belichick's faith in me. Michigan was cold, and I played in a big house, but I knew that any trouble I encountered there would be far less troubling than what would happen to me if I were to fail Mr. Belichick.

End of Part XVIII

Check back every Tuesday for continuing installments of Charles Dickens's recap of the AFC championship game. The first installment can be found here.

Who Wants to Do Some Schotts?

2007-02-13T16:14:00.000-05:00

The dismissal of Marty Schottenheimer as Chargers' coach should surprise few. The fact that it took this long is confusing. Further, the fact that Wade Phillips is a head coach in the NFL again is even more disconcerting. Now, the Chargers must search for a new coach with few options available.

Sure, most will suggest the obvious candidates such as Mike Ditka, Dennis Green, Art Shell, Marv Levy, and Ted Marchibroda. Yes, these are all proven winners and would no doubt give San Diego a chance at Super Bowl glory; but for the future of the Chargers to remain bright, a new, innovative coach should be given a chance. Look at the Oakland Raiders. Al Davis, one of the brightest minds in football, took a shot and brought in first-timer Lane Kiffin from USC. Now, you'll see the Raiders' offense explode. This comparison is also appropriate because the Raiders are in California, like the Chargers. So are the 49ers, who coincidentally have young-gun Norv Turner directing the offense with numerous young weapons. Even closer to the Chargers are the USC Trojans, who have arguably played better football over the past few years than a third of the NFL teams.

Go a few miles east, and you find the Arizona Cardinals, with Ken Whisenhunt directing a high-powered offense led by Matt Leinart, who came from the USC family. The Chargers need to compete with this. When you live near Hollywood, you need to be able to put on a show. 'Martyball' is not what fans are looking for; Philip Rivers is not the big-name player like Eli Manning. NFL Draft Czar Archie Manning's number one reason for not letting his son play in San Diego was Marty Schottenheimer. Just think of the greatness the Chargers could have achieved if they had been allowed to sign Manning (see NY Giants). Running the ball with LaDanian Tomlinson is not fun to watch. Who wants to see that? I'd rather watch Jeff George toss touchdowns to Randy Moss all day long. Now, that's football!

This story of California football comes back to the key link - Sean Salisbury, USC alum and former Chargers quarterback. While we're all aware that the glory days of the Chargers ended when Sean Salisbury completed his tenure with the team, they must attempt to return to that high level of play. GM A.J. Smith, who has learned from the best at how to build an almost-Super Bowl-champion, must dig deep into the talent pool to find a new head coach. I recommend selecting one of the following candidates:

Jim Mora, Jr. - Knows how to get the most out of gifted quarterbacks.

Jim Mora, Sr. - Knows how to make it to the playoffs.

Mike Ditka - Would get LaDanian Tomlinson 5,000 yards per season. (But, Philip Rivers would only throw for 200 yards.

Kevin Gilbride - Has worked his magic once before in San Diego.

Rick Neuheisel - Once played for the Chargers.

Larry Coker - He's available.

I wonder if Marty Barrett knows he was Miller Lite Player of the Game?

2007-02-13T14:12:00.000-05:00

My very favorite sport is Baseball. And in honor of pitchers and catchers beginning to trickle into camp this week, I bring you one of my favorite videos ever, even if it's old. This is a remake of the 10th inning of game 6 of the 1986 World Series, but on RBI baseball for the NES. It was created by Conor Lastowka of National High Five Day fame. Expect a lot of baseball coverage here. Certainly more than last year when we were in our hiatus (finally a promise I can't fail to keep). We'll probably be doing some sort of seasonal previews. I can't tell you how those will work exactly, but I can guarantee 100% predictive accuracy.

Lesser Known Great Moments in Black History

2007-02-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

As many people know, February is Black History Month. American sport has a long history of being vaguely ahead of the curve, at least compared with the larger American society, in terms of race relations. From Jackie Robinson to the Rooney Rule, sports are full of inspiring stories and progressive thinking. They still have a long way to go, however. In light of that, I give you some African-American sports pioneers and other moments you may not be aware of:

April 26, 2003: Byron Leftwich is drafted 7th overall in the NFL draft by the Jacksonville Jaguars. Leftwich became starter in only his forth game with the Jags. Leftwich proved himself to be so slow, that not even the most dimwitted analyst ever tried to label him a "running quarterback". Leftwich was the first Black quarterback to to achieve this and is an inspiration to slow-footed African-American children nationwide.

April, 2004: The Anaheim Angels begin play in what would become a breakout year for Chone Figgins. Figgins (who was only 5'7" and stole bases instead of clogging up the basepaths dad-gummit) would play games that season at Second Base, Third Base, Shortstop and all three Outfield position, providing kind of decent defense at most of them. Analysts league wide praised his hustle, his scrappiness, his work ethic, and his ability to do the little things. Before Figgins, all of these were praises paid only to White players. Figgins's success allows us to dream of a Major League Baseball where Black players can be complemented on things other than their "natural talent", "athleticism", or "imposing presence".

February 4, 2007: For the first time ever, two Black head coaches face off in the Super Bowl. I can't believe no one made a big deal out of this!

June 21, 1998. Al Campanis is found to "not have some of the necessities to be, let's say, alive, or, perhaps, a person who is not dead." On the plus side, his new found buoyancy makes him a much better swimmer.

November 14, 2006: When discussing Ohio State's upcoming game against rival Michigan, Kirk Herbstreit says of OSU Quarterback Troy Smith, "he reminds me a lot of [current New Orleans Saints Quarterback] Drew Brees," marking one of the first times in history a Black player is directly compared to a White player. Smith's particular football skills and abilities had previously been compared only to those of current Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Mike Vick, Kansas City Chiefs Left Tackle Willie Roaf, and Dallas Maverick Point Guard Jason Terry.

And now you know.

Lame Meta Update

2007-02-12T11:53:00.000-05:00

We just switched over to new blogger, and I'm slowly going through our old posts and adding all the proper labels and such. Don't fret that only I and Pat Mac show up on the side as contributors everyone else will show up once they update their accounts. I'm sure one day we'll get TB's long awaited tennis post. In the mean time, enjoy all the hilarious information that you can get from the incomplete labeling process, such as Charles Dickens being about as important to this sports blog as Stuart Scott is, or that College Basketball remains the second most popular topic even though we have only written about it once in the past 10 months. Also, clicking on the meta label (or the MVA Standings, Voting, or Results labels) is a good way to go back to the early days of this site when we tried running a competition every week. Ahhh, the good old days. We should be back later today for a real post, and don't forget about the continuing serial novel, Colts 38-Patriots 34, whose next installment is due tomorrow.

The Week in Review

2007-02-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

The top events of the past week, as told by the people who know them best:

Peyton Manning Finally Wins Something
- Michael Irvin

Peyton Manning won his first Super Bowl and first championship in college and the NFL. While this is great, and much deserved, it doesn't erase Peyton's failure to win in college. Let's not forget that he lost the Heisman to Charles Woodson, and could not beat Florida. Before we crown him the king of football, let's see if he can do this again. It takes more than one ring to be a true champion. He hasn't come nowhere close to matching what the Dallas Cowboys did. No way. And before you put him in the Hall of Fame, try comparing his career to mine. I'm in the Hall of Fame, and I won more Super Bowls than Peyton Manning!

UNC Dominates Duke
- Stu Scott

My boys showed the Dukies who the true kings of Tobacco Road are. T-Hans-bro kept it real, and Brandan Wright was cool like the other side of the pillow in the face of the Cameron Crazies. UNC was droppin' it on Duke. Can I get a witness from the congregation?! It was great coming to work the next day. I made sure to get up in Jay Bilas' grill and let him know that UNC is the best team in North Carolina. I told him UNC is faster, taller, smarter, and better than Duke. But, he shot me down on two of those points, reminding me that he's got 6 inches on me and he graduated from Duke Law School. Oh well, I got my 'Stu Scott's Two-Way' in ESPN the Mag. Holla back.

John Amaechi Comes Out
- Stephen A. Smith

I don't really care that John Amaechi, or any other player in the NBA, is gay. It doesn't matter. What matters is whether you can ball or not. One mistake Amaechi did make was spending part of his career in Utah. That is a terrible place to live and play basketball. It's ridiculous that the NBA has a team in Utah. I've talked to David Stern about this. It's bad for the league. If John Amaechi had played in Philly, we'd be cool with it if he came out while he was playing. I talked to Allen Iverson. Allen told me straight up that he doesn't care about his teammates, other than whether they can get him the ball and help him win. He told me, "I don't even give a s--t about Melo. I just want him to help me get a ring on my finger." That's what it should be about. I'm Stephen A. Smith.

USC Suspected of Recruiting Violations
- Todd McShay

The NCAA is looking into a possible improper phone call made by Reggie Bush to top recruit Joe McKnight. It's against NCAA rules for former players to contact recruits. I obtained cell phone records from Reggie Bush, and I did notice some calls to McKnight's area code. But, USC probably didn't do anything wrong. They're USC. Joe McKnight is a top prospect. I like his size, speed, and agility; he didn't do anything wrong. Let him go to USC, set records, and become a top NFL draft pick. It's as simple as that. When you see McKnight driving around campus in an Escalade on the first day of class, don't ask questions.

Cowboys Hire Wade Phillips
- Sean Salisbury

The Dallas Cowboys hired Wade Phillips to replace the great Bill Parcells. Wade Phillips might not be as great as Parcells, but he's a solid coach and a winner. He can run the 3-4 defense better than anyone. With Jason Garrett working with Tony Romo, the offense will explode. Jason Garrett was a great quarterback, just like me. He will get Romo to play smarter and throw the ball more accurately. I respect Wade Phillips. He's taken teams to the playoffs before. He knows how to get it done. That's what football is all about - making it to the playoffs. If Tony Romo's completion percentage next season is at least 65%, you'll see the Cowboys in the Super Bowl, guaranteed.

Barbaro Dies
- Stephen A. Smith

You want me to talk about a horse?! That's ridiculous! Show me tape of Barbaro shooting the rock, then we'll talk. Terrible.

Tale of the tape: Anna Nicole v. Barbaro

2007-02-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

Two figures who have had an immeasurable impact on my life passed away within the last couple of weeks: Anna Nicole Smith and Barbaro. But which one is better? A mere count of centerfold shots or message board posts (even message board posts not promising free V1@R G A) does not suffice to to answer the question. Instead we need a full analysis over many separate criteria.

Height/Weight:
Anna Nicole Smith: 5'11", 140lbs.
Barbaro: No amount of Trim-spa is getting Barbaro down to 140.
Advantage: Barbaro.

Cup size:
Anna Nicole Smith: 38DD
Barbaro: Indeterminate
ADDvantage: Anna Nicole.

Career Earnings:
Barbaro: $2,303,200
Anna Nicole Smith: As much as 1.6 Billion. (Pending)
Advantage: Incomplete.

Awards/Honors:
Barbaro: 2006 Kentucky Derby winner
Anna Nicole Smith: Playmate of the Year 1993
Advantage: Anna Nicole. Come on, no one watches horse racing.

Supreme Court Appearances:
Barbaro: None
Anna Nicole Smith: 1
Advantage: Barbaro. No chance of seeing Scalia's man boobs.

Horses Ravished:
Anna Nicole Smith: I'm assuming none, and God help me if I'm wrong.
Barbaro: Sucks to die before your stud phase.
Advantage: Anna Nicole. Barbaro actually wanted some horse-on-horse loving.

Number of Times Jerked off too:
Anna Nicole Smith: Probably Billions.
Barbaro: Probably Billions.
Advantage: Push.

Well there you go, Anna Nicole takes it 3-2 in a undeniably scientific study. Just proof that tits trump hooves. Of course, in real life they're both winners. Now they're in heaven and Barbaro can motorboat Anna Nicole Smith for eternity.

Rickey'll make em pay

2007-02-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

A review of National Signing Day by Rickey Henderson:

Rickey was watching the ESPN yesterday and Rickey didn't like what he saw. Colleges were signing players to play football or some such nonsense. They're a bunch of fools. Nobody even tried to sign Rickey.

Rickey is available. Rickey has been playing ball for years. If you think Rickey can't play football you've got something else coming to you. Rickey ran a 4.42 forty last year in between the games of a Nashua Pride doubleheader. Rickey can play Running Back, Wide Receiver, Corner Back, hell Rickey can play anywhere. Except kicker. Rickey ain't no punk ass bitch.

The ESPN says USC had the top signing class, that ain't right. Scouts Inc. says USC had the top signing class, that still ain't right. USA Today says Florida had the top signing class, that ain't right. No one's had the top signing class yet. That's cause no one's signed Rickey. Colleges listen up, Rickey is ready to play. The best way to get in contact with Rickey is through his agent. Currently Rickey is on the road with a 35+ mens traveling softball team. Rickey always cleans up in the beer inning. But if you want Rickey to come to your school he'll drop that team like a bunt down the third base line.

Rickey has the skills, check this out. Rickey is 5'10" and 195. Rickey is ripped. Whenever Rickey looks in the mirror Rickey says "Rickey's the best! You tha man, Rickey!" Rickey has a lot of Stolen Bases, that means he's fast. Rickey is used to wearing helmets because he wore them for baseball too.

If no college signs Rickey, I will begin playing in the Arena Football League. You want Rickey, whatever team gets Rickey gets to watch him make everyone else pay. I am the greatest.

A as in Atheist

2007-02-07T11:25:00.001-05:00

I just saw this over at Deadspin. This isn't a politics blog. But when when your political position is so whacko and reactionary that debating it with Stephen A. Smith makes him seem like the normal one, you've got problems. Religious Right, keep this up and someone is going to take you out back and give you the infected Barbaro treatment.

My two favorite lines from the video (although almost every line is a classic):

Short Blonde Woman: I really believe that [atheists] are the intolerant ones against Christians. (Remember, this is during a debate on atheism where all three debaters are religious and say that they think atheists are wrong.)

Angry Black Woman: We're going to take "In God we trust" off the money? What's next? (Oh the indignity! How will we explain this microscopic alteration to the Children?!)

Also, Angry Black Woman, are you really advocating that minority groups should be forced to shut up when the majority doesn't want to listen to them? Really Angry BLACK WOMAN?

Colts 38-Patriots 34, Part III

2007-02-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

A recap of the AFC championship game in the style of Charles Dickens:
Part II can be found here.

Young Peyton had a very important decision to make. There now came a time in his life, as often comes similar times in other people's lives, (including people with lives similar to Young Peyton as well as people with lives wholly dissimilar to Young Peyton) that he was faced with a decision to make that would alter all the future outcomes of his life. He needed to decide where to play football in college. The peculiar problem facing Young Peyton in making this decision was that he felt that his outcomes would not be altered no matter what he chose.

Young Peyton was truly a rare prodigy. As precocious in football as Daniel had been at giant slaying, Young Peyton knew that the only thing limiting his future was his ability to wish it. For anything that his mind could conjure would be his. His choice was still necessary, though, and while Peyton did not fear failure at any of his stops, he did not take with a light heart the inevitable pain he would cause those among the academies, and the people attached to those academies, he did not choose. Included among those attached people was Peyton's father, Archie.

Archie had been with Peyton from the very beginning; starting in that hot hospital room on that hot New Orleans morning. Archie had given Peyton his start in football. And that start had rolled on and rolled on. Peyton was now trying to turn that start into a new start. But he would never have gotten his first start without Archie. Peyton and Archie both knew this well and that knowledge was coloring their behavior.

Archie had played football in college at Ole Miss. Secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, he desired his son to follow him there. Peyton was not so sure. He had always tried to honor his father's wishes, but sometimes there were just too many snap drills, too many agility drills, too many accuracy drills. Peyton wanted to defy his father. But it was a fine line upon which to tread for Peyton still wished to continue his football. What to do? That question was reverberating throughout his mind as he went to his ice box to get a creamsicle.

End of Part III

Check back every Tuesday for continuing installments of Charles Dickens's recap of the AFC championship game. The first installment can be found here.

Bold Prediction: Salisbury Will Be Wrong

2007-02-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

Let's look back on this great Super Bowl prediction:

Sean Salisbury (2/3/07): "If Devin Hester takes one to the house, I guarantee the Bears win the Super Bowl."

2/4/07: Devin Hester returns the opening kickoff for a touchdown. The Colts win the Super Bowl.

Put in Orton

2007-02-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

Written in the style of Neil O'Donnell:

I told you playing quarterback in the Super Bowl is hard. Rex Grossman, I love you and salute your courage.

Brian Urlacher's Super Bowl Journal

2007-02-03T00:40:00.000-05:00

In the style of Brian Urlacher's NFL Players.com journal....

Goin' to Miami
1/28/2007

I love that Will Smith song! We were blasting it in the lockerroom after we beat New Orleans. That was awesome. That totally jacked me up and made me want to hit someone. Luckily, Brian Griese was nearby, so I jokingly slammed him into a locker. It was pretty funny. Rexy and the guys were all laughing it up. Then Coach Smith came in and told me to stop.

We arrived in Miami today. I'm so glad we have our own private plane. It has a big Bears logo on the outside, and tons of food inside. I have to eat a lot. Coach Smith told me to gain some weight, so I can look more like Mike Singletary. Even though Singletary is now a coach and it doesn't matter how much he weighs, I guess Coach Smith has so much respect for him, it's his way of continuing the great Bears tradition. I can totally understand.

Practice Sucks
1/29/2007

Man, I thought I'd have time to hang out on South Beach. But, it's the Super Bowl and we gotta work hard. We have to stay level headed. I'm excited to be in this game. It's exciting. It's the Super Bowl, but we have to stay calm. Just like Coach Smith. I'm glad we have the opportunity to play the Colts. Peyton Manning is a great player. That's what Coach told me to keep saying this week.

But having to practice is tough. When all you want to do is party and drink... oops, I guess I shouldn't say that on an NFL website. I guess Roger Goodell is going to fine me now. That's okay; I'm rich.

Media Day Sucks
1/30/2007

I don't like media day. I'd rather put on the pads and hit people. I don't like to talk. I just say what I need to say, no more, no less. But by the end, I really just want to hit someone. So, when Jay Mariotti asked me this question about the ghost of George Halas, it made me mad, so I planted him into the ground. It was a good, clean hit. Mike Wilbon was laughing. It was fun. Media Day is great.

Back to Work
1/31/2007

Today Coach made us do special team drills. I got carried away on one play, and accidentally hit Robbie Gould, our kicker. I hit him pretty hard. He got mad at me. Coach Smith made me run laps. Running is tough because you keep going, but don't get to hit anything. It's not like sprinting to the line and meeting the runningback head-on.

After practice, some of the guys headed out to the club. Everyone was there. Paris Hilton was there. I used to date her. She just ignored me. That's fine; I drive a sweet car. I also saw Eli Manning there. He was hanging out with some college girls. Michael Vick was there. He had this water bottle. I guess he wants to make sure he's not dehydrated. That's something that Coach warns us about. Chad Johnson was there. He drives the coolest rides. Ray Lewis was there. He was wearing a fur coat. That was weird because it was so warm out. But, he wasn't getting into trouble, like assisting in a crime. That's what Coach told us before we came down; he said not to get arrested for conspiracy to commit murder. That's good advice. Coach Smith is a great coach. Just like Coach Dungy. (I'm supposed to say that, too.)

Almost Time
2/1/2007

The Super Bowl is almost here. I can't wait. This is the biggest game of my life. This is great. I just want to finish by saying I totally respect Tony Dungy, Peyton Manning, the city of Indianapolis, the Indiana Hoosiers, the Indiana Pacers, the Indy 500, and David Letterman.

Et tu hind foot abscess? Then fall Barbaro!

2007-02-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

It took us a few days to collect all these, but we were able to get some reactions among the sports pundits to the untimely passing of America's greatest champion. (Apologies to Pat Mac for brutally stealing his format)

First thoughts:

Skip Bayless:
All of you people are idiots. This was just a horse.

Jay Mariotti:
I have loved Barbaro since the very first time I heard about him. This is tragic.

Dick Vitale:
Barbaro Baby, he's one of the best guys in the game. Reminds me of Tom Izzo, what a class act hes is. The boosters love him, the kids love him, the school loves him. He's just like Coach K. One of the best guys in the game. You always have to respect the Dukies, go Duke. Roy Williams, Serena Williams, Venus Williams, This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Duke is number one Baby. Just like Jimmy V.

Stephen A Smith:
I know what it feels like to be the owner of Barbaro or one of his millions of fans today. I recently suffered a loss too. When Quite Frankly was cancelled, the nation wept like they were all punk ass bitches. Infections are terrible, euthanasia is terrible. However, you gotta do what you gotta do and, quite frankly, that's good enough for me.

Michael Kay:
Barbaro was never a true Yankee. He could never adjust to the pressures of performing in New York. So he faked an injury to avoid the Belmont stakes. Some people just don't have what it takes to play like true champions.

Bill Plashke:
In the hospital.

Lo, what light on yonder meadow breaks?

In the rest of the world, the passing of a noble steed reminds us of the thin film of ether and smoke, the only barrier between existence and death.

In the hospital, there was no doctor who was able to fan the fire of life long enough to create such a layer of smoke as to be impassible.

In the rest of the world, people wept. But I come here to praise Barbaro not to bury him. For 'tis nobler to race for a day and die than to deny your racingness and live for eternity. Ned Coletti knows this. Paul DePodesta did not. And thus he suffered the slings and arrows he so richly deserved.

I am right.

Time Travel Edition:

Skip Bayless 8 minutes from now:
This is the greatest tragedy in human history. Anyone who says this is "just a horse" is an idiot.

Jay Mariotti 6 months ago:
Who really cares about Barbaro breaking his leg. I've been sick of this horse since I first heard about him. I am completely indifferent to the outcome of his life.

Jay Mariotti 5 months ago:
I hope someone kills Barbaro and puts him out of his misery.

Jay Mariotti 4 months ago:
Anyone calling for euthanasia for Barbaro should be ashamed of themselves. Would you euthanize your grandmother just because she broke her leg? Also, Ozzie Guillen is a total fag.

Huge douche bag edition:

Chris Berman:
The Barbaro "Of Seville" has gone up to that big Frozen Tundra of Lambeau field in the sky. That reminds me, I, Chris Berman, really like the Bills and I used to get to hang out with them. I, Chris Berman, am totally awesome. Aren't you jealous of me, Chris Berman. You should be, the Schwam says so.

Stu Scott:
Barbaro's lifeless body is as cool as the other side of the pillow. Hugs and hand pounds brotha.

Colin Cowherd:
Barbaro is just like sex with a stripper. You know what I mean right?

Colts 38-Patriots 34, Part II

2007-01-30T17:39:00.000-05:00

A recap of the AFC championship game in the style of Charles Dickens:
Part I can be found here.

It will trouble me greatly to give you the accounts of the events I intend to deliver for I am not clever. I have known myself not to be clever for a very long time. When I was but a mere boy I would find comfort in a football and a tire in my backyard. Back there (and back then, for my existence today is far more crowded that it was then) I could be alone. My friends were the ball and the tire and the hole in that tire. I was used to being alone and in the days of the ball and tire knew of no other condition. You see, I was of questioned birth (or so I am told since I, quite expectedly, do not remember my own birth, having been so young) and the subject of shame. The shame was for my mother, same as I.

The mother I grew up with, in Mateo Moor, was not my real mother-and o how I hated calling her "mother". In truth, I did not know exactly who it was this "mother" that fed me and clothed me and did my lessons. Perhaps it was, indeed, my real mother. But “mother’s” adamant denials lead me to believe her pleas of disowning. The name “mother” gave to me (at least I thought it was “mother” that gave it to me; she certainly called me by it) was Tom Brady. I knew not if this name is one I earned through lineage or one designed to hide that lineage. All I knew is that this is what people have called me all of my life, from womb to coffin.

Not long after my memories begin, I can recall the presence of a man talking to “mother” in our parlor. I was preparing to do the window washing having just finished the wood chopping. While “mother” was always dressed modestly, (I add this detail now based on memory. At the time I had no idea what it was to dress modestly. I was dressed even more modestly than “mother”!) the man she conversed with dressed in a manner most peculiar. My young mind, and its distinct lack of cleverness, found the man’s garments more appropriate for a street urchin. His pants were loose in the legs and required no belt to secure them to his waist. His shirt was a marvel to my young eyes; the shirt had a hood! And where there were once sleeves there were instead frayed edges. The edges were shorn so straight that I could tell it was no accident. The man chose to look this way! I realize now, not upon any cleverness gained in the interim but upon my increased familiarity with this man, (which I will explain when the time is right) that these clothes were made of cotton. Cotton was a rare and expensive textile from the American Continent. Less scratchy and bulky than wool but with all of the warmth. I should have realized that the man was important.

“Is this the boy?” said the man.

“It is,” said “mother”, “but he is still small. I still wish to keep him here to help with the washing and the water carrying until he is of full health and mind.”

“He is of no use to me now,” said the man. “I shall return again to check on his progress.”

The man left without “mother” offering him any tea or other redress for his distinguished visit. I asked “mother” for an explanation, and the identity of the man, but she offered none and turned a deaf ear to my remonstrations.

As the years went by in Mateo Moor I saw this man several more times. Always briefly talking to “mother” and always, it seemed, at the end of a discussion where I had been the main topic. And always wearing the same hooded shirt with the frayed sleeves. Each time I saw the man I became more and more curious what it was he wanted with me and where it was he would take me. I, for my part, did become of full health as “mother” had predicted. The wood chopping and field plowing saw to that. I did not, in my estimation, ever become of full mind as she had promised. I suffered from a distinct lack of cleverness that, as I mentioned earlier, proceeds with me until this day. Eventually, the time came where “mother” could no longer adequately protest my readiness.

The man, still dressed in his strange cotton costume, walked up to me and addressed me with surprising friendliness, “Tom, it is time for us to go. I will take good care of you and you will learn to be a gentleman.”

I was unsure of what he proposed, but this would have been true of any person in my position. No amount of cleverness could have prepared me for what was to come next.

End of Part II

Check back every Tuesday for continuing installments of Charles Dickens's recap of the AFC championship game. The first installment can be found here.

In Defense of Sean Salisbury

2007-01-25T00:28:00.000-05:00

Wait, what? Who wrote that title? I'm sort of a day late on this, but the story is just bizarre and it involves Sean Salisbury so I couldn't resist. In case you haven't heard, Sean Salisbury may or may not have made a weird racial slur.

Sean-boy was on NFL live earlier in the week talking with Trey Wingo about the AFC championship game. Specifically he was discussing Peyton Manning's performance and leadership. Here's the quote "I saw a calmness about him... and he said, 'No need to panic. We'll nip. We'll tuck. We'll go. We'll crunch. We'll Jew. We'll do it all,' and they nickel and dimed them and Peyton made the play when it mattered." You can find the audio here at deadspin via Pro Football Talk.

ESPN responded to the questions (via Randball) by saying Salisbury meant to say "chew". There are two problems with this explanation. If you listen to the audio, he's definitely saying "jew" and not "chew". "Chew" also makes no sense. ESPN says its chew like "chew the clock". But, "Don't worry about being behind by so much my good teammates, I'm going to take as much time as I possibly can to get this next touchdown," is such a dumb idea that not even Sean Salisbury would say it on purpose. Of course, Jew doesn't make sense in any sort of context either. The Jew stereotype is centered around being greedy and killing Christ. Tom Brady notwithstanding, neither of those things have much relevance to this particular football game. The only thing keeping it alive at all is the "nickel and dimed" portion of the next line.

I'll probably never say this again, but I don't think Sean Salisbury did anything wrong. Connecting Jew to nickel and dimed is too tenuous for someone of Salisbury's limited capacities to do off the cuff. Salisbury isn't that gifted an orator. He was even the dumb one when he was doing BattleBots. Listen earlier in his speech, he got bared and reared confused so he says them both about 400 times. He's just a dummy who mumbles and stammers and throws out the occasional fake word and nonsense syllable. Unfortunately for him, this time that fake word was actually a real word. He maybe even meant to say chew, but at the last second his brain realized how dumb it was so he tried to stop, or change it to something else (juke maybe?) and ended up saying Jew. It's cool Sean, I have you back on this one. Who knows, you might even be Jewish, if only there was a good way to get some sort of clue about that...

Sounds of the NFL

2007-01-24T14:12:00.000-05:00

In the style of each respective commentator/analyst:

The NFL offseason is the time for playoffs, coaching changes, and draft speculation. Here's some insiders' thoughts on these issues.

On the playoffs:

Mike Ditka - "People who say Marty Schottenheimer isn't a good coach because he didn't win a Super Bowl are full of crap! I coached in Chicago for... you don't play the game to win championships; you play because you love the game. Listen, you can have a good team... Bill Belichick is a good coach. I think Marty should definitely be in the Hall of Fame."

Sean Salisbury - "When I think about Tony Romo, I think of a good quarterback who got worse. This is embarassing. Terrell Owens is not a dominant receiver any more. The Seahawks outplayed the Cowboys. Look, to win in the playoffs you need a great quarterback. Tony Romo is going to have to prove he's a great one by coming back next year and leading Dallas to the Super Bowl. If he doesn't, then he's a loser."

"Hey Marino, I lost 35 pounds on your Nutrisystems diet!!"

Tom Jackson - "Who does T.O. play for? Dallas. Who just lost, again? Dallas. I see a link."

Michael Irvin - "Why does everyone always blame T.O.?! If the quarterback can't get him the ball, then how can he score? Why not get it in his hands more often. If T.O. had been the holder on that field goal, he would've caught it without any trouble. You give the ball to your best players to make plays, and not letting T.O. hold for field goals is ridiculous!"

Qadry Ismail - "If Steve McNair can't step up and score some points against the Colts, then he's done. See ya. Holla!

Ron Jaworski - In studying film this week, I found many weaknesses in the Saints' execution of the screen pass to Reggie Bush on second down when there were 7 yards or more to go for a first down. Drew Brees' 48.63% completion rate in this situation is below the league average, which I've manually calculated. This tells me that New Orleans won't be able to move the ball, and as a result, will lose to Chicago.

Dennis Green (on the Chicago Bears) - "They are who we thought they were! If you want to crown their a--, then go ahead and crown them! They're going to the Super Bowl, d--- it!"

On the draft:

Chris Berman - "JaMarcus Russell just declared for the NFL Draft. Oh, and word out of Oakland is that the Raiders have just selected JaMarcus Russell with the first pick."

Mel Kiper - "The best player in the 2007 Draft is Joe Thomas, an offensive tackle from Wisconsin. If you don't have an offensive line, you can't throw the ball, you can't run the ball, you can't win. I would take Thomas with my pick. You don't take a quarterback with the top pick, because they fail. Even though I consistently rate quarterbacks at the top of my board, I would wait until the second round. Look at the recent failure at the quarterback position - Philip Rivers, Matt Leinart, Vince Young."

Charlie Casserly - "I took a poll this week of GMs around the league, and 19 rated JaMarcus Russell over Brady Quinn, with only 8 rating Quinn as the better prospect. Five refused to take my poll because they questioned my credibility, and sarcastically congratulated me on my decision to pass on Reggie Bush in last year's draft."

On coaching changes:

Chris Mortensen - "The Steelers have told me that they will hire Mike Tomlin as their next head coach. This confirms the rumor I reported earlier. What's funny about this situation is that Mike Tomlin doesn't know yet that he's been offered the position. I realize this doesn't make sense, but teams usually tell me first, even before informing the people actually involved. So, Mike Tomlin, if you're watching ESPN right now, you're going to be the next head coach of the Steelers!"

Colts 38-Patriots 34, Part I

2007-01-23T23:30:00.000-05:00

A recap of the AFC championship game in the style of Charles Dickens:

The heat was heavy in the New Orleans and everyone and everything was hot. The trees were hot; the streetlights were hot; the buildings were hot; the calendar reading "March 24, 1976" was hot. The police station was hot; the police officers were hot; the criminals were hot; the jail was hot; the jailers were hot. The roads were hot; the road workers were hot. Bourbon Street was hot; the French Quarter was hot; an incomprehensible number of orphans were hot. The post office was hot; the mailboxes were hot; the letters and letter carriers were hot. The hospital was hot; the doctors were hot; the rooms were hot; the nurses were hot; the beds were hot; the patients were hot; Archie Manning was hot; Olivia Manning's dilated birth canal was hot; a newborn, and placenta covered, Peyton Manning was hot. Young Peyton was crying.

Young Peyton had the good sense not to have been born an orphan. While many children are orphans, (and all of those orphans possess an extremely strong character, an indomitable spirit, and an uncanny knack for being at the center of any meaningful event) Peyton was the exact opposite. At this time he had a mother a father and a brother; soon he would have another brother. His father loved him and cared for him. His mother cared for him and loved him. His brothers battled him, at the beckon of their father, on the football field an a magnificent display of athleticism and manliness. His family brought him everywhere and, once he was large enough to bring himself those places, his family followed him everywhere. Peyton Manning was not an orphan. No one could legitimately think it so.

Peyton usually defeated his brothers in those football games. Peyton was a prodigy and a virtuoso and an exceptional talent. While older brother Cooper sometimes posed a challenge, being older, taller, and stronger during youth, younger brother Eli never did, for he was younger, weaker, and had been exposed to alcohol while still in the womb. As so often is the case for victors, life was carefree; Peyton was full of joy and romped in his backyard and that of his neighbor Trent Reznor. Peyton would laugh at the moon and sing at the stars. He would ask endless questions of every chimney-sweep and beadle that made his way by Manning Acre.

When making his way though high school (still not as an orphan), Peyton was able to again compete with his brother Cooper, but this time on the same team. Peyton went onto the next level to play football at the University of Tennessee. Only the fates knew what lay ahead of him.

End of Part I

Check back each Tuesday for new installments of Charles Dickens's recap of the AFC Championship game.

This Playoff Win Was Rod-diculous!

2007-01-16T18:40:00.000-05:00

In the style of this AP article, had Alex Rodriguez been the Quarterback:

Resourceful Patriots Able to Overcome A-Rod's Sour Performance

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. The New England Patriots refused to quit this Sunday, repeatedly creating new chances for themselves to win even with quarterback Alex Rodriguez squandering them nearly as quickly. But, in a game where the Patriots were playing against a team with an untested quarterback (Charger quarterback and first-year-starter Phillip Rivers) and a coach with his own history of post season troubles (Charger head coach Marty Schottenheimer) Rodriguez played just well enough to not lose.

Rodriguez has yet to win a Super Bowl and his performance on Sunday reminded us why. Nevertheless, he may get his shot this year as the Patriots advanced to the AFC Championship game after defeating the host San Diego Chargers 24-21.

New England was able to overcome three Rodriguez interceptions and score 11 points in less than 4 minutes late in the fourth quarter. Even Rodriguez himself was aware of his poor play saying, "I said to [Patriots linebacker] Derek [Jeter], 'Man, that was not easy.'" Jeter had been an integral part of the 2001, 2003 and 2004 Patriot Super Bowl Champion teams. Rodriguez arrived before the beginning of the 2005 season with a huge contract and high expectations, but has yet to win a Super Bowl despite stellar numbers in the regular season.

In addition to his three interceptions, Rodriguez had several other passes nearly picked off. San Diego cornerback Antonio Cromartie dropped one in the fourth quarter that would have been a crushing blow to the Patriots chances. Rodriguez also fumbled during the third quarter while driving in Charger territory. Rodriguez was saved from this error when Charger Defensive Back Drayton Florence committed a foolish personal foul on the same play giving the Patriots a first down, and new life. Rodriguez responded to this opportunity by underthrowing his wide open tight end Ben Watson on what would have been a sure touchdown. The Patriots were forced to settle for a field goal.

Rodriguez finished with 280 yards passing but needed 51 passing attempts to get there. Of those, he completed a meager 27, barely 50%. He also had the aforementioned three interceptions and one fumble. Rodriguez's passer rating for the afternoon was a mediocre 57.6.

Support for Rodriguez was hard to come by in the Patriot locker room after the game. Jeter, a team leader and possessor of large, supple intangibles had nothing to say. Many reporters, analysts, and commentators immediately surmised that the silence was evidence of a widespread hatred of Rodriguez throughout the Patriot locker room, the NFL, the entire sporting world, and all of North America. While some may decry this rush to judgment, it should be noted that, one time, two years ago, Jeter said something nice about a completely different player when that player had a tough game.

Rodriguez, historically, has had trouble when the pressure is on. This is his second poor performance in his last three playoff games. Last year, in the Divisional Playoffs against the Denver Broncos, Rodriguez had similar problems, throwing two interceptions, including a second-half back breaker to Bronco corner back Champ Bailey when New England was on the Denver goal line and looking to tie the score. Instead, Baily returned the interception to the 1 yard line and Denver punched it in for a touchdown on the next play. The Patriots never challenged again. The only difference between that game and this one was that Denver took advantage of the opportunities Rodriguez gave them while San Diego seemed unwilling to do so.

Rodriguez and the Patriots will head to Indianapolis next week and try to defeat a Colts, team that has had their number in recent contests. The Patriots have lost their last two games against the Colts, both in New England, including a game this year where Rodriguez threw four interceptions in an otherwise closely contested game. New England fans have to hope that Rodriguez can shake off these recent poor performances and do enough to win next week.

Game Notes: In the game Jeter broke the record for most playoff games started while having a steely glare and ice in his veins. The old record holder was Brett Favre (Packers), who is still the all-time leader in most playoff games started where "he has so much fun, he just looks like a kid out there." Ex-Patriot quarter back Tom Brady received happy news from the NFL DNA clinic. His sample matched the previously tested sample and he will be reunited with his estranged brother Yao Ming (Rockets) as soon as possible. Swagger wins Championships.

I Told You So

2007-01-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

The "Style" of Merril Hoge:

Vince Young has proven that the Titans made a mistake drafting him second. We have all the evidence we need to convict him. The Titans barely managed to play 3 games over .500 when they started Vince Young. It's no mystery why. Everyone knows that you win games in the National Football League by running the ball and stopping the run. Vince Young has zero tackles, and zero tackles for loss. And, unsuprisingly, in no game that Vince Young started at defensive tackle did the Titans give up fewer than 10,000,000 rushing yards. He also got 0 rushing yards when he started at running back. This proves that he can't run or stop the run. Some people are going to try and say that his rushes from the QB position should count, but they are just evidence of his failure. The job of the QB is not to run. If he's running it must be because the play is broken. This is always the fault of the quarterback. The more rushing yards Vince Young has the worse a quarterback he must be.

Some other Young apologists have been trying to point out that Vince Young has done a fantastic job of winning games. This is a stupid argument. The point of football is not to win games, it's to run the football and stop the run. But even using this faulty "win games" logic, Vince Young has been a failure. In the last two weeks, that would be the first two weeks of playoffs where the games really matter, Vince Young and the Titans have zero wins. They also had zero wins in weeks 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 17 combined. That does not sound like a winner to me. I've been saying Vince Young stinks since he was drafted, and I've been right the whole time.

This is just one of my numerous excellent projections. A few weeks ago I predicted that Sean Salisbury would never be suspended from ESPN for showing people pictures of his penis, and I don't think that's ever happened. In November I appeared on Fox News and correctly predicted a permanent Republican majority, the Republicans won every race which they did not lose. In 1995, I predicted that the New York Yankees would never win another World Series and in 2001 I predicted they'd win every future World Series.

I'm going to share my gift and actually help humanity instead of just being a jerk who sucks like Vince Young. Here are some things that I guarantee will happen in 2007. The Toronto Argonauts will definitely win the Super Bowl. The television show 24 will only cover the first 22 hours of the day. I just have a gut feeling about that one. Slavery will be abolished. If you can run the football and stop the run, you will win games in the National Football League. It will be a leap year. Vince Young will be a fart-head who poops his pants. My hair will be a uniform color. Sean Salisbury will utter a logical and informative sentence. Both Tom Brady and Derek Jeter will receive honest assessments of their relative talents without the commentator resorting to supernatural claims of intangible superiority to bolster that talent level.

Vince Young sucks.

And The Answer is... Nugget

2006-12-22T23:55:00.000-05:00

(in the style of Stephen A. Smith)

Let's get one thing straight: Allen Iverson did not demand that he be traded from the Philadelphia 76ers. I did.

That's right, I requested that the Sixers trade Iverson. The losing had become unbearable. And if Allen wasn't going to demand a trade, I had to do it for him. I had discussions with Sixers' GM Billy King, in which I told him that either they change their style of play, or Iverson must be allowed to move on. It was difficult for me to make this decision, having been a Sixers and Iverson fan since he came to the NBA. I love the City of Brotherly Love and Sixers basketball. Philly is the greatest city to play basketball in, and Allen Iverson is the best player in the league.

However, this season was different. It was terrible! I couldn't stand to fly in my private jet from New York to Philly to watch the Sixers. So, I called Billy King. I told him that Allen Iverson doesn't deserve to play on such a horrible team. I put together a list of teams to which I would recommend a trade. Larry Brown, who's serving as a consultant to the Sixers, also helped. I respect Larry Brown. I supported him with the Knicks.

In fact, I liked how Denver coach George Karl, a friend of Larry Brown, walked off the court after that disgraceful game against the Knicks, without shaking Isiah Thomas' hand. I would've done the same thing. I'd even take it further by sticking a basketball up Isiah's you-know-what. And I wouldn't use a leather ball; I'd use one of the new synthetic ones so it would hurt more. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks are a disgrace to the NBA. Someone tell them to stop playing basketball!

I was so impressed by George Karl that I decided that Allen Iverson should play in Denver. Teaming him with Carmelo Anthony would create the best duo since Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen. Finally, Iverson would get to play with someone who matches his caliber of ballin'. Get ready to raise the championship banner in D-town!

I sat down with Allen on my show recently, and we discussed the trade. He thanked me for orchestrating the deal and for helping him get to Denver. Let me be clear, Allen Iverson wanted to stay in Philadelphia. He loved the city. He loved the fans. But, it's not right for such a great player to be on such a horrible team. It was almost as horrible as the New York Knicks.

So, given this, the heat is now on Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. The second best player in the NBA now must face a new challenge in the Western Conference. But, I have some bad news for Kobe and the Lakers: you'll never win another championship. It just won't happen; not with Allen Iverson and Melo teaming up in Denver.

The only team with a chance to beat the Nuggets will be the 76ers. That's right, the team that will have Larry Brown coaching them again and three young stars that they'll get in the 2007 draft. Also, I will be a consultant to the Sixers and will be helping them selected the next generation of basketball talent.

Let's get something straight: Allen Iverson is by far the best player in the NBA. The Denver Nuggets are now the best team in the NBA. Quite frankly, the New York Knicks are the worst team in all of sports. Isiah Thomas is the worst coach... ever. If I saw him in person, I would tell him he's terrible! Then, I would punch him.

The NBA will be won this year in the Western Conference. The East need not show up. Stay home, Shaq. Sit down, Starbury. Don't think about it, D-Wade. No one will match Denver, LA, Dallas, or San Antonio. This is why the NBA is great. You know which four teams will be contending for a championship. Who cares about the other teams?!

I'm Steven A. Smith. It's my house, but you're welcome anytime.

I Don't want to Hook up with Jemele

2006-12-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

I've held off on judgment Jemele Hill, the newest writer for the clusterfuck that is ESPN Page 2. She made an awful opening effort (check out here if you missed it). Since then, however, she's been a decent opinion columnist, which in the world of Page 2 makes her stand out like John Rocker at a Talib Kweli concert. Her pieces are concise and internally consistent if not particularly daring or insightful. She's new to writing for a national audience, though, and a misunderstanding of "daring" is what leads to morons like Skip Bayless so those are minor quibbles. But her last piece is, in the words of the incomperable Stephen A. Smith, terrible.

The Hook Up. It starts off bad and gets worse. Apparently, David Stern has been lauded in all circles for switching back to the leather ball. The only article I've seen with that kind of editorial actually said Stern didn't really deserve any credit. But I'm probably to busy reading underground websites to get the real story so I'll give Jemele the benefit of the doubt. And hey, at least she called it "the basketball" instead of "Orange Roundie". Baby steps Page 2. Next she brings up the straw man about how the players weren't asked how they liked the new ball. I've got news for you, unless the NBA collective bargaining agreement says that the NBAPA has to be consulted on matters concerning equipment(and maybe it does, but I doubt it) then tough titties. If my job decided to switch from using Dell PCs to Macs then I have to start using the Mac. Even if I hate it and I think its hard to type because the keyboard is laid out slightly differently, even if I really want to have a right click button, I still have to change. It would be nice for my boss to ask me but she certainly has no obligation, especially if we have more than 400 employees in more than 30 different regional offices.

Hill segues from describing free pass the media gives Stern to describing how lots of people get "the hook up", which basically means certain people have a get-out-of-criticism free card from their employers and "in extreme cases" the public at large. Other people could describe such things as "the benefit of the doubt" or "street cred" but of course that wouldn't have the negative connotation that Hill is looking for. Hill goes on to mention a bunch of people who have "the hook up." I'll get to that list in a second. The main problem I see with the article is that Hill does nothing to try and address how these people got "the hook up" in the first place. In Stern's case, most of his latitude with the press has come from the fact that he has led the NBA from near bankruptcy into a worldwide powerhouse. People trust that he's doing a good job even if they don't immediately understand it. This may be right or wrong, but people are willing to see how his decisions play out. He has established a reputation. There are probably a bunch of other reasons, and certainly different people will earn the benefit of the doubt in different ways, but keep that one, reputation, in mind as we go through the list. Here goes.

1. Brett Favre. Well, no argument there really. Again though, how much of this is just street cred/reputation he earned a long time ago for taking a historically loved franchise back to the Super Bowl and playing spectacularly while doing so? Favre is "a good quarterback" he just isn't at his peak anymore. Just like Robert DiNero was "a good actor" 5 minutes after the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie came out. Hill is right to the extent that the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie sucked and so does Brett Favre circa 2005 so we shouldn't pretend those things aren't true.

2. David Stern. Already covered. Reputation. But now here's where it starts to get crazy.

3. Shaquille O'neal. Huh? Hill focuses on one time when he made some lame Chinese impression and no one over-reacted. I barely remember that happening (I guess that proves her point) but I do know that Shaq is a big goof ball. I also know that he's a great basketball player, he donates huge amounts of time and money to many different charities and is well liked by players, coaches, and more or less everyone who interacts with him. Hill presents the fact that, perhaps, some reporters considered the whole picture (i.e. his reputation) instead of pretending that saying "Wing Chang Chong" automatically equals worse than Hitler as a negative, which is itself a window into the Salvador Dali world where sports writers live.

4. Roger Clemens. Spend some time in Boston, Jemele, or just read any number of articles by your co-worker Bill Simmons in which he calls Clemens the anti-christ.

5. Ray Lewis. You should read more of those underground websites that ESPN forbids. The only ones playing make-believe with this guy are the major sports programmers.

6. USC. Hey, whatever happened to taking less than 6 months to come up with a lame one-liner?

7. Tom Brady. Well maybe. Time for one of my pet theories. Tom Brady is the Derek Jeter of football. Both won multiple championships at a young age. Both were immediately tagged with the "Masters of the Intangibles" labels. In doing so, the fact that each is an objectively great player at tangible things like the rates at which they succeed at getting on base or complete passes is cast by the wayside. Instead we hear talk of their steely glares, hard-nosed leadership and "doing all the little things". This, of course, makes them the best players, nay people, ever in the history of the world. In reality, they'll both go to the hall of fame, and both deserve it, but for reasons entirely different from and mutually exclusive to the reasons cited in all the hagiography describing their inductions. See how I just made a point there Jemele? But what if I'm wrong? I probably should have just made some weird George Bush joke instead. Come to think of it, how do you leave Jeter off a list like this. He should be using his cool nerves and determination to wrestle the number one slot away from Favre. You should probably expect a phone call from Tim McCarver within the week.

8. Dwyane Wade. Make a timely joke about the NBA finals and then predict that Wade will have 8 DUI's. Man, this writing thing is easy.

9. Michael Vick. People, both fans and media, complain about him all the time, win or lose, no matter what he does. This one is just wrong.

10. Steve Nash. This one is too boring to make fun of, except that she says Nash has a higher "hook up value" than Shaq despite listing Nash 7 spots lower.

11. and 12. Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen. Who doesn't rip on these guys? If you've suddenly gone back to the employer thing you mentioned at the top and then ignored I could get Millen, but at least tell me you've shifted criteria. As for Thomas, even Dolan has said Isiah's gone if the team sucks, what more do you want Jemele?

13. Reggie Bush. I don't think he really has been hyped that much, at least not once the actual games started. Most of the stories I saw were about how relatively disappointing he had been. That is until he played extremely well these last two weeks. Great timing on the article by the way.

14. LeBron James. Hill only included this one to make a joke about commercials, so I'm going to ignore it too.

15. Peyton Manning. This one is my favorite. In her first sentence she acknowledges that no one actually gives this guy "the hook up". In her next sentence she takes issue with an accurate, if arguable, position that Peyton Manning plays like the best quarterback ever during the regular season.

Just a brutal article that makes no sense. She even left out the biggest "hook up" of all. Page 2 has continued to exist for more than five years despite totally sucking in every way possible. I guess Page 2 must have pictures of Monday Night Football in a dress or something, otherwise there's no other explanation (get it, I called back your joke about Isiah Thomas, I am a genius).

Back in Business

2006-12-06T15:36:00.000-05:00

Due to my complete lack of posts over the past six months, I feel obliged to re-enter the world of Yelling Louder with a new attitude, new enthusiasm, and a renewed focus on our mission statement, which is to yell about sports as loudly as possible, with a very low degree of theoretical coherence or internal consistency. I'm pretty confident that I can do this at least as well as the next guy, and definitely as well as Stephen A.

The main problem, however, is this: I am a half-hearted sports fan, insofar as I check ESPN.com twenty times a day but mostly only in the hope that Stephen Jackson has fired shots in the McDonald's drive-through because the window cashier gave him too few ketchup packets. I have little interest in tracking day-to-day stats or player tendencies. I never worry about which team's offensive line looks a little too weak on the right side, or who hasn't been throwing their best stuff over the past two weeks. I don't know anything about bench players, and can never remember where any given guy went to college. I struggle with identifying who is who on my alma mater's football team because there are no names on the jerseys. Indeed, my observations of the sporting world are rarely nuanced in any way. So, I'm glad we've discussed that criticism up front. If you want to read a post about how ridiculous it is that the Pats are playing slightly below their potential, I'm not your man.

What I can contribute, hopefully, is a slightly under-informed commentary in the vein of Adam's recent (and excellent) column, in which he imagined the transformation of our most cherished male superstars into camera-loving, baby-making, hotel-room cowboys, although I'm not sure how that's very different from real life. (A similar comparison for female athletes, one presumes, would have been too inflammatory even for a writer of Adam's defiant caliber. Or maybe, quite reasonably, he just couldn't think of any female athletes.) I criticize Adam's list only insofar as it bears a strong resemblance to a compilation of athletes who already think, on a daily basis, that they'd be awesome porn stars. For instance, there is no doubt in my mind that Ron Artest thinks about being a porn star during time-outs. (Sorry, Keith Jackson, I mean "times-out"). And you know that Shaq thought 'Kazam' was a porno when he signed on for it.

Moving on, I will probably write about one of my favorite sports, tennis, from time to time. I know: this is going to throw some people off, because it doesn't get any attention from commentators. I can explain this dearth of coverage easily enough -- it's because it doesn't involve team dynamics (so commentators can't spend the usual 90% of their time talking about disagreements between teammates and coaches, or about a given player being too selfish). We also don't hear more about tennis because Sean Salisbury never played it, and is therefore speechless when asked to comment. But regardless, I will write about tennis, and it will be good. Not David Foster Wallace good, but good.

Back with a real column in a few days.

Till Death Do Us Part.

2006-12-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

BCS is the gay marriage of the sports world. I'm not trying to ignite any political fires, I'm just saying that they are treated the same way by their respective pundits and commentators. Seriously, look at the similarities. And just for the sake of comity, I'm going to pass on the easy joke about how much the SEC hates both of them. (Go LSU/Auburn!)

In the real world, a lot of people hate gay marriage and don't really know why. They say it impacts their own marriages somehow, or that "its just wrong," or some other echo of a pre-civil-rights-era argument against interracial marriage. In the sports world a lot of people hate the BCS and they don't really know why. They say it impacts their enjoyment of the games somehow, or that "we should just let them play," or some other echo of a pre-BCS era argument against the old bowl and poll system of determining who was the National Champion. In the real world, even people who favor gay marriage try and act like they aren't that in favor of it. Politicians support strange hair-splitting like civil unions, or just use good old fashioned passing the buck. In the sports world, even people who favor the BCS try and act like they are against it. By now, the phrase "the BCS is a flawed system, but it's what we have," gets more airplay than "defense wins championships," which had been the most uttered cliche for the previous nine decades.

The relatively few outspoken defenders of each institution are also in a tough spot. For them, each just seem to make sense. Explaining support of gay marriage or of the BCS is a lot like explaining why a particular mousakka is so tasty. It's easy to talk about layered flavors and essences and shades of meaning and things like that, but only if the audience is listening. In the gay marriage debate, as in the BCS debate, no one is really listening to anyone.

There are only three systems ever mentioned for determining the College Football champion: classic bowl and poll, current BCS, playoff. I will discuss them in decreasing order of stupidity.

Bowl and poll is probably the dumbest system of determining a championship ever. If anyone ever blasts the BCS on television without simultaneously calling for a playoff system to replace it, that person is tacitly condoning a return to bowl and poll, and that person is an idiot. Under bowl and poll you get all the capriciousness of the current bowl system without any of the potential to function properly. For all its flaws, the BCS is at least trying to put the right two teams together, bowl and poll had no such compunction. Sure Michigan fans are upset right now, but how would they feel if Michigan was playing Arkansas in the Florida Citrus bowl? Because that's what would have happened absent the BCS. So Michigan beats Arkansas, OSU beats USC in the Rose bowl, and Florida beats Louisville or Notre Dame in the Sugar bowl. Now everyone tell me who's best. Great, that settles things, I feel much more comfortable anointing OSU under that system.

The BCS has been under a mountain of scrutiny since it came out. All the focus has been on those terrible computers and how they are ruining everything. This is the football equivalent of sabermetrics in baseball. Something new comes along that is a slight alteration, probably in the direction of better understanding. This alteration discards some small pieces of conventional wisdom that had been gathering for decades. Old men flip out and crap their pants about how Knute Rockne never needed no computers to tell him how to throw a forward pass, dad gummit. I think that polling is an incredibly stupid way to pick a national champion. But if there's going to be polling, I want it to as objective and unbiased as possible. I don't think Jeff Sagarin has inputted the perfect algorithm into his computer, but I bet its a pretty good one. And I trust that computer to follow that system much more than I trust people like this to act reasonably. This year, all those terrible computers had Michigan and Florida tied. Any complaint that any talking-head has about Florida playing in the National Championship, or Michigan not playing in the National Championship is an implicit condemnation of the human polls and not the computers. Let's see if any of them go all the way and explicitly blame the humans. I'm guessing no.

Finally there's playoff system panacea. My favorite aspect of the playoff system, aside from all the unbelievably straight-faced worries it engenders about a Miami player's ability to take his finals, is that people ignore tthe need to actually have some way to choose the teams that went. This method, of course, would be the BCS. Would people complain less about the difference between 8/9 (or 16/17 or wherever they cut it) than they do about the difference between 2/3? That seems a lot to ask from a group of people who complain for a living. The playoffs would be infinitely better than what we have now, but the BCS would be a huge part of any playoff system.

Congratulations Florida and OSU on your BCS approved Fiesta Bowl nuptial. LSU, I'm truly sorry for how many times you will hear that it was only your comparatively low admissions standards that allowed you to overcome a noble squad of minor league pitchers and boxers who were told in the off-season to "be fast". Last but not least, good luck to Pam Ward. Out of all the college football announcers, I think you are the one most likely to require a move to Vermont to be truly happy.

What would Jay Bilas say about John Holmes at the NBA draft?

2006-11-29T00:01:00.000-05:00

I promise this will come around to sports, just bear with me for a couple of paragraphs. I’ve finally come to the point in my life where I’m completely comfortable with my masculinity. If you’re a straight man, you quickly realize two things upon moving into Chelsea. A quick examination of neighbors, store patrons, and passers by will lead to the undeniable conclusion that there is no way you’re gay. You also realize that anyone who calls you gay is doing so with only the vaguest understanding of what “gay” really means. Hint, it is not something stupid or unfortunate.

With that in mind, I’m going to talk about porn. The dude in porn. Porn-dude is an interesting vocational choice. Earning a paycheck by getting blowjobs from Jenna Jameson and Briana Banks seems like a mighty fine lot in life but there are some downsides. For every Devon, there are ten Robin Byrds and you probably have to work your way up. Personally, I would always have stuff like this in the back of my mind. And then there’s the ultimate danger of ruining sex for yourself. I don’t think that assiduous sex would lead me to tire of it, or that it would become too mechanical. Professional musicians don’t ever complain about that sort of thing, so I don’t see why I should assume professional anal sex havers would feel any differently. I’m just saying, you get used to drinking Belvedere and, suddenly, Smirnoff martinis don't taste so good. And I bet if you spend all day having threesomes with Janine Lindemulder and Silvia Saint, the girl you meet at the bar later is at least a little less impressive.

Even with those negatives I still think a lot of guys would choose to be porn-dudes given the right situation, just like a lot of them would be professional athletes if they could. That got me to thinking, which professional athletes would make the best porn-dudes. To answer that question you have to figure out who becomes porn-dude. There seem to be several requirements for all porn-dudes and then some other stuff that is merely preferable. Requirements: seem really dumb; be out of touch with reality to the extent that it doesn’t bother you that you’re a porn-dude; mumble all the time or talk in weird halting sentences; be such a bad actor you make the porn actresses look passable. Preferable: Some tattoos and piercings; look like you’re the kind of guy who still listens to Metallica and thinks it makes you edgy; be ripped. Completely unnecessary: any shred of attractiveness to the average female.

Here’s a list, in no particular order, of six professional athletes who I think would make good porn-dudes. To clarify, this isn’t a list of who I think is most likely to become a porn-dude, merely who is most likely to succeed in that role if he chooses it/funniest to consider as a porn-dude.

1. Ron Artest. Alright, this one is pretty easy. Out of touch with reality, check. Weird speech patterns, Tru Warier check. You know Ron-Ron would have Master of Puppets blaring out of his Escalade if it wasn’t honky music. We don’t have any real examples of Artest’s thespianism, but since he doesn’t even bother to look surprised when he gets whistled for the flagrant, I bet he’s up to snuff. Plus imagine Artest in the role, there’s no telling what he would do. Remember, this is a guy who, after his rookie NBA season, tried to get a summer job at Best Buy for the discount. I think my favorite scenario to imagine is that he assumes he’s married to the person he money-shots on each day and tries to go home with her. Actually, I think that would make a great sitcom. Fox, get in touch.

2. Mark McGwire. This would give him a good chance to rehabilitate his image after his Congressional testimony. Not only that, he completely fits the part. He’s a big, dopey, jacked guy who looks like a biker. Plus he’s got the connections. I’m pretty sure McGwire’s former bash brother Jose Canseco has at least 80% of the porn industry on speed dial. McGwire also has a charity that aids sexually and physically abused children. As a porn-dude, he’ll get to personally interact with dozens of these people every day.

3. David Ortiz. Since he's already called Big Papi he doesn't have to worry about picking a good porn name. Being fat did nothing to hinder Ron Jeremy’s career. Would be a good way to get used to performing with no protection in case the Red Sox actually go through with the Manny Ramierez trade.

4. Mike Piazza. He’s the Peter North of baseball.

5. Matt Leinart. The rare case where porn stars would actually class up his sexual history. Like McGwire, he’s probably hip to the industry scene as well. Porn-dude is also a step up in respect from his current job, player for the Arizona Cardinals. However, like the 7’2” guy from Senegal, this is a pick based on potential. Sure, Leinart has a lot of skanky success on his own, but think what he could do with a little mentoring, a barbed wire tattoo, significant body waxing and a Prince Albert. I know I’m excited.

6. Shaq. Duh. When he talks you can’t understand him, he’s a huge guy, cheesy moustache, definitely getting tired of the whole basketball thing, and we know that his acting talents are a perfect fit. He’s also the perfect mixture of imposing presence and complete obliviousness to anything around him to pull off a good gang-bang scene. I just know he’d be excellent starring in Love Shaq 9. Also, look at the guy, you know he’s got a dick that would make Lex Steele blush.

I think this is a solid group. In fact, I’ll go so far as to suggest that if these guys actually started making porno movies, Hideki Matsui would buy all of them.

P.S. I know that some baseball player from Japan was actually in a porn.

P.P.S. The answer to the question posed in the title is, of course, “he’s got great length.”

Bowling in November

2006-11-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

Well folks, it's that time of year again. Just as Thanksgiving is now the Pre-Christmas, the last weekends of the college football regular season are the Pre-Bowl Season. This past weekend we already had what some were labeling as the national championship game, played in Columbus, Ohio, and not Glendale, Arizona (though the Ohio Stadium grounds crew attempted their best impersonation of the University of Phoenix Stadium by 'rolling in' new turf for the game).

The Michigan-Ohio State game was arguably the best game thus far this season. It was a true Big Ten football game, featuring five-receiver sets, 80+ points, and the spirit of Bo Schembechler. Michigan played in their typical style of helmet-to-helmet hits and Lloyd Carr complaining. Ohio State coach Jim Tressel threw everyone a curveball by not sporting a sweater vest. Heisman hopeful Troy Smith dueled it out with future NFL superstar Chad Henne (see John Navarre and Brian Griese).

Now that the Buckeyes have secured themselves a spot in the national championship and the longest vacation ever between games, the rest of us get to speculate about who they'll play. USC? Florida? Michigan, again? Everyone has their opinion, and most aren't afraid to share it. Kirk Herbstreit was adamant that it should not be OSU-Michigan again (perhaps the Buckeye alum just hates Michigan too much). Bob Davie says let the Big Ten have its day in Glendale. Brent Musberger was too excited about the whole situation to make a decision. Doug Flutie says let the two best teams play. Surely Mr. Flutie knows a thing or two about great teams going head to head from his days in the Canadian Football League.

The picture should be getting clearer, however. Rutgers found a Cincinnati Bearcats team too much to handle, and bowed out of the race. Notre Dame will play USC, relegating the loser to some second-rate bowl, like the Orange or Fiesta. (Wait, maybe Notre Dame has already accepted a spot, in both. Split squad, anyone? I think Dick Vitale has offered his jet to fly Brady Quinn between sites.) Florida tried to score as many points as their basketball team, as the Gators poured it on Western Carolina Junior High.

Another point of confusion will come when people announce where the National Championship game is being played - the University of Phoenix Stadium, in Glendale, Arizona. It's almost appropriate that the stadium hosting a college championship bears the name of a university, except for the fact that the University of Phoenix is not a real university. The online degree powerhouse is almost fictional. They might as well call the place Hogwarts Field.

Anyway, the voters will act in their usual methodical fashion by waiting to see who wins the USC-Notre Dame game, the SEC Championship, then selecting their favorite team with one loss. After that, the BCS computers will work the numbers in a way that would make Enron envious, and the most popular school will be selected. The controversy won't stop there, though. If USC is selected to play Ohio State, the Trojans may try to sneak Matt Leinart into the game. It would be the most meaningful game Leinart will have played in since leaving USC. But, Dennis "They Are Who We Thought They Were" Green probably wouldn't allow it.

So with Michigan holding on tight to the #2 ranking, here's what the other teams must do in order to have a chance to take that spot from the Wolverines:

USC - The Trojans must beat Notre Dame, then hope for a Florida loss in the SEC Championship. They must win so convincingly that they persuade voters to believe they're the second best team in the country. To do this, USC must shut out the Irish and score 90 points. Coach Pete Carroll should also remind voters that USC cannot play a bowl game outside of the states of California or Arizona. It's NCAA rule #907A.

Florida - The Gators need to win the SEC Championship by a large margin. By large, I mean that Chris Leak must throw for 500 yards and 5 TDs, while backup QB Tim Tebow throws for another 300 yards and runs for 7 TDs. To do this, Florida will need to put 6 receivers on the field. (You know Coach Urban Meyer has thought about it.)

Notre Dame - First, they must beat USC. Then, the influential alumni need to place calls to voters and NCAA officials and remind them what Notre Dame means to college football. Remember, at least 60% of the country will watch the National Championship game simply because the Irish are playing.

Rutgers - The story of the 2006 season can only continue if USC, Notre Dame, and Florida all play to scoreless ties in their games; the voters, caught up in the confusion and with no idea what to do, default and vote for the Scarlet Knights.

Miami - "The U" needs to find the BCS computers and take 'em out, Miami Hurricane style. By destroying the computers that calculate the rankings, the BCS system will be shut down and no one will play in the championship. Then, at least Miami won't be the only big-time program sitting at home this bowl season.

All that aside, it will be difficult for any team to beat Ohio State. Michigan seems confident that, given a second chance, they would beat the Buckeyes. Doubtful. The overconfident Wolverines will get it handed to them again, with even more people watching this time. Big Ten fans will laugh at them. Fox executives will wonder why they paid millions for the rights to televise the same game the everyone already watched on November 18th.

So, Go Bucks, Go Blue, Fight On, and Play Like a Champion Today, because the 2006 Bowl Season is just getting started.

Steak and Eggs

2006-11-20T15:00:00.001-05:00

I said the main reason I wanted to start blogging again was because I was inspired. This is a truth, a full truth. In our Lazarus post, I implied that the entirety of this inspiration was positive and in the form of exquisite sports blogs. This was a truth, but a half-truth. The other half was something I saw on my favorite worldwide leader in sports programming. Well, actually that's another partial truth. The fact is, its been a lot of things, a lot of negative inspiration and not only on ESPN, though it is the worst offender. There was a tipping point though. That tipping point was last week on NFL live.

Sean Salisbury (seen here insulting women) is probably the dumbest man who talks about the NFL on television. Remember, that is a population that includes Michael Irvin and Mark Schlereth. As an aside, people always mention race inequity in the NFL coaching ranks but look at the analysts. Salisbury, Schlereth, Jaworski, Collinsworth, Steve Young, Howie Long, Merril Hoge, Jimmy Johnson, Marino, Esiason, plus in game analyst geniuses like Bill Mass, Siragusa, Moose Johnston, Joe Theisman, Paul McGuire, Brian Baldinger. On the other side we get Michael Irvin, the Sharpes, Jerome Bettis, Tom Jackson, and...ummm, oh well, that is an article for another day, back to Salisbury. Like I said Sean Salisbury is dumb. Among other offenses, he's the leading proponent of "catching the ball at its highest point." This, aside from the occasional screen or shovel pass, is impossible unless you assume that the receiver has the benefit of lunar gravity. Seriously, can anyone explain this to me? I mean, I guess it could be short hand for "at its highest catchable point" but it seems like jumping to catch a ball high instead of getting it in stride is still a dumb idea a lot of the time. Of course, as Sean Salisbury would be the first to explain, my opinion doesn't matter because I never played the game.

Back to NFL Live. There was some segment where Trey Wingo was asking the Steak-man a series of questions about, well they seemed to just be random questions about football but let's be generous and call them "ongoing storylines". Mike Golic was there too. I think it was called the Home Depot Question Chamber Zone presented by Visa or something. Two of these questions, which were asked consecutively: 1) What do you make of Randy Moss saying he plays better when he's happy. 2) Say words about Albert Haynesworth. I know that one isn't really a question but its pretty much what happened. Haynesworth, you may remember, removed a prone opponent's helmet and then stomped on the opponent's head. For this, he was suspended 5 games, about the same length as when you are dumb enough to be caught on the juice, or roughly 5 times as long as when you wear the wrong socks too often. Guess which of these actions, Moss' or Haynesworth's, Salisbury had a bigger problem with.

Salisbury gave the following answers (I'm paraphrasing). On Moss, "Someone needs to tell Moss to shut up. You have to play everyday, every play. He needs to get over himself and start playing. What a baby. I used to be a player, I would have told him to shut up. Locker room guys, defense wins championships." On Haynesworth, "You can't change who you are, go out there and keep doing your job. Keep playing with intensity, don't worry what other people think about you. I used to be a player, locker room guys, defense wins championships."

First things first. I'm not looking to pile on Haynesworth here. He did one of the most unsportsmanlike and dangerous things I've ever seen any athlete do on the field. For this he was punished by the league. He served his punishment and came back. Great, let him play. I actually agree with Salisbury that far. Go out, keep playing. Going forward, Haynesworth himself should pretend this never happened and so should his teammates. The problem I have is the incredible inconsistency between this attitude and the attitude expressed 10 seconds earlier in regard to Randy Moss.

Salisbury is pissed because Moss "isn't playing every play". Ignore for a second that Moss didn't actually say such a thing. If Salisbury is really that indignant about players taking plays off, Haynesworth was suspended for Five Games. During that time he didn't play any play. He was forced by the league to sit out more than 200 of his team's defensive plays. This, of course, doesn't come up in Salisbury's analysis.

Salisbury is also playing up the manliness angle. Moss should shut up about his womanly emotions, rub some dirt on his ego and play instead of crying like a little girl. Since there is hardly any research that suggests mood can affect performance, let's assume that Randy Moss could just suck it up if he wanted too. Let's also assume that sportswriters never mention things like momentum, or clubhouse chemistry, or a player's comfort with his role, or how much emotion Michigan was going to play with this weekend because of Bo Schembechler. That would just be more girly psychological mumbo jumbo. Didn't Haynesworth engage in some sort of improper emotion-driven outburst that led him to be suspended? Or did Haynesworth remove his opponent's helmet and step on his opponent's face after the whistle blew in an attempt to make an otherwise legal in-game tackle? Succumbing to emotion and wantonly injuring an opposing player, ok by Sean Salisbury. Succumbing to emotion and telling the media that sometimes its hard to play when you realize how much it sucks that Aaron Brooks is your best option at quarterback, unforgivable. Someone should tell that guy to shut up.

I'm kind of playing coy here. Obviously, Salisbury just doesn't like Moss and is getting on him. Haynesworth has been an unnotable decent player, aside from his head-stomp, and Moss tried to run down a meter-maid once. I get that, and that's fine. I wouldn't be pissed if Salisbury had just said something like "After all these years, this is just one more thing that gets me mad about Randy Moss." Just like I don't get mad when Bill Simmons writes his 45th article about Doc Rivers or gets all whiny when Indianapolis wins. I expect it. Note the bias and move on. Salisbury, though, wants us to keep catching his analysis at its highest point, some mythical level of clarity that only ex-players like he and Mark Schlereth can offer us. Just accept that such a place exists, accept what the ex-player says it looks like, and move on.

Ex-players can teach us some stuff. How to throw a ball, how to read defenses, what it's like to bang groupies. They have expertise in these things. They do not, by virtue of being a player, have innate, unattainable expertise in anything else. Not in what strategies work, not in what current players are thinking, not in whether being sad is worse than implanting your cleat in a dude's skull. People can learn that. Some of those people are ex-players. I trust no one on this earth to break down game-film more than Ron Jaworski. This is not because he's an ex-player, it's because he has invested serious time into developing an exepertise. He knows how to break down game-film, so I listen to him when he does it. That's my advice to you Sean Salisbury: stick to what you know. In your case, that's being embarrassed by John Clayton. If you do that, I promise to never make fun of you again. Even though you sucked when you played.

We Are Lazarus

2006-11-16T13:09:00.000-05:00

I know it’s been a long time. I know that probably only a select group on unconditional supporters will even care (Hi Mom!). But I am ready to let you in on some good news. Yelling Louder is ready to once again yell, and to do so loudly. Things are going to work a little differently around here. If you’re interested exactly how, please continue to read this long update. If you’re made so happy by the news of our return that you need to go out and celebrate now, do so. But feel free to come back to this later to get a handle on what’s going on.

So anyway, changes. There are going to be some big ones. But before all that, to give you comfort, here are some things that will not change: 1) we will continue to try and be funny, 2) we will continue to write about sports, 3) we will continue to hate Skip Bayless, 4) We will continue to have a lame, default blogger template. As to the other stuff well…

The first change is easy. Yelling Louder will no longer exclusively be a parody site and we will no longer have a specific weekly topic. Satire will still be at our core, but we will have entries written in our own names with our own thoughts and “analysis” of whatever topic we choose. We still want to have our own voice, though. What does this mean for you? Imagine, for example, we get pissed off at Jay Mariotti (unimaginable, I know). Instead of writing articles about why Jay Mariotti sucks (which is already adequately covered here and here), we would tend to write parodies of Jay Mariotti articles and encourage you to laugh rather than plot schemes to rip out his mullet perm. On the other hand, there will be times when we tackle larger sports related topics and will write them as ourselves, purportedly meaning the words we say. This flexibility should let us get posts out when we feel like writing about something instead of trying to squeeze our thought process into a little box every week. This will lead to more, better content

Won’t this change affect the status of our weekly Most Valuable Article competition? Yes, that’s the second big change. In the words of Thom Yorke, “ambition makes you look pretty ugly,” and through the weekly MVA we, like the proverbial paranoid android, became kicking, screaming, goose-shit, little piggies. Quite simply, all involved with Yelling Louder are otherwise busy people; this isn’t an excuse, just a fact. And while one unresearched, reactionary, 1000 word essay a week may not seem like a lot, it’s harder than I thought, especially when you pigeon-hole its topic. But I don’t want to get rid of the MVA competition. I like the interaction, and I like winning it too much. Here’s the revision: Instead of a weekly contest it will be a monthly one. Same rules still apply. You can vote for whichever article you want for whatever stupid-ass-sportswriter reason you want. (See full description here or here) All articles written during the time period will be eligible, though they’ll be whittled down to a elite five or so (as chosen by our writers or nominations from our readers) for the polling.

Finally, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to get back into this was because of the good work that other sports blogs are doing. There’s a lot of good writing going on and we want to be part of it. Most people know the bigger guys like deadspin, mjd, the big lead, fire joe morgan, awful announcing, kissing suzy kolber. But do yourself a favor and check out The Pacifist Viking. He’s writing good stuff and not getting nearly enough love for it. Check you guys soon.

Why Do You Hate Black People?

2006-05-24T22:55:00.000-04:00

Written in the style of Jason Whitlock.

I'm tired of listening to this media nonsense. If espn or the talking heads on tnt were to be believed, LeBron James was the best player on Cleaveland. This is true, but see it for what it is. A crafty form of racism. The honkey media is setting up another black man to fail.

See, sportswriters are crafty. That's why you can't believe anything they say. Even while singing the praises of LeBron all summer, I knew their wide smiles of ivory weren't as pure as the driven snow they resembled. Sure we could mention how good LeBron was, then we could all blame him for the loss. Well, let me ask you something. What about the other people to blame? What about the failures of Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Sasha Pavlovic, or Martynas Andriuskevicius? Now sure, Andiuskevicius didn't even play in the Detroit series, but that's beside the point. The average margin of victory in the Detroit series was 13.6 points, if Pavlovic had been able to score that much in his 1.5 minutes per game instead of the 0 points he did score, the Cavs would probably have won their series.

We don't hear about that though. We only hear about how this is LeBron's team. LeBron's team that lost. The black man's team lost. What about that team's black coach? He lost too, just like the white bread cracker ass cracker media wanted.

The best example of the media's racism is the story of Jeff George. Jeff George was the best quarterback ever. He could throw a football 700 yards on the fly from one knee. He could throw a tight spiral through toilet seat cover while blindfolded. He could out run wide receivers and run over defensive tackles. He was the greatest athelete ever. The media saw their chance. By hating this white guy they could try to "prove" they weren't racist and leave themselves open to "praise" LeBron 10 years later. So the media drove him into the ground. They made big deals about his abuse of teammates, his surly disposition, and that lost animal shelter/monistery he destroyed by crashing his car into it while drunk driving and receiving roadhead from a transvestite hooker whom he later killed.

We never heard about the five seasons he had where he played in more than 13 games. Or his 1 career playoff victory. Or his place among the greats as the number 36 all time leader in pass attempts. None of that. Just the problems. And just to make LeBron suffer.

So don't listen to them. Don't listen to sportswriters who are crazy. Don't blame LeBron for this lost playoff series. If you want to blame anyone, blame Cavalier general manager Danny Ferry. If Ferry had been willing to sign Jeff George to play the point for the Cavs, we'd probably be talking about the team from Cleaveland as the dominant force in the NBA for the next 70 or 80 years. I love black people.

I Am a Witness

2006-05-23T23:07:00.000-04:00

(Yes, Stephen A. Smith is back)

I am a witness. I am a witness to the hype. I am a witness to the attention. I am a witness to the playoff loss to Detroit. I am a witness to LeBron James.

And what's so great about that?

I watched LeBron carry the Cavaliers past Gilbert Arenas and the rest of his team. The only team that wouldn't have been able to do that is an NBA Developmental League team, and the New York Knicks. Then, I was watching as LeBron failed to beat the Detroit Pistons. Could it be any more obvious that he's not ready for the championship spotlight?

We all heard how LeBron is slowly becoming the next Jordan. Well, first maybe he should try becoming the next Kobe. Or the next Iverson. If my memory serves me correctly, Michael Jordan won a few championships. Kobe also has some rings. LeBron James won a few playoff games and now he's the next Jordan?

Ridiculous!

James had 27 points in Game 7 against Detroit. That was 19 points less than what it took to win the game. LeBron is not ready to put his team on his back and step it up in the big game. If he were, he would've put up 46 points. Jordan would've had 50 points in the bag before arriving at the arena. Kobe can score 50 points in his sleep! Look at how he stepped it up in Game 7 against Phoenix.

LeBron failed the city of Cleveland. A city in need of a championship will continue to wait. Forget that LeBron put the Cavs in position to close out the series in Game 6 at home. He lost that game. Then, he lost Game 7.

Loser!

One of the greatest attributes of Michael Jordan was his ability to close out opponents. Shut 'em down. Open up shop. He'd wear them down slowly, then finish them off definitively. He'd stick his tongue out at them while dunking on them. That's how you ball it!

I want to see LeBron James win a big game for once. I've seen Manu Ginobili win bigger games than James. And I just broke one of my rules by even mentioning Manu Ginobili in this column.

Before annointing LeBron James the greatest player in the NBA, let's see if he can carry a city on his back, like Allen Iverson in Philadelphia. Like Mike Bibby in Sacramento. Like Paul Pierce in Boston. Even Steve Nash is proving he's great by taking the Suns to the Western Conference Finals. I guarantee that, unlike LeBron and the Cavs, Steve Nash and the Suns will never lose to the Detroit Pistons in a conference playoff.

Some call LeBron James "King James." Well, maybe he's the king of the regular season, but when it comes time for the playoffs, he's merely a court jester. I laughed at the idea of the Cavaliers beating the Pistons.

Larry Hughes' return to the team actually hurt the Cavs' chances of winning the game. He became yet another teammate to which LeBron had to try to get the ball. James has to at least attempt to distribute the ball and get his teammmates involved, right? Wrong. Playoff basketball isn't a charity event. If you're not good enough to deserve to get the ball, then you shouldn't get the ball. Quite frankly, no one on the Cavaliers but LeBron James deserves to get the ball.

The more times LeBron passes the ball, the less the ball is in his hands. And for Cleveland, that's a losing proposition. Why would you take the ball out of your best player's hands? If you have a choice of giving the ball to LeBron James or Donyell Marshall, who would you give it to? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Kobe Bryant once scored 80 points in a game. 80 points would've beaten Detroit in Game 7. It would've been nice to see LeBron get the chance to score all of his team's points.

Who's the greatest player in the NBA?

I don't know.

But, it's definitely not LeBron James.

You can come out of rehab.

2006-05-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

Yelling Louder is back. Thank you for bearing with us, its been an exciting month. Luckily, now, we are done with our stupid finals. This means we are empirically smarter if you consider only the number of credits we have accrued at our respetive institutions of higher learning. Hire us. We also have a new topic. But before I get to that I'd like to throw something out there.

We have our little horse and pony show here, but if you're looking for some more serious sports commontary, check out our side bar. Specifically, Desktop QB and Pacifist Viking are both locations we highly endorse as oases of truth and entertainment amidst the sometimes barren landscape of the blog-o-sphere.

Now onto the shiny new topic. Some of you may be aware of a basketball player named LeBron James. He's supposedly pretty good and was involved in some kind of playoff tournament or something recently. We here at Yelling Louder are here to tell you why he sucks. He lost the series he was playing in afterall and there were only 23 other players involved (11 other cavs and 12 pistons). Clearly James was the only cause of any outcome, so we're going to tell you why we knew this particular and percise outcome would happen (no matter what we originally predicted 2 weeks ago and then repredicted 4 days ago).

Please be sure to come back this Thursday and vote for your favorite article. Thanks for sticking around during our time off and we promise to come back better than ever.

ESPN NFL Draft Coverage

2006-04-30T19:25:00.000-04:00

In case you missed any of ESPN's marathon Draft coverage, or even if you watched every second, you probably didn't catch the following analysis and comments:

On Texans/Reggie Bush saga:

Mel Kiper:
I hate the pick. I had Reggie Bush #1 on my draft board. I don't know why every NFL team doesn't just follow my draft board. I'm always right, every year, every pick. Obviously Charlie Casserly has NO idea how the draft works.

Michael Irvin:
How do you NOT take REGGIE BUSH?!! He's the best runningback to come into this league since Emmitt Smith. This is why the league should've never put a team in Houston. All of Texas should now root for the Cowboys! HA HA!!

Chris Berman:
Woooooooaaaah. Reggie "Mr. President" Bush must be wondering what's going on. I'm not sure what the Texans' plan is. Maybe they're thinking that having the next Bruce Smith will bring them a Super Bowl. As a Bills fan, I can tell you that's true. Also, Albert "Winnie the" Pujols just a hit home run in the Cards game today.

On Vince Young:

Mel Kiper:
I graded Vince Young right there with Matt Leinart. I brought both of them to my house for a series of interviews and workouts in my backyard. I was impressed with Young, but when it came time to the accuaracy tests, it was Leinart who was able to throw a ball through my neighbor's window and hit the TV in the livingroom. That told me that he knows how to throw intermediate routes with accuracy. But, I also had Vince Young throw some balls to this kid from down the street, and he was firing the ball in there, nearly breaking the kid's nose. I give the arm strength nod to Young.

Ron Jaworski:
In studying 3,587 hours of film on Vince Young, I have some conerns. When he throws the 5-yard out, his right heel only comes off the ground 1.23 inches, while I like to see at least 1.5 inches. This could hurt him. Vince Young also played in a remedial offensive scheme at Texas. He will have to learn to make multiple reads, and to look for the 3rd and 4th receiver options. I don't care if he beat Ohio State and USC; his offensive scheme was poor. It was clearly the worst in college football.

Chris Berman:
Vince "Forever" Young will be playing his own tune in the Music City. I can't wait to think of more great nicknames for him!

On University of Miami (FL) players:

Chris Berman: Seattle just selected Kelly Jennings. Where did he go to school?
Michael Irvin: Da U!!

Chris Berman: Sinorice Moss is the brother of Santana Moss, both of whom went to....
Michael Irvin: Da U!!! Represent!

On teams drafting for character, and therefore not drafting LenDale White:

Merrill Hoge:
Character is so important today. That's why you see teams like the New England Patriots and Pittsburgh Steelers winning championships. When I hear about LenDale White's lack of work ethic, that says to be that he doesn't know how to be a champion. He can't win championships. He will never be a part of a championship team. He didn't win in college, and won't win in the NFL.

Mark Schlereth:
I'm not surprised that LenDale White has fallen this far. When you don't keep yourself in shape, that says to me that you don't care about being a team player. Playing on the offensive line taught me about teamwork and dedication. Playing with John Elway taught me how you can lose Super Bowls, but still end your career on a high note. LenDale White has not shown dedication to football. I would have a hard time having this kid on my team. But, then I put on the tape of him playing at USC, and it's clear that he has great talent. I would draft him right now!

Torry Holt:
Yo dawg, LenDale, listen to me. I got your back, man. Straight up. You're great. I hope you come in and play with a chip on your shoulder. Prove all these teams wrong. It's just The Man trying to keep you down. Keep it real, and kick some a--!

On Matt Leinart falling to the 10th pick:

Sal Paolantonio:
You could see the disappointment on Matt Leinart's face when the Jets didn't draft him. It's totally understandable. The Jets are one team that kids grow up cheering for. They want to be Chad Pennington, and throw 5 yard routes like a champion. They want to play in the Meadowlands in New Jersey and put on the green jerseys that represent so much winning in recent years. I'm sure Matt Leinart dreams of handing the ball off to Curtis Martin and watching him run for 3 yards every carry. The Jets are building a championship by starting with the offensive line. When you have a great offensive line, it allows Pennington to look at his receivers even longer before he throws the ball 10 yards short of them.

Mel Kiper:
There are questions about Matt Leinart. First, is arm strength. Second, is whether he really wants to be a football player. Some scouts worry that he's too "Hollywood" and that he doesn't love football. I was out in LA researching Leinart, and so I followed him around. He was hanging out with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. This shows he likes the glamorous lifestyle of being a pro football player, but isn't willing to put in the time watching film. Then he was at a Lakers' game. Clearly, this shows he loves basketball much more than football. Then, we went out to this club in downtown LA. Snoop was there. They wouldn't let me in, but I assure you that Matt Leinart was there partying instead of watching film or working out. When you live this kind of life, you're going to fall in the draft.

Parting comments.......

Chris Berman:
I wish I weren't a Bills' fan.

Mel Kiper:
I have Brady Quinn at the top of my 2007 Draft board. Also, Tim Tebow will be the #1 pick in the 2009 Draft.

Merrill Hoge:
Did the Steelers win the Super Bowl?

Michael Irvin:
Those weren't my drugs!

Sal Paolantonio:
I'm at Jets headquarters, and I'm going to bed now in the room that I live in here.

Rachel Nichols:
I'm going to just stay here in Houston, so I'll be ready to report on the Texans having the first pick in the 2007 Draft.

I Swear We're Not Dead!!

2006-04-24T23:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, sorry about this. I thought it might happen and I tried to avoid it, but it was inevitable. Yelling Louder is going to have to take a brief hiatus. Many of us here are students at various institutions of higher learning and are approaching finals time. While we'd all rather be here slinging our virtual feces at Skip Bayless, our need to pass tests in order to have more letters placed after our names takes precedence. With that in mind there won't be an official contest this week or probably next week. After that we should be back on the ball. In the mean time, there might be some sporadic articles posted here by our less academically encumbered members, so be on the look out for those.

Now onto business. In the week we accumulated our 1000th visit to the site, Eric wins the first ever undisputed MVA. I think the sheer power of Eric's article scared away any other prospective authors and for this he deserves kudos.

Current Standings:

Name ..... Points ... Total MVAs
1. Adam .... 13.5 .... 3 MVAs
2. Mel ..... 9 ....... 2 MVAs
3. Eric .... 8 ....... 2 MVAs
4. Griffin . 5.5 ..... 1 MVA
5. TB ...... 4 ....... 0 MVA
6. Patrick . 1.5 ..... 0 MVA
7. Pat S. .. 0 ....... 0 MVA

The standings don't change that much, obviously, but Eric has improved his position substantially. Sorry again about this down period, but we'll come back better, stronger, and in possession of cushy summer employment.

I’m mad as hell, but I’m not a sportswriter!

2006-04-18T14:32:00.000-04:00

by Eric - in the manner of Newsday’s “Daily Rant”

“Over/Under of 15 years until the Yankees make their untimely pitch to free agent Chris Shelton for his over-the-hill bat...”
From: Angrymetsfan@yahoo.com

“Over/Under of 10 years before the Yankees make their untimely pitch to free agents pitchers Josh Beckett and Brian Bannister for their over-the-mound arms...”
From: Angriermetsfan@yahoo.com

“At last! I have determined the secret identity of Carl Pavano’s alter-ego! Its Kevin Brown!”
From: HighpricedYankee@yahoo.com

“Wow! Who would have thought that Omar Minaya could put together a Mets lineup and pitching staff that could make Willie Randolph look like a competent manager?”
From: JoeTorre@Yankees.com

“I did!”
From: Bcashman1998@Yankees.com

“Is there any pitching staff in major league baseball other than Jaret Wright, Shawn Chacon, and Carl Pavano, that would make Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina look like 1 and 2 starters and not retirement home fodder?”
From: Mstottlemyre@YankeesSuck.com

“And with the number 4 pick in the 2006 NFL Draft, the Jets select - No one who could possibly get them out of the hole they’ve dug for themselves!”
From: Herm@GoChiefs.com

“Tiki Barber + Jeremy Shockey + Plaxico Burress = hopefully enough offense to keep Eli from choking in the playoff like his brother Peyton.”
From: Eli@NFLMannings.com

“Thank God the Knicks have an insurance policy on Larry Brown. Now we can go out and spend some more money on another over-priced egotistical shooting guards with attitude problems!”
From: Bonziwells@ILOVENY.com

Yelling Louder Than Ever Before

2006-04-17T17:30:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen:

New week, new topic. Things are off to a bit of a later start than usual this week, but don't worry -- we here at YL know how hard it can be to go without a fix. That's why this week is going to have the Best Posts Ever, and will in all likelihood feature the debut of a hot young talent whose day job is getting that money in the SC and whose night job is about to become throwing the high heat for Yelling Louder. Ergo, come back soon for the wham-wham.

The topic this week is "Monday Morning Quarterbacking". Not yelling about it, but rather, yelling while doing it. Voting as always will be on Thursday. I don't want to speak too soon here, having not spoken with the YL higher-ups, but a tingly feeling in my bathing suit area makes me think that this time It Will Probably Count. And Mel, don't think YL Admin is turning a blind eye to some very suspicious 11th hour voting patterns last week. Remember, compromising your morals for an extra 1.5 points in YL balloting isn't worth it. Well, it might be worth it, but don't be so obvious about it next time.

Yours,
TB

Kissing Both Of Your Sisters

2006-04-14T09:00:00.000-04:00

As Charles Dickens would say, "'Today is Christmas day sir!'", no wait...As Charles Dickens would say, "'Please sir, I want some more!'" Shit that's not it either. Let me try one more time. As Charles Dickens would say, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

First, the best of times. We had our most votes ever. We had our highest traffic day ever. We debuted a new author to rave reviews. We showed how blatently stupid all steroid "journalism" is. I really wanted to show how humorless The Family Guy is, but South Park took care of that for me. We showed that New York baseball teams have a combined record of 12-5 while Pennsylvania baseball teams have a combined record of 6-14. (**Special Note: Adam, Griffin, and Eric grew up in NY. Mel, Patrick, and TB grew up in Pennsylvania. Recently, Patrick has come to his senses and moved to NY. With that in mind: Adam, Griffin, Eric, and Patrick, are obviously supreme in all phases of life when compared to TB and Mel. (**Special Double Note: In less than 1 month's time, TB will be moving to NY which means the only laggerd in terms of culture and baseball and crime rate (seriously, look at Pittsburgh compared to NYC) will be Mel.))

Now, the worst of times. We had a mother fucking three way tie for first place. That's right, a three way tie. Ordinarily, I'm completely in favor of three-ways. Of course, those genreally have a 2:1 boob to testicle ratio. In this case, we merely had three people tie for first place. Not as much fun but equally as triumvirate. Adam (the favorite disciple), Griffin (the second tallest author), and Eric (the newest and girthiest author), all tied for first place. Fortunately, with our 5-3-1 point architecture, we can just give each person 3 points and not resort to fractional silliness. Unfortunately, none of these authors is able to exert their dominion over the other two. Although, each can exert his dominion over TB who didn't even bother authoring an article this week.

One note: I, along with the rest of our authors, have decided that all fractional points will count as .5 of a point. This makes it easier to keep standings (we're all liberal arts majors, give us a break) and will allow the races to stay closer. With that in mind, here are the newest available standings.

Current Standings:

Name ..... Points ... Total MVAs
1. Adam .... 13.5 .... 3 MVAs
2. Mel ..... 9 ....... 2 MVAs
3. Griffin . 5.5 ..... 1 MVA
4. TB ...... 4 ....... 0 MVA
5. Eric .... 3 ....... 1 MVA
6. Patrick . 1.5 ..... 0 MVA

Thats it. We've got a pretty competitive race. I'd like to announce a new author for this upcoming week but I was burned the last time I tried to do that. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you can expect a brand new voice when you read the articles for the upcoming competition. Pay attention to that, pay attention to how awesome Adam is as of this moment when compared to his compatriots, and pay attention to how much we'd love to keep adding authors (if you're interested in being an author, email yellinglouder-at-gmail-dot-com for more info). Enjoy your weekend and check back tomorrow for the Saturday post and Sunday for our new topic.

No Diebold = Legitimate Results

2006-04-13T12:45:00.000-04:00

Once again its time to vote. There were only going to be three articles this week, but due to my benevolence, Mel was able to sneak in at the last minute. Anyway, just a simple reminder: you're voting on the Most Valuable Article in our game of sportswriter parody. For a full explanation of what we're talking about read this. Eric, our new author posted this week so either show him some love with your votes or brutally reject his style with the absence of your votes. Due to our late start, the polls will stay open until 12:30am. As usual we'll post the votes tomorrow for all the world to see. Oh yeah, one more thing...This Time it Still Totally Counts.

Thanks for voting, and tell your friends.

**Edit** Polls are closed. Check back tomorrow for the results.

Steroids, schmeroids

2006-04-13T11:50:00.000-04:00

In the style of "generic pro-steroids sportswriter"

I don't get it. I don't understand why people are so concerned about steroid use in baseball. Without steroids, baseball wouldn't be where it is today. Without steroids, our national past-time might be competitive eating. Though I think the Black Widow, bless her, might be on the juice.

I can't believe that there is anyone out there that really buys into this government-sponsored steroid witch hunt. There is no way people would be watching baseball today without that great American, Mark McGwire. McGwire single-handidly saved American baseball. Without him, no one would have cared about the Yankees and Red Sox. Those stadiums would have been empty. Wrigley Field would look more like Le Stade Olympique. Three Rivers and the Vet would still be standing. People who blame steroids for any problems are just looking at it in the wrong light. They should be praising it for giving us back a sport that had gone to the brink of extinction because of a strike.

So now, the rest of the sports world needs to follow baseball's example. This is especially important for hockey. If the NHL wants to become a viable sport once again, it needs to stop hyping rookies. What the NHL should really do is find their biggest, meanest enforcers, and dope them up.

Hockey has no homeruns. The thing people like about it most is the fighting and the blood. If you can get these enforcers to follow the lead of such amazing atheletes as Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro, hockey can be just like baseball. You just need to get that roid rage flowing, and then once more people from Philadelphia will be consumed with hatred for the New Jersey Devils.

So listen here, hockey. You don't wanna be like Mike. You wanna be like Mark!

Fresh Squeezed Juice

2006-04-13T01:53:00.001-04:00

As Baseball attempted to regain its place as the National Pastime after losing a World Series and nearly an entire season due to an inability to negotiate a contract, it was the great home run chase between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa that brought the fans back to the ballparks. Now we know that the records that these great sluggers set were, at best, dubious, and at worst, completely fraudulent. As we slowly began to find out, the steroid problem in baseball started well before the strike of 94. Since steroid testing only began within the past two seasons, we can never be sure who was using and who did it all on their own. That doesn't mean we can't speculate here, and that's exactly what I plan on doing.

Without further ado, I present to you my I Think They Were Juicing All Stars. I have no proof that some of these players have ever used steroids, but judging by the massive amounts of weight dropped right around the time of the beginning of steroid testing, a true baseball fan can get a sense with the naked eye which players appear to have, shall we say, come clean.

Catcher
The obvious choice for this team is Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez of the Detrout Tigers. Pudge lived up to his nickname while he played for the Texas Rangers, a small man with tremendous power. Once steroid testing started, however, Texas no longer had use for Rodriguez, and when he started playing last season for the Tigers, a noticably slimmer Rodriguez did not provide the same pop as he had for the preceding decade.

First Base
There was a veritable logjam of players who had hoped to earn the nod for starting on this team, but by virtue of being the only player to actually be suspended for a positive steroid test, Rafael Palmeiro is our man. Honorable mention goes out to Jason "I only lost about 5 pounds" Giambi and Mark "No Comment" McGwire.

Second Base
The second baseman on the Steroid All Stars is someone who kinda flew under the radar, Bret Boone. Boone saw his power jump from 7 homers in 1997 to 24 in 1998 and then had a breakout in 2001 in Seattle with a whopping 37 home runs. Power boosts such as these, combined with his release last season by not only the Mariners but also the Twins, cast enough suspicion to warrant his addition to this team.

Shortstop
The starter at shortstop was easily the most difficult to readily identify. The starter on this team is currently the record holder for longest suspension, an amazing 105 game suspension doled out last July 1. Ramon Castro of the Washington Nationals, a journeyman if there ever was one, but a starter on our team.

Third Base
The starter at third base made the voting very easy, by coming out and admitting to his steroid use before his untimely death, and by winning an MVP award with the help of his performance enhancers. Ken Caminiti, may you serve as a warning to those who suffer the same demons.

Outfield
As hard as it was to narrow the field down to three, we certainly get our money's worth from this group. Starting in left field is none other than Barry Bonds, for reasons that don't need to be rehashed here. Starting in center field, in a bit of a surprise maybe, is Brady Anderson, who had perhaps the largest leap in homeruns of any player on this or any list, going from 16 homers in 1995 to jacking an amazing 50 longballs in 1996. Something tells me it wasn't the amazing sideburns that provided all that power. Starting in right field is Barry's good buddy, Gary Sheffield, the man with the fastest hands in the game. Honorable mention goes out to Jose Canseco and Sammy Sosa, who couldn't quite make the grade.

Pitcher
This one is the biggest leap of them all, and is based purely on my own speculation. Has anyone else noticed how much smaller and less imposing Tim Hudson of the Atlanta Braves seems nowadays? When he was on the Athletics he seemed to do a much better job of filling out his uniform then he currently does. His fastball seems to have lost some of its zip as well, and these factors lead me to consider him the best man to take the ball for this team.

The Curse of the THG

2006-04-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

(Written in the style of Dan Shaughnessy)

Yes. Of course steroids are the biggest problem in the country right now. Yes. We need punishment. But I'm not worried about doling out fines or suspensions; these things have a way of taking care of themselves. Look at the Red Sox. They sell away Babe Ruth and they're cursed. Forget about them being the last team to integrate, or them hiring the biggest dick ever Carl Everett, or just plain old bad luck. The were cursed. By Babe Ruth. Indisputably. But how does this relate to steroids? The answer is obvious: Steroids have curses too.

Who is the worst and most obvious steroid abuser? No its not Manny Alexander. No its not Felix Heredia, or Alex Sanchez, or Matt Lawton. They tested positive, but who cares. No its not Palmiero either, I'm already bored with that. Think harder, its someone who hasn't actually tested positive yet. No its not Jason Giambi. Come on, its a guy we have leaked testimony from. No!! Its not Gary Sheffield. Come on you idiots, the one you care about most is Barry Bonds. He's the worst.

What team does The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds happen to play for? That's right, the SF Giants. And who has the longest championship drought if you ignore the Cubs? Right again, those same NY/SF Giants. What could these things possibly have to do with one another? The Giants are being punished for polluting the sport with steroids by The Curse of the THG.

The connection is obvious. The Giants moved from New York to San Francisco in 1958. That same year Rickey Henderson was born. Rickey Henderson has the second most career Walks as a batter. Second only to Mr. Juicy himself, The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds. Let's not forget the other obvious connection. The most important curse in the history of baseball is the Curse of the Bambino. Babe Ruth exerted control over the emotions of an entire region for more than 85 years. The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds currently occupies third place on the all time home run list, right next to Babe Ruth. The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds holds the single season home run record. You know who else did that? Babe Ruth. All of these things can't be conincidence. They can't be convenient scapegoats or tenuosly linked random events. Make no mistake, The Curse of the THG has taken hold. The Giants will never win another World Series until they atone for signing The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds.

The worst part about The Curse of the THG is that it is retroactive. The Giants haven't won a World Series since 1954 so they were cursed before they even knew it. Destiny is funny like that. The only people I feel truly for are the Giant fans who had to endure all those seasons of losing and never even saw The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds play. They didn't do anything to deserve this. No one did. Except Bonds. And to a much lesser degree Giant management.

Simple as that. No one would mind if The Worst Steroid User: Barry Bonds gets suspended or fined or has his records expunged. But if that doesn't happen, don't worry. He has to live with the pain and suffering he's caused millions of people by initiating The Curse of the THG. Never again will he be able to sit around thinking about his millions of dollars with that smug smile of his. Never again will he be able to excell at his profession without talking to me about it. Never again will he able to do non-publicized charity work. These things are dead at the hands of The Curse of the THG.

I don't know how the Giants can break The Curse. Maybe they can get Bonds to admit that he supplied the entire league with steroids. Maybe they can get Bonds to apologize for not answering every reporter's question in a timely manner. Maybe they can give me Bonds' home phone number so I can prank call his house and send him a bunch of pizzas he didn't order. Whatever the solution is, they need to find it quick. The Curse is festering and soon, the Giants might just stop winning games all together.

Live in constant sorrow San Francisco. Forget about your good weather, your loving families, and the recent play off appearances and relative success of your baseball franchise. You are cursed. To find out more about The Curse, buy my book The Curse of the THG available soon.

ROID RAGE

2006-04-10T10:17:00.000-04:00

By Eric Vogel (writing as Dennis Miller)
I read a quote from a baseball fan in Newsday today that said if Major League Baseball’s owners had any respect for the game, they would intentionally walk Barry Bonds every time he gets up to bat until he retires. Why aren’t there more fans out there like this?

Now I don’t mean to go off on rant here, but this steroid scandal makes me madder than a Balco client with a bad case of roid rage. Personally, I think Barry Bonds should be taken out into the street and pelted with every last home run ball he hit while juicing. I think Rafael Palmeiro should be forced to swallow Viaga (and his lame excuses about “vitamin” B12) until he’s stiffer than MLB’s steroid policy. Wait, forget that last analogy. Seriously folks, baseball’s powers that be need to start making the punishment fit the crime. I’m all about “an eye for an eye”. Me and Hammurabi are closer than Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco back in the day. I mean, we don’t inject each other in the ass or anything like that, but we shake hands after the game.

Of course all of these punishments are just a pipe dream. The MLB lets Raffy sneak out the back door into retirement, and they continue to let Barry Bonds pursue one of the greatest sports records of all time. Just because Bud Selig’s a pansy doesn’t mean we the fans have to take this like a shot in the butt of Alex Sanchez, Jorge Piedra, Agustin Montero, Jamal Strong, Juan Rincon, Rafael Betancourt, Ryan Franklin, Mike Morse, Carlos Almanzar, Felix Heredia, Matt Lawton, or any other people who were suspended during the 2005 season for using. Is there public outcry that these blatant cheaters should be banned from baseball? Is there a mass movement to protect baseball’s history from the gigantic, hydrocephalic cranium of Barry Bonds? Of course not! Instead we get a 3 part series on Sportscenter and a reality series about how Bobby Bonds was an alcoholic and how Barry had such a rough childhood. Ahh, on the mean streets of San Mateo, California, Barry was sucked in by the andro Pushers. If sports news reporting was any better at misdirection, they’d be working for the Bush administration.

So now we get the bright idea to start a commission to investigate steroids because obviously those naughty players were lying to us when they lined up before the senate and either danced around the question like an oversize ballerina or outright denied that they were using. God I love theatre. So we get an ex-senator to get to the bottom of this fiasco, because the first hundred senators we threw at these guys did such a good job uncovering the facts, but he’s not just any ex-senator. He’s the chairman of Walt Disney, Co., the same company that owns ESPN, the station that’s running sympathy pieces on Mr. Barry “my heads always been this big” Bonds. My guess is Mr. Mitchell wouldn’t find the truth if I brought it to his house stuffed it in a giant syringe and stuck him in the ass with it like a humongous shot of anabolic goodness.

What I find hysterical is that all this started because of Canseco’s tell-all book. I mean, as if the guy hadn’t done enough for baseball already…. Not only was it the pot calling the entire cookware set black, but its like, well, I imagine it would be comparable to Frank Abagnale throwing back the curtain on the mighty Oz and saying “Look at the man behind the curtain, he’s not who he says he is!”. And don’t get me wrong, I was not happy living in semi-ignorance, I’m just astounded that it took this doofus, who once let a ball falling inside the park for a double bounce off his head into the stands for a home run, to get the MLB to start testing like they mean it.

But I digress. The world of baseball has been tainted by this whole situation, but even worse than the prevalence of steroids is the public’s indifference to the whole situation. Maybe it’s a testament to how much people love the game, or maybe its just a case of we’d rather see home runs and big heads than low scoring, small ball, pure games of baseball. Either way, in my eyes the new commission appointed to investigate steroid use better spark the public’s ire, because if not, I just might give up and start following a real sport like professional wrestling.
Of course that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

This Week's Topic

2006-04-09T18:45:00.000-04:00

Hello loyal viewers. Thanks again to everyone who voted last week. The voting was a little bit lower than usual but, then again, so was the writing on our end. Congratulations to Mel on her photo-finish victory.

Now for the business at hand. I've been reluctant to use this next topic, since it's not exactly new, but I think it's still ripe. The issue we'll be targeting this week is steroids. Now, steroid "journalism" has been around in full effect for at least a year now but the level of stupidity and intellectual dishonesty in 99% of the reporting is truly mindboggling. Add in the vast disconnect between the importance your average sportswriter attaches to the whole situation (worse than Hitler) and what the average fan seems to think ("I only care enough to make marginally funny signs about suspected users on other teams") and you have the groundwork for the most rapid accumulation of terrible sportswriting that Moneyball was written.

Finally, we obviously tried something a little different with this Saturday post. Let us know what you think either in the comments, or by e-mailing yellinglouder-at-gmail-dot-com. And as always, we're on the lookout for new writers. So if mocking terrible sportswriters in front of an audience of dozens per week is something that sounds appealing to you, then drop us a line at that same e-mail.

College Coaching Carousel

2006-04-08T13:31:00.000-04:00

And now time for some lively debate about college athletics. Today there is a face-off regarding differentiated treatment of coaches and athletes within the NCAA. First is Griffin, taking the point of view that the treatment is unfair.

Griffin:

Let me start off by congratulating the Florida Gators on winning the National Championship in convincing fashion. They will undoubtedly be the preseason team to beat next year, and with the core of the team returning to defend their title. Also returning will be head coach Billy Donovan, which brings me to the purpose of this piece.

The end of the college basketball season marks the beginning of the sports' second season, the Coaching Carousel. Dozens of coaches end the season on the hot seat, even if they manage to guide their team to a tournament berth (see Orr, Louis). Others are forced to resign and then continue to serve as a lame duck for the remainder of the season (Mike Davis, I'm looking at you). It is unfortunate, but sometimes a program needs a new direction, and that can only be provided by switching captains, so to speak.

But how do these programs fill the vacancies they create? Do they seek out new talent or promote a long time assistant from a successful program? More often than not, this is not the case. Frequently, teams look to fill head coaching jobs by poaching coaches already entrenched in their current jobs, men under contract to render their services to programs they have helped to build.

Sometimes a coach will take a new job because it has always been their dream to coach at their alma mater (a la Roy Williams in North Carolina). More often, however, it is simply a matter of dollar signs. Jim Larranaga, the head coach of this year's Cinderella, George Mason University, will surely receive his fair share of calls from interested programs, and time will tell if he wants to continue on the path he currently travels, or if the money and the opportunity prove to be of greater value.

Lost in all of this are the players, the reasons these coaches have jobs to begin with. Players select what school they want to attend for any number of reasons. Chief among them is usually the man in charge. If a player buys into a coach's system without ever stepping on the floor for them, it is apparent that the coach was a primary deciding factor. What happens then if the coach who convinced the stud high school senior, now finishing up his freshman season at State U, leaves to go coach at another school? The coach is allowed to exit his contract, with or without a buyout, to go to greener pastures. The frosh? He's stuck at school, anxiously awaiting the school's press conference to announce a new head man.

But what if the student-athlete (oxymoron if I've ever heard one) doesn't want to play for the new coach? In that case, the student can choose to transfer to a new school, but must first sit out an entire year before taking the court for his new school. The NCAA claims that this is all in the student's best interests, but is it really? If you are, say, an accounting major, and you decide that the program isn't what you expected it to be, or you get homesick and decide you want to go somewhere closer to mom's home cooking, are you then forced to sit out a year for your own best interest? No, of course not, but then again, you aren't one of the primary income producers of the schools athletic department.

As the coaching carousel turns this spring, put yourself in the position of one of the players, and ask yourself if these kids are playing the game on a tilted court.

Now for the point of view that unequal treatment is justified Adam.

Adam:

Unequal does not always amount to unfair. College athletics exist for one reason: to make revenue for the university. We can hem and haw about whether this is justifiable. We can argue the absurdity of NCAA rules violations. We can even lament the relevance of the 13th amendment to the entire discussion. But facts are facts, and in this case the facts are that UNC isn't going to be cutting Raymond Felton a check for $1.18 Million any time soon no matter how much he deserves it, but Coach K is allowed to make all the commercials he wants.

Under the current system of NCAA operations it is entirely logical that coaches be allowed to swtich schools and players deterred from doing so. First of all, the players and the school have a contract with each other: you play basketball, we educate you for free. The school has no incentive to ever let the player out of that contract. Its a contract for free labor with no marginal cost to the school. The NCAA has forced teams to allow it but have deterred it with the year off policy. Coaches are contracted for a specific term as well, but there can be any number of reasons to fire or let a coach go, i.e. poor performance, better options available, coach gets a better offer you can't match, etc.

More importantly, in the NCAA the players are the product, not the coach. No one except Dick Vitale goes to a basketball game because of the coach; no college student is hoping to be in Al Skinner's history class or giddy to be in the dining hall at the same time as Steve Alford. People pay to see the product, from CBS and its advertisers on down to the students buying t-shirts. The NCAA knows what it has, and it knows how much people will pay for it. The policies of the NCAA are predicated on making sure the product stays in check and keeps pumping out cheaply produced high-revenue entertainment. Its not like NCAA president Myles Brand is making $870,000 a year by accident.

Finally, letting players switch teams indiscriminately would exacerbate the continuity problems already inherant in a sport where the longest career possible is 4 years. Imagine next year's Maui invitational with Joakim Noah playing for Georgetown and Adam Morrison playing for Kansas. What do you have then? You have the NBA with lower quality players. Why would anyone watch that?

The NCAA is a progam with a goal and a purpose: make mad cash. The players know this going in, and they play either for love of the game, for the free education, or as a stepping stone into the professional leagues. Until people are ready for an all out reform of the NCAA rules to let players get paid, or at least let the players' friends buy the players some gum, the restrictions on transfers are appropriate and consistent.

Well, that's it. Leave your comments in the comments section and let us know who you think is right.

Results for Opening Day and Current Standings

2006-04-07T09:00:00.000-04:00

Things in this week's poll were quite interesting.

Patrick took an early lead, with Adam tying him soon after. Mel tied up with them next, and then shot ahead just before Griffin managed to get some really fresh voters and made a three way tie for second place.

There were a total of 9 votes cast, with a fairly equal spread among the vying contestants. The winning article then was The Five Pirates You Meet in Heaven, Mel's Mitch Albom parody with three votes, and Play Ball; Game On, Playaz (Stuart Scott); and The Schwam Says (Chris Berman) were tied for second with two votes each. Apparently making fun of ESPN was not as popular this week as it has been.

Apparently, it COUNTED! enough to make a first place winner, but next week it might need to still STILL count to get rid of the traffic jam at second place.

Since TB was sock-tied to a hooker in Vegas and didn't submit an article for this week, he gets zero points. For her first place win, Mel, the only writer who can tell you at least three facts about the men in Jane Austen's novels, gets 5 points. And, for their cluster-win at second place, Griffin, Patrick, and Adam each get 1.3(repeating) points. These are the first points for Patrick, though they aren't enough to pull him out of the cellar.

With this week's results then, Mel and Adam are tied for most MVA's won, with two each, and Adam retains his iron grip on first place in the points race with 10.3. The current standings are as follows:

Current Standings:

Name ..... Points ... Total MVAs
1. Adam .... 10.3 .... 2 MVAs
2. Mel ..... 9 ....... 2 MVAs
2. TB ...... 4 ....... 0 MVA
4. Griffin . 2.3 ..... 0 MVA
5. Patrick . 1.3 ..... 0 MVA

Thanks again to all who read, and especially all who voted. Be sure to check back tomorrow for our Saturday article and then again Sunday for the new topic, and perhaps even another special announcement (which this time should be more... truthy).

This Time It Still Counts

2006-04-06T12:17:00.000-04:00

Its that time again. The MVA voting is upon us and since it worked so well last week I'd like to remind you once more that This Time It Counts! There are only four articles to choose from this week but there's still an awful lot of value floating aroung among them. Remember, your job is to choose the Most Valuable Article. Newer readers can check here for a pretty concise description of voting or you could read our introduction for a fuller explanation of what we do here. For now, get to the voting, The polls normally stay open until midnight, although there is some chance they'll stay open a little later tonight.

Vote Now! This Time It Counts!

***EDIT***

The polls are closed. Check back tomorrow for the results!